


Eros and Agape

by ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl, Spunky0ne



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alpha Katsuki Yuuri, Eros and Agape, Light Bondage, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Omega Victor Nikiforov, Switching Roles, VictUuri, dub-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:42:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 83,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22864234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl/pseuds/ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spunky0ne/pseuds/Spunky0ne
Summary: For as long as Victor can remember, Yakov and Lilia have protected him from being discovered to be an Omega by helping him to project as an Alpha. But at the Grand Prix Final banquet, he comes face to face with the man destined to be his husband.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 350
Kudos: 510





	1. Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing anything omegaverse, and in true Spunky form, I refuse to adhere to exact rules for the genre. I make my own damned rules and I have a great time doing it. So, in this omega-world, there are fated couples, alphas and omegas who do not present exactly like other alphas and omegas. Something special happens when two fated souls meet. And this is what happens when omega-Victor meets alpha-Yuuri. It is truly the essence of the Eros-Agape theme. Enjoy! Warnings for Non-con/Dub-con in Chapter 1 and for miscarriage later on.

“Are you coming, Victor?” Chris Giacometti called from the open door of the Russian skater’s hotel room, “We don’t want to miss all of the fun, or the booze, or the dancing.”

“Just a minute,” Victor called out from within the suite’s opulent bathroom.

He scowled down at the pills in the bottle in front of him, counting and recounting, then frowning as he tried to recall.

_I took them out, but did I take one? I think I did, but I don’t remember. I can’t take two because it might make me feel sick, though everyone would just assume I…_

“Victor, come on!” Chris called impatiently.

He made a sound of surprise and dismay as the bottle slipped from his hand and the handful of pills inside were scattered all over the counter.

“Damn it!” Victor wore, scrabbling to capture them before any could escape onto the floor. He scooped the pills into his hand and put them carefully back into the bottle, then he scoured the counter and floor with his eyes to see if any had been left behind.

He took a last look in the mirror, carefully making sure that not a hair was out of place and that he looked far more collected than he actually felt. Then he strode out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

“Well, it’s about time,” Chris teased him, “But as good as you look and smell tonight? I’ll give you a pass.”

_The way I smell? Hmm, maybe I should…_

“I think I forgot something,” he began.

“Oh no you don’t,” Chris laughed, grabbing him by the wrist, “You’ve kept me and everyone else waiting long enough. It’s time for you to get your pretty behind down to the party. Come on!”

With an amused chuckle, Victor let himself be dragged along with his enthusiastic friend. They boarded an elevator and rode it down to the second floor Mezzanine, where they found the banquet already in full swing.

“Masumi!” Chris called out to his waiting boyfriend.

“There you are, Chris,” Masumi answered, greeting him with a kiss.

“So sweet!” Chris laughed, “Give Victor some sugar too, love.”

Victor smiled and reciprocated as Masumi embraced him from the side and gave him a peck on the cheek.

“You look wonderful,” Masumi complimented him, “You _smell_ wonderful too! And you were amazing on the ice today. Your free program took everyone’s breath away.”

“Thank you,” Victor replied, looking around as Yurio moved to join him.

_That again? My smell? Damn it, I must not have taken that pill after all. I should…_

“Hey Victor,” Yurio greeted him.

“Yurio.”

“Ooh, let me get a picture of the Junior and Senior Grand Prix Final champions!” Chris said, snapping a photo.

“Where is Yakov?” Victor asked Yurio.

“Where do you think,” his comrade said gruffly, “He’s off getting wasted with the other coaches.”

“Hmm.”

Victor heard Celestino’s voice and turned his head to greet the man, but paused as he spotted the young man at his side.

“Come now, Yuuri,” the coach cajoled his dejected looking student, “It’s going to be fun. Look, there’s pizza and champagne. Go on and have fun.”

Celestino nudged the younger man closer to the food table and headed off to join the other coaches. Out of the corner of his eye, Victor watched as the shy looking Japanese man looked around with a lost expression, then shook his head and grabbed a glass of champagne. He escaped into a quiet corner near the champagne and stood watching the others, but not mingling.

 _He’s so shy_ , Victor mused, _I’ve heard he’s a beta, but I’ve wondered if maybe he’s really an omega like me. He is very skilled when he isn’t nervous, but he suffers from anxiety sometimes. He’s cute. Maybe I should try saying hi to him again. He almost jumped out of his skin earlier when I saw him looking at me in the lobby and offered to snap a photo with him. Of course, since everyone thinks I’m an alpha, it would make sense that he would be intimidated by me._

_Yes, I know what it’s like to worry about things like that…not that anyone but Yakov knows._

He was distracted away from looking at the Japanese man and found himself drawn into conversation, but his eye kept slipping away to glance at Yuuri as he continued to take drinks from the food table and watched everyone quietly from the corner.

_He must have a high tolerance for alcohol._

But as high as the young man’s tolerance seemed to be, eventually, it seemed to reach its limits and Yuuri stumbled out of the corner, his drunken eyes landing on Victor and sending a twinge of mingled curiosity and tension through the Russian. Yurio saw him coming and scowled as Yuuri wobbled and almost bumped into him.

“Hey, watch where you’re going, loser!”

“Scuse me,” Yuuri drawled, “I’m gonna talk to Victor.”

“I don’t think so. Get the hell outta here.”

“Oh, be nice, Yuri…”

Victor stiffened as Yuuri sniffed the air, then his drunken eyes lifted and glinted as they found him. The Russian felt a sheen of sweat break out on his skin.

_What is this?_

_What’s happening?_

_It almost feels like my heat is coming on, but it’s not supposed to for a few days. I was just taking the pills to be safe._

Yurio seemed to notice his discomfort and he grabbed Yuuri by the open front of his shirt.

“Get the hell away from Victor,” he snapped, “A loser like you’s got no business even looking at him!”

“Oh, you wanna go?” Yuuri rambled, stumbling over his words, “Well, let’s just see who’s a loser. Tell ya what. We’ll have a dance off and if I win, you get the hell outta the way an’ let me talk to Victor!”

“What? You’re out of your mind. There’s no way I’m…”

“That sounds like a great idea!” Victor giggled, waving them towards an open space.

“It is not! I’m not doing this!” Yurio complained, “It’s so lame.”

“Then, you shouldn’t have any problem beating him,” Victor laughed, taking his camera out, “Get dancing, you two!”

Chris joined Victor, watching and the other guests began to take notice and turn as the music volume rose and the two young men began to dance. Almost at once, Victor’s eyes were drawn to the cute Japanese man and the way he moved so fluidly when he danced, despite being terribly drunk on champagne.

“Wow!” he breathed, his heart pounding, “He’s amazing!”

Even so, Victor was surprised at how easily Yuuri triumphed over his Russian teammate. With Yurio still shouting insults and challenging him to another round, Yuuri started towards Victor again, wearing that hungry, desirous expression that sent little shivers through the Russian champion.

“Ah-ah,” Chris laughed, intercepting the Japanese skater, “You’ll have to deal with me before can you talk to the champion.”

“Bring it on,” Yuuri snapped, his eyes raking Victor’s slender body and making the Russian feel as though he stood naked in front of everyone, “I can beat anyone. I’ll beat you all, then I’m talkin’ to Victor!”

_He’s adorable!_

_I would stop all of this and talk to him right now, but it sort of seems like he wants to challenge all of these people. Maybe it’s to reassure himself that he’s worthy. It’s all very silly. He’s beautiful and charming, and I would definitely talk to him anyway, but this…_

He shook his head and snapped pictures, then began to record as a stripper pole was set up and Chris and Yuuri began sliding their sexy, sweaty bodies around it.

_Oh my god…_

Victor felt heat on his face and warning dampness in his nether region. Little shivers ran rampant over his pale flesh.

_My heat?_

_But it’s too soon!_

His eyes locked on Yuuri as the Japanese man’s body wound around the stripper pole and slid down into a full side split. His dark, aggressive eyes found Victor’s, freezing him in place as Yuuri handily defeated the laughing and panting Swiss skater, then headed for the Russian champ.

_He’s…?_

_Is he…?_

He tried to move, but found himself unable as Yuuri stalked him slowly, then wrapped his arm around Victor.

“Your turn, Victor,” Yuuri drawled, “C’mon.”

Words became unnecessary as Victor moved easily with the Japanese man to the dance floor and the two began what was, Victor felt, more like a mating ritual than a dance. Defying the gentler persona he had exuded throughout the Grand Prix Final, or even as long as Victor had known him, Yuuri’s presence felt more demanding.

_So overwhelming._

_Oh my god, he is an alpha…and…it feels like it’s him that’s forcing my body into an early heat. I’ve heard of that before…of alphas and omegas who are fated for each other. They don’t present normally for who they are, like Yuuri always seemed to me more like another omega or a beta, but something awakened the alpha, and that in turn has forced me into heat._

Victor wanted to turn and flee the situation, but his body was locked securely in Yuuri’s arms, and even when he swung free for a moment, the pounding music kept him in its thrall. Dizziness swept over the dazed Russian and he worried that the closet alpha might just strip him and fuck him in front of everyone. Worse, he was sure that in his current state, he would go right along with it. Panic flooded his body and he tried again to pull away, but he only found himself being dipped, smiling widely into Yuuri’s hypnotic eyes that completely enslaved his. Applause and cheers broke out all around them as Yuuri lifted him and wrapped unyielding arms around him. Victor smiled down at him and started to say something, but the words stopped and he stared in flustered surprise as the Japanese man seemed to revert to the gentler person he knew…except for the fact that he was rather viciously humping him as his words jumbled drunkenly together.

“Vvvvictorrr! When the season’s over, you’ve gotta come to Hasetsu. My family owns a hot spring! It’ll be great. You’ll do it, won’t you? Come to Hasetsu! Be my coach, Victooooorrrr!”

Victor watched in dismay as Yuuri started to collapse, and he caught up the slighter man and lifted him off his feet.

“I think you’ve had enough to drink, my friend. Let’s get you upstairs.”

He excused himself and left the others laughing and shaking their heads as he carried Yuuri to the elevator.

“What floor are you on, Yuuri?”

Then, he recalled having seen the young man get off a floor before his. He touched the button and the elevator began to rise. Victor held Yuuri on his feet, carefully searching his pockets until he found the young man’s hotel key, and to his delight, the man’s room number scrawled on a little piece of paper.

_I have to do that too when I’m going to be drinking a lot._

The elevator stopped and the doors opened into a quiet hallway, Victor held an arm around Yuuri, who stumbled along with him, mumbling absently to himself as they made their way down the hallway to correct door. Victor touched the card key to the pad and grinned as a green light lit up and he opened the door.

“Here we are, safe and sound,” he sighed, helping Yuuri inside, then pushing the door closed with his foot, “We need to get you into bed. You’ve had quite a lot of excitement tonight. And may I just tell you, you were amazing! I’ve never seen such sexy dancing, Yuuri. I’m so flattered that you did all of that so you could come and talk to me.”

He sighed again as he laid Yuuri down on the bed, then carefully turned him onto his side and propped his body securely.

“It is a little sad that you won, but now you’re in no shape to talk to me. Life is cruel, isn’t it?”

Victor reached down to brush a stray cluster of black hairs away from Yuuri’s comely sleeping face.

“You look like sleeping beauty,” he breathed, his heart skipping and thumping in his chest, “Well, if that makes me Prince Charming, then this is where I have to do the honorable thing and leave you before I am too tempted to ravish you. But don’t think for a minute that this is easy. You are captivating, Yuuri.”

He bent down and laid a tender kiss on the sleeping man’s temple, then he started to straighten.

One moment, he stood beside the bed, looking down at Yuuri’s curled body, then the next, a strong hand shot out and wrapped around his wrist.

“Wh…?” he yelped as he was pulled down onto the bed and flipped onto his back, “Y-yuuri?”

His eyes rounded as he found himself looking up into aggressively glinting, feral brown ones.

“Yuuri, stop it, okay?” he said shakily, wriggling to try to free himself, but Yuuri moved with him, straddling his slender body and holding him in place as his head dipped and his mouth fastened on Victor’s.

“Y-yu…mmph, s-stop…!” Victor gasped, “Stop it, Yuuri!”

But Yuuri’s grip only tightened on him until it grew painful and Yuuri’s glaring eyes held him as securely as his hands.

“What are you doing?” Victor managed in a shaking voice, “Get off of me, Yuuri.”

The Japanese man’s head bowed and nuzzled into the place between Victor’s graceful neck and slim shoulder. He breathed in deeply, then his voice sounded in an almost otherworldly growl.

“That’s not what you want, is it, Victor?”

Yuuri’s hot, marauding tongue ran luridly along his neck, then Victor closed his eyes and shivered at the feel of the other man’s teeth scraping along the fine skin.”

“Don’t, Yuuri,” Victor pleaded softly, “I understand you are an alpha. I didn’t know before, but it’s clear now. I’ve gone into an early heat. I’ll let you fuck me, but you will have to use a condom, okay? I don’t want to get…”

His words ended in a distressed whimper as Yuuri breathed in deeply again, then clamped his mouth down on the Russian beauty’s and he ground against Victor’s trapped body wantonly. Barely cognizant and enthralled by the exotically lovely man on top of him, Victor barely registered his wrists being bound with the other man’s tie. He groaned and closed his eyes as Yuuri’s mouth plundered his, bringing on the full fury of the heat and leaving Victor incapacitated.

_It is the cruelest part of being an omega. In the presence of the alpha during our heat, we are helpless. I couldn’t fight him now if I tried, because I do not control my body anymore. It responds to the alpha, and won’t be freed until he’s had his fill of me._

_There’s no stopping it now._

_I’m just glad I was able to tell him to use a condom. Maybe I should tell him I’m a virgin too. Not that it will reach him, since the alpha’s senses are dulled to anything but the need to mate. In a way, Yuuri is as much of a prisoner to this as I am._

Indeed, when he stole a glance at Yuuri’s eyes, they looked dazed and almost senseless. The hands that groped Victor’s body and tore at his clothes felt oddly desperate. He shifted his body to help, then watched raptly as Yuuri’s mouth moved down from his neck to nibble and bite along his collar bone. It was frightening since he had never had a male lover.

_Yakov warned me that I must not sleep with another man, because if I did, he wouldn’t miss that I’m an omega. That’s something we’ve kept hidden all of these years, because omegas rarely perform at the top levels of their profession. It was Yakov’s idea to make everyone believe I was an alpha, and to avoid situations like this one. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do. I have to let Yuuri fuck me until he is exhausted and I can escape._

But as much as Yuuri definitely wanted to take him, he wanted also to devour the beautiful expanses of pale flesh he had long desired. His mouth ravaged every inch of Victor’s exposed chest and soft belly, then his tongue plunged into Victor’s navel and he sucked hard, leaving a red marking all around it. He followed the pale, silvery hairs down to Victor’s inflamed penis, then he paused and met Victor’s dazed eyes before licking him from balls to tip and making him groan in anticipation. Hard fingers slid down and played in the mess between his buttocks, then pushed their way inside him.

_At least he still has enough of his senses so that he’s preparing me. Some alphas don’t bother._

But Yuuri’s fingers pushed in deep, thrusting and scissoring, stretching him carefully, then plunging in deep again and making his back arch as he gasped at the intensity of the pleasure it caused.

“Y-yuu-ri!” Victor panted, “What are you…?”

The Japanese man’s wild brown eyes glared into his.

“Dance for me, Victor!”

There was something about the heat and the intensity of those wide, commanding eyes that left no room for argument. Yuuri’s finger stroked his prostate and Victor’s hips rose off the bed and he howled out Yuuri’s name again, coming violently as the Japanese man watched and licked his lips. Yuuri’s head turned sideways and laid down on Victor’s heaving breast as he removed his fingers and positioned himself for entry.

“Y-yuuri, I’m a…v-virgin, okay?” Victor managed, “D-don’t hurt…”

Fully caught up in the urgency of mating, Yuuri didn’t answer, but he did push his surprisingly large penis in carefully, in slow, short thrusts that left Victor reeling. He paused when he was fully entrenched and looked down at Victor as though assessing. Then, he drove his cock in hard, beginning a fevered barrage of heavy thrusts that brought Victor quickly to the brink of a second orgasm.

“Yuuri!” he sobbed, raising his hips to meet every pounding collision, “Yuuri!”

The night faded in Victor’s mind, into a haze of repeated joinings. He forgot all about caution. About wearing condoms and reminding his enthusiastic partner to be careful not to hurt him. He was sure he was going to be bruised, but as caught up in their mating as he was and so enthralled by Yuuri’s beautiful, erotic body, he left everything behind and threw himself, body, mind and heart into their lovemaking.

 _I can’t afford to ever let this happen again,_ Victor speculated, _at least, not until I’m ready to retire. I would have every alpha within a hundred miles all wanting my ass. Forget my accomplishments. There’ll be a big scandal and everyone will forget all about what I’ve done. All they’ll care about is that Victor Nikiforov is a weak omega who tried to seem like more._

_Omegas are nothing._

_Omegas are trash._

_Omegas are things to be used._

_That’s what they say. I rose above that definition for a long time…long enough to become a living legend in figure skating. But all of that will probably end now. Strangely, while Yuuri Katsuki is here and we are joined like this…I don’t feel lonely._

Victor let himself fall completely into the melting rapture of their coitus, even while Yuuri pushed him well beyond exhaustion, to the point where Victor had no strength left and just laid still, letting Yuuri fuck him into near unconsciousness.

Victor wasn’t sure when it was that Yuuri finally reached the ends of his strength and collapsed on top of him. He woke in the early morning to find that his hands had been freed from the tie and he was lying, stretched out on his belly, with Yuuri spread out on his back and his cock still somewhat aroused and buried in Victor’s ass. Victor felt a strange stinging sensation on the back of his neck and reached up to rub the area. He removed his fingers, taking a moment to glance at them. Ice seemed to fill his lungs and chest as he saw the little bit of red fluid and he caught the coppery scent of blood.

_He…bit me?_

Victor wriggled free of Yuuri’s limp body and fled to the bathroom, where he looked more closely.

“Oh no!” he whispered, glancing over his shoulder at the sleeping Japanese skater.

Sheet white and staggering from emotion and exhaustion, Victor tore out of the bathroom and hastily dressed, then he fled the room, taking the elevator up to next floor where he staggered to Yakov’s door and knocked urgently.

“What the hell…” the old man complained as he dragged himself to the door and looked out the peephole, “Vitya?”

He opened the door and caught the shaken skater in his arms.

“It’s okay Vitya,” he said soothingly, sensing that anger was only going to make things worse, “Just tell me what happened.”

Victor turned his head aside, revealing the angry red bite mark on the back of his neck, and the older man stiffened.

“Yakov!” Victor sobbed, “My life is over. I might as well die right now!”


	2. In the Light of Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor deals with the fallout of his disastrous night, while Yuuri returns to Detroit, drowning in humiliation.

Yuuri groaned as he woke to the throbs of a pounding headache. He crawled out of the hotel bed and stumbled to the bathroom, where he paused, teetering and holding onto the edge of the counter, before dropping to his knees and unceremoniously emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

_That just about sums everything up, doesn’t it? My first and maybe only chance to meet Victor and show him how much his skating has influenced me, and all I showed him was that I know how to fall repeatedly. That I am self-sabotaging. That I’m as much of a loser as Yuri Plisetsky said I was._

He groaned and held his stomach as another bout of nausea gripped him.

“Ugh!”

He ended up having to throw up two mor times before the nausea let up and he felt good enough to get to his feet. He staggered to the shower and turned the water on, then collapsed on the shower floor, letting it rain down on him.

_God, I feel horrible. I just want this feeling to go away! How do I even go back and face everyone after this humiliation? What do I say? Everyone knows what happened. I let my anxiety get the best of me and I threw away any chance I had of showing Victor how much I love his skating and respect him as an artist._

_Well, at least I can put off going back to Japan for a little longer since I have to finish my last term at the college._

He laid on the floor of the shower with the water droplets pelting his back, buttocks and thighs. His head turned sideways, he tried to remember the banquet the night before, but all he could remember was drinking and drinking until he was too numb to recall anything else.

_I don’t even know how I got upstairs. I guess Celestino helped me._

But strangely, when he tried to remember, the voice that came back to him was softer and had a Russian accent.

_Victor’s voice._

_His voice is so smooth and as beautiful as he is. I know I was too shy to even talk to him, but I must be remembering hearing his voice at the banquet. The coward that I am, I’m sure I stood near where he was, but couldn’t bring myself to even talk to him. I wonder if I’ll ever get to talk to him now._

He suffered a momentary flash image of Victor’s lovely slender wrists, tied to the head of the hotel bed and his pretty torso bathed in sweat and very, very naked.

_What?_

He shook his head and instantly regretted it.

“Ow…”

He felt his stomach pitch and scrambled out of the shower to throw up in the toilet again, then he returned to the shower and held himself on his feet just long enough to wash up. He turned off the water and dried himself slowly.

_What now?_

_I guess I just should focus on finishing college and try not to think about the rest of it. I’ll just make myself miserable if I keep remembering, so I’ll just let it all go. What’s to remember anyway?_

He walked naked out into the bedroom and started to dress. But as he did, he kept catching little bits of a familiar scent.

_Victor’s scent._

_It’s as beautiful as he is. So perfect. I can’t believe I was so close to him. I wonder if I ever will be again._

He sat down on the bed and sighed.

_I have to stop thinking about this. It’s over. I came here and I choked and came in last. I embarrassed myself in front of my idol and ensured that I can never show my face in front of him again. The worst if over, so things can only get better now, right?_

He tried, but couldn’t quite convince himself that was true. A knock on the door rescued him from having to continue.

“Yuuri, are you ready to go? We have an early flight, remember?” Celestino’s voice called through the door.

“Yeah, just a minute!”

Luckily, he hadn’t had much to pack, so he’d done what little he needed to the night before. He threw the last couple of things into his suitcase and went to the door, dragging the suitcase along. He opened the door and found Celestino still waiting.

“Sorry,” he apologized, “I overslept a little.”

“It’s okay. I’m sure you were tired after the competition and the banquet. Did you have fun at the party?”

“Oh…yeah, sure.”

“Well, we’d better get going. We need to check in soon.”

“Right.”

Yuuri sighed and closed the door to his room, then he followed Celestino, only half-listening to his coach, who was used to having to hold up their conversations mostly on his own.

“The weather is good to today, yes?” he said conversationally, “There won’t be too much turbulence probably. I know you got bounced around a bit on the way here. It should be better going back to Detroit.”

“Right, that’s good.”

“Are you sure you have everything? Check one more time. Where is your passport? Ah, that’s good.”

Yuuri let Celestino ramble on as they climbed into a car and rode to the airport, where his coach checked them in, then they proceeded to the waiting area.

_I can’t get out of here fast enough. I just want to pretend none of this ever happened. Except for getting to see Victor in person, even if I didn’t get to talk to him, this whole thing has been a disaster._

He consoled himself by putting on his headphones and listening to music as he waited to board the plane, and when it finally took off, he settled back in his seat and closed his eyes.

_I’m glad it’s over._

Back in the hotel room, a maid entered the room he has stayed in, to clean it. She walked to the bed and pulled back the bedding shaking her head as she spotted a small amount of blood on the sheets and pulled them off to be washed.

“I wonder what happened in here…”

XXXXXXXXXX

Victor laid silently on the second bed in Yakov’s hotel room with a thick white towel covering him from chest to thigh. Yakov sat watching sullenly while the Russian figure skating team’s doctor examined the champion skater.

“Before you start,” the old coach said in a low, gruff voice, “I want to remind you of the special terms we agreed upon for when you care for Vitya.”

“I understand,” the medic answered softly, keeping his eyes lowered and not meeting Victor’s, “I will examine Victor and care for any injuries he has suffered, but I will not divulge any information about him to anyone outside this room.”

“Yes. Go ahead, but be gentle. He was very upset when he arrived here. I’ve only just gotten him to calm down and agree to the examination.”

“Of course.”

The medic met Victor’s tortured eyes for a moment.

I will need to remove the towel for a moment.”

Victor gave him a silent nod and did his best to hold still as the material was lifted away and his naked body was exposed.

_I’ve been trained so that it usually doesn’t bother me to have people see me naked. Yakov practiced with me, telling me to think that what they see is just a flesh shell. They are not getting anywhere inside. They are only looking at the exterior we keep in pristine condition for them to see. I eat carefully and the hard work of being a competitive skater sculpts my body into the work of art that people want to see naked. That is my outer layer, and it’s all right for everyone to see. We keep it clean and unblemished…except for now._

He felt heat on his cheeks as the medic’s eyes scanned his pale flesh, and his gloved hand touched his arm to turn it for closer viewing, then sought the other. The man’s covered fingers slid down his chest and over his soft belly, sending an unbidden shiver through him. He stiffened when the man’s hand touched his thigh, then hesitantly parted his legs, looking out the window at the pale morning sky.

“Can you explain to me what happened, Victor?” the medic asked as he spread the skater’s thighs and moved in closer.

Victor shivered harder and his teeth clenched for a moment. The medic’s gaze softened.

“I’m sorry. I know this is very unpleasant for you. I just want to be sure of what I’m seeing here. You told Yakov your heat came early?”

“Yes,” Victor answered shakily, “It was supposed to start in a few days. I…I thought I took a pill anyway. I do that when I’m going to be in public places near the time of my heat.”

“I see. But you may have forgotten this time?”

“I may have,” Victor admitted, “I got distracted.”

“Okay, and what happened when you went into the banquet hall?”

Victor took a steadying breath.

“I was with f-friends and there was talking going on. I saw Yuuri Katsuki come in with his coach.”

“Yuuri Katsuki is the one who did this to you?” Yakov growled, his eyes narrowing.

“It’s not his fault, Yakov,” Victor insisted, “When we were dancing, I realized that he must be an alpha, although I hadn’t suspected. And while we were dancing, I went into heat. At the end of our dancing, Yuuri collapsed from drinking too much, so I carried him up to his room and laid him on his side and propped him, so he would be okay even if he threw up in his sleep. I was turning to leave when he woke, and it was clear that he was responding to my heat. He held me down and…I couldn’t move.”

“I understand,” the medic said, nodding, “The heat makes your body respond to the will of the alpha.”

“And the alpha responds only on a primal level,” Victor added, meeting Yakov’s eyes meaningfully, “I knew that Yuuri would not be able to stop himself, so I agreed to let him have sex with me and asked him to use a condom and not to hurt me.”

“Did he answer you?”

“No, but he was not violent, and he did…he…”

“He prepared you before?” the medic supplied.

“Yes.”

“Mmhmm, thank you, Victor. I can cover you a little now.”

He laid the towel over Victor’s chest, but left the Russian skater’s nether region exposed.

“I am going to touch you with my gloved fingers,” the medic warned him, “You may feel a little pressure.”

“Okay.”

“There is a little blood, but it is very minor. I see no signs of violence, although there is some bruising on your thighs.”

“Yes,” Victor answered in a softer, humiliated tone, “We were not able to be careful.”

“I know,” the medic assured him, “I wanted to reassure Coach Yakov that you were penetrated, but the person was not violent.”

“No, he was as gentle as one can be when controlled by the alpha response to an omega’s heat.”

“He did not use a condom.”

Victor froze and Yakov let out a deep snarl.

“What?”

“I asked him to,” Victor insisted, “but there was…”

“There was nothing you could do to make sure,” the medic finished.

“Yes.”

“Can you tell if there is…a child?” Yakov asked.

“Hmm, no. That will take several weeks, maybe a month or so to know for sure,” the medic informed them, “There are hormonal and other changes that have to take place, and I’ll remind you that there is a raised risk of miscarriage for male omegas as opposed to pregnant women. There is also an increased risk of death.”

“Can you give him something?” Yakov asked.

The medic glanced at him quietly for a moment.

“Of course. If that is what Victor wants.”

Victor swallowed hard as his coach’s eyes met his.

“You know what a pregnancy now would do to your career, Vitya,” Yakov said regretfully, “If it was discovered, and it most probably would be, then everyone would learn you are an omega. And although you never publicly claimed to be alpha, we represented you that way. It’s going to be clear that there was deception to protect you. Some people might understand, but not everyone will.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Victor whispered dejectedly, “I know. I know you want what’s best for me. Just…can we do this later?”

The medic gave him a sad smile and handed him a sealed packet containing a single pill.

“That medication can be used within the first week following conception. If you have conceived and you take it within the seven days, any pregnancy will be aborted.”

“I’m not saying I won’t take it,” Victor assured his frowning coach, “I just…hurt too much all over right now.”

“It’s fine to wait a few days until you are feeling better,” the medic said reassuringly, “In fact, it’s recommended if you are not feeling well or if you have pain or injuries, it’s advisable to wait.”

“Just don’t forget to take it,” Yakov snapped softly.

“I won’t,” Victor promised, “I…I’m not ready for that. I just…I can’t.”

“If you want, I can set up and appointment in Saint Petersburg, and you can see someone to talk with you about anything that’s bothering you. The support would be a good thing for you right now.”

“I think you should do as he says,” Yakov advised his reluctant student.

“Okay, give me the contact number,” Victor agreed, “but I just…right now, I need everything to stop for a minute. I need to…to sleep for awhile. I need to think about everything.”

“Of course. That is a very natural response. Give yourself some time to process before acting,” the medic agreed.

“Thank you,” Yakov said in a calmer voice, “Vitya and I appreciate your help…and your discretion.”

The medic nodded and took his leave of the two. When he was gone, Victor slid off the bed and accepted a thick, comfortable robe from Yakov, which he wrapped around his slender body.

“Go on and shower now,” the older man directed him.

Victor complied silently, leaving Yakov alone out in the room, looking out over the other buildings in the area. He heard the shower begin to run in the bathroom and sighed.

_I am so sorry, Vitya. I’ve never wanted anything else to trouble you. When I found you, I knew that you were special, but if you were left to fight your way alone, you would not thrive in a world that would try to hold you down. I knew that you could shine, if only given the chance, and you have exceeded my expectations. You are…a beautiful soul._

_I wonder what will happen to you now._

He frowned and walked out of the room, then headed down one floor to the room where Celestino had been staying. He knocked on the door, but there was not answer. He knocked again, but again no one answered. Shaking his head resignedly, he returned to his room, where he found Victor already curled up in the bed, looking out the window.

“He wasn’t there?” Victor asked.

“No. They must have left on an early flight,” Yakov speculated, “Let us hope this means that Yuuri Katsuki is going to leave you alone now.”

Victor sniffed softly and sighed.

“I don’t know what to hope for anymore.”


	3. Family Bonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yakov takes Victor to Lilia for a period of recovery.

Victor frowned disapprovingly as he looked out the window of the car as Yakov drove. and he noted the direction they were taking.

“This isn’t the way to my house, Yakov,” he complained, “I told you, I am…”

“Be quiet, Vitya,” the old man admonished him, strangely in a way that should have sounded like scolding, but only managed to sound worried and sad, “You heard the team doctor. Your head is in as much turmoil as your body right now, and you said yourself that you are not thinking straight enough to make proper decisions.”

“I am fine!” Victor snapped, “I haven’t said anything wrong. I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to.”

“That’s part of the problem,” Yakov pointed out, “You _never_ just do what I tell you. And what that tells me is that you know you need help right now. I’m just making sure that you are taken care of. If you will remember, that was the promise I made to you, all of those years ago. I promised that, as your coach, I would stay with you and never leave you. I said I would always be there for you, and I am.”

Victor’s lips stiffened and he glared at the old man petulantly, but rather than say anything back, he just let out an agitated breath and deflated.

“I think you’re being ridiculous, taking me to be cared for like a child, when all I need is some goddamned time to think. Did you even call Lilia ahead of time, or are you just dropping me on her doorstep? What about Maccachin? He’s being cared for by my neighbor.”

“I called and had someone pick him up. He’ll be at Lilia’s. And yes, she knows you were bitten by an alpha. I didn’t tell her who it was. I don’t think you want him murdered before any of us get to talk to him.”

“Right,” Victor huffed, regaining a bit of equilibrium at the half-joking reference to the former dancer’s protectiveness, “But really, Yakov, why can’t you just let me go home? I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to see anyone. I just want five fucking minutes to myself to sort through everything.”

“That is the last thing you need.”

“I _know_ what I need!”

“No, not right now, you don’t!” Yakov insisted, “You are a mess and you need your family.”

Victor wasn’t sure what made his temper give way at that moment, but the words left him before he could stop them.

“I don’t HAVE a family! They threw me away! Don’t you remember?” he shouted, “Just like Yuuri Katsuki just did, and just like everyone else will as soon as they know what I am!”

His gut clenched at the look of sympathy Yakov gave him in reply.

“I don’t know why I ever tried to hide it. It was just going to come out and ruin my life anyway!” he cried, bursting into tears, “And it doesn’t matter where you take me. The humiliation will follow me everywhere. For the rest of my life, I won’t be able to escape it anymore. Yakov, I’m grateful for all you did for me, but you know as well as anyone that once this comes out, I am finished as a skater. No one will ever take me seriously again, and everything I did to this point will be discarded as though I never accomplished anything. That’s how it is. That’s how the omegas are dealt with. Maybe I should never have tried to go against that.”

“Vitya, you know that you are not like other omegas,” Yakov reminded him sternly, “There is something very different about you. With the exception of your heat cycle, you do not have the usual characteristics of an omega that stand out and tell people what you are. You are gifted in your art form. You are bold and headstrong. You take chances…sometimes even ones I wish that you would not. You play the role of an alpha with ease for a reason. I think that it’s possible that, rather than simply being an omega, you are more. Vitya, I have been thinking that maybe you are a kind of anomaly.”

“Oh, don’t even start telling me something like that,” Victor objected, “I don’t need anything else to make me feel lonely, and like there is no one like me and no one for me. I am dying inside, Yakov, because I am too goddamned _different_! I don’t want to be different. I don’t want to be special. I just…I don’t want to be _alone_ , but that’s all I _feel_ anymore!”

Yakov sighed and nodded, turning the car onto the long driveway leading to Lilia’s lovely, sprawling mansion.

“That’s why I am bringing you here. Here, you will have Lilia, who spoils the living hell out of you.”

“I don’t need to be spoiled!” Victor argued.

“A little spoiling will be good for you while your hormones are settling.”

“Ugh! Would you please stop talking to me about that? Being a goddamned omega isn’t humiliating enough? You have to remind me every minute of everything that’s wrong with me?”

Victor made a sound of surprise as Yakov abruptly stopped the car, well short of the mansion.

“What are you doing?” he complained, “What did I do wrong now?”

Yakov scowled.

“What did you do wrong?” he asked angrily, “Vitya, do you listen to yourself?”

Victor gave him a stymied look.

“You are an omega. Yes. But you know that being an omega isn’t a bad thing.”

“What do you mean it’s not a bad thing?” the younger man objected, “You think it’s great that I have to worry every time I’m in the presence of another man, and some women too, that someone will smell my heat and feel like throwing me down on the ground right there and fucking me? Do you think it’s terrific being looked down on by everyone when they know, and hiding who you are like it’s some kind of damning condition that nobody wants? Do I hate being an omega? Of course I do! Anyone in his right fucking mind would hate this, and that’s how I know that I’m _sane_!”

He fully expected a scolding from his longtime coach, but Yakov’s angry look just began to shift to sadness again.

“What?” Victor demanded, “You said…”

“I said that being an omega isn’t a bad thing,” he repeated, “and it is not. I know that it is difficult for you. I know you don’t like hiding what you are and pretending to be something different. But Vitya, you know, the reason you do that is so that you can show the world the gifts that you have _because you are an omega_. Do alphas generally have more confidence? They do. And they tend to be physically gifted with strength and beauty. But is something like Yin and Yang. The things that the alpha lacks, the omega possesses. They are like a balance for each other. Betas have it easier because there is balance inside them that eludes both alpha and omega. Alphas tend to perform well in their professions, but it is the omegas who are needed to provide stability. Omegas too, are often, like you, very beautiful and gifted. If they lack confidence, it is usually not because they don’t have any, but because the way is harder for them. The omegas are the truly gifted, and not only do they perform well, they _create_!

“Oh my god,” Victor objected, “please don’t start talking to me about babymaking and creating a great home or I may just…”

“I wasn’t talking about that,” the old man chided him, “although that is the kind of creativity that gets the attention most of the time. Vitya, I have coached alphas, betas and omegas, and do you know what it is that I saw in you when you were a child?”

Victor looked back at him blankly.

“M-my talent,” he answered hesitantly, “right?”

“Sure, you had plenty of talent,” Yakov affirmed, “but that wasn’t what I saw that made me take you away from the bastard who was coaching you and train you myself.”

“You knew he was a child abuser and I didn’t have anyone looking out for me since my parents abandoned me?”

“I did want to protect you,” the old man admitted, “but that wasn’t what I saw in you that I wanted even more to coach.”

Victor gave him a confused look and a little shake of his head.

“Then…?”

“I saw you skating, Vitya, and I could _see_ your mind working as your body moved! I could see your love for skating and the genius you had at speaking non-verbally. It was like the music wasn’t just playing all around you. You weren’t just floating on it. The music was inside you and you were using your body to release it. No one ever had to work hard to choreograph for you, even when you didn’t do it yourself. They only had to watch you and put the pieces of your movements together. You do have a lot of emotion and you convey it beautifully. That is what makes you, not just a talented performer, but the highest form of entertainer, because you _see things and your bring them to life for others._ This is the aspect that is missing from most of the alphas I instruct. They bring raw talent and confidence to the table, but I have to provide resources to make the costumes and music and choreography. You have that all built into you, and it is what has put you where you are.”

Victor looked back at him quietly for a moment before answering.

“But what good is it if we are beaten down, told we are nothing but babymaking freaks and often beaten to death by alphas drunk on our heat?”

Yakov sighed and turned the car back onto the driveway.

“That is why you have me.”

“Right,” Victor replied, letting his head rest against the passenger side window.

The two were quiet as the car reached the end of the driveway and Yakov pulled around the circular end and parked at the base of a grand set of stone stairs leading up to the house. Victor climbed out of the car as the doors to the house opened and a very handsome and smiling young man came to greet him.

“Victor!” he exclaimed, pulling the amused skater into a warm embrace, “It’s wonderful to see you.”

“Good to see you too, Valentin,” Victor chuckled as the other man pulled back slightly to look more closely at him.

“Oh, but someone’s been treating you badly, eh? I can see you’ve been terribly unhappy. Come, come, Lady Lilia wants to talk to you, then I’ll draw you a hot bath and if you’re good, I’ll put some rose water in for you.”

“Thank you,” Victor said more cheerfully, “That would be great.”

“Valentin, are they here?” Lilia called from the doorway as her youthful butler led Yakov and Victor up the stairs.

“Right here, milady,” Valentin answered cheerfully, “and you were right. Our Vitya is in dreadful need of some pampering.”

“We’ll get to that,” the slim former ballerina said, waving him off, “Go and start a soothing bath for him.”

Victor leaned towards Yakov.

“Is there some reason that the first thing she always has me do is strip down and bathe in pretty scented water? Not that I mind, but…”

“Be quiet and do what she says,” Yakov huffed under his breath, “It’s safer.”

“Vitya, I heard you were hurt by an alpha!” Lilia exclaimed, “Tell me who he is. I’ll have him brought here and tortured in front of you for your pleasure.”

“Th-that’s not really necessary,” Victor answered, glancing at Yakov warningly, “You know, he didn’t mean…”

“Don’t give me that ridiculous excuse,” the elder woman gently scolded him as she held him close and captured his face in her hands, “Just because they have brutish strength doesn’t mean they have to be brutes.”

“Though, they usually are,” Victor sighed resignedly.

“Don’t talk like that,” Lilia said, giving him a play scowl, “not here. Come, we will talk.”

“Do we really have to talk. I’m kind of tired.”

“Oh, my poor boy, of course you are. Valentin, take him to bathe immediately!”

“Yes, ma’am,” the butler answered, hiding a little smirk as he bowed, “of course. Come, Vitya.”

Victor headed off with the butler as Yakov and Lilia moved on to a sitting room to talk.

“He looks awful,” Lilia said angrily, “What did you let someone do to him?”

“I didn’t let anything…”

“What are you talking about?” she said in a voice that struck him like a slap in the face, “He was assaulted by someone at the banquet. You were watching him at the banquet.”

“He wasn’t supposed to go into…”

“Does that matter?” she scolded him, “You weren’t watching over him, were you? You were drinking with the other drunk men!”

“I might have had something to drink…”

“I can’t believe you taught our son to drink like a fish, like you do too! Is that why? Was he not paying close enough attention? He was drinking and dancing and forgot to count the days of his cycle?”

“No, Lilia,” Yakov said firmly, “Vitya was still several days from when he should have had his heat. It should not have happened at the banquet.”

He paused for a moment, rubbing his chin and thinking.

“And that makes me wonder if it could be true…”

Lilia gave him a little nod.

“He has never presented like a normal omega,” she agreed, “Did he say anything about the brute who did this? Though he was probably afraid if you told me the boy’s name I’d just have him killed, and that’s not far off the mark.”

“He didn’t say a lot, but it was someone who he did not think was an alpha. It was someone I would never think was an alpha. And Lilia, Vitya said that it seemed like his heat began as though it was _because_ of his meeting this alpha.”

“Hmm…”

“You think like I do then? That this alpha…?”

Lilia scowled.

“What I _think_ is that it’s either that the boy was another anomaly or that you are just looking for excuses for me not to take off your head for letting our son be bullied right under your nose! Of course, with a nose that big…”

“Lilia!”

“What? Your nose is big. I always kind of thought it was cute, until it wasn’t anymore.”

“Ugh…I have to go now. I have skaters waiting at the rink. Will you spoil Vitya a little…oh, and watch him. The alpha didn’t use protection.”

“What?” the old lady snarled, “That little bastard. I’ll have him castrated!”

“I don’t think that’s…”

“Get out of here, will you? Go and coach someone. I have to take care of our son, who you let get hurt. Go away!”

“The boy is not our son, Lilia.”

“Shut up and get out of my house, old man. I’ll call you once Vitya is ready to go home.”

XXXXXXXXXX

“So, you’re looking good,” Victor said, giving the butler a little smile as they walked down the hallway, “I’m surprised Lilia hasn’t fired you yet. You must be a good butler.”

Valentin looked over his shoulder at his firm, round derriere.

“I think she likes my _assets_.”

“Well, you’ve turned twenty-five and you’re still here, so she must like you.”

“It isn’t the number,” Valentin said charmingly, “it’s how you rock it.”

He gave Victor a closer look.

“And you are rocking twenty-seven beautifully, aren’t you? You look great, except for those dark circles under your eyes, love, but I can take care of those in a flash.”

“Oh, I know I’m in talented hands,” Victor laughed softly.

“It’s good to see you smile,” Valentin said, his own smile fading, “Please forgive me for intruding, but I’d like to kill the guy who hurt you.”

“There’s a lot of that going around here,” Victor chuckled, “Thank you, but I don’t think he meant to hurt anyone. He’s really not the type.”

“I don’t know if I believe that the alphas are as driven by the omegas heat that they can’t stop. They all claim that, but seriously? I think it’s just that they are given a pass for other reasons.”

“Maybe.”

Victor brightened as a bark sounded ahead of them and Maccachin bounded out of one of the rooms and ran towards him.

“Maccachin!” Victor called out, dropping to one knee, “Come here! It’s good to see you, boy!”

“He got here a little while ago, so we’ve already bathed and groomed him. I made sure they gave him his favorite blueberry facial too.”

“You smell _wonderful_ ,” Victor laughed, hugging the old dog and kissing him on the snout, while Maccachin whined and licked his face, “Oh, I missed you too.”

“Come now,” Valentin directed the dog, who looked at him and tilted his head cutely, “Vitya needs his bath now too.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a chewy treat that Macca nipped out of his hand.

“Good boy,” Valentin laughed.

“I see you’re spoiling him too,” Victor said approvingly.

“Well, anything for you and Maccachin, right?” Valentin said, smiling, “Lady Lilia just very much wants both of you kept happy and safe.”

“I am happy, at least, now that Macca and I are here.”

“It’s always nice having you here,” the butler said sincerely, “You and Maccachin. Come now, let’s get you spruced up.”


	4. Comforts of Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor finds respite with Lilia while Phichit comforts a troubled Yuuri.

Victor slipped out of his clothes and stepped down into the large therapy pool, while Valentin undressed and placed a small wrap around his slim hips, then moved to join the famous skater. He paused, studying the quiet, pained look Victor wore as he looked out the large windows into the serene garden outside. The butler’s lips thinned into a determined line, then curved into a charming smile again as Victor turned to face him.

“You look absolutely stunning against that backdrop,” he said appreciatively, “Do you mind if I take a picture?”

Victor smiled and shrugged.

“Go ahead, if it makes you happy.”

“Hmm,” Valentin mused, climbing out of the water and picking up his cell phone, “why do you care so much for one little butler’s happiness? You know, you should spend more time thinking about your own happiness.”

He moved around, studying the angles of Victor’s lovely, naked body, then snapped a picture and carried it over for the other young man to see. Victor looked at it for a moment, then sighed.

“You’ll have to photoshop the bruises out,” he sighed, “but it’s a great picture otherwise.”

“Well,” Valentin chuckled, running his fingers through the ends of his unruly black hair and playing in the little bit of red around the forelock, “her ladyship didn’t hire me for my ability as a photographer, but I think it came out very well. Enough playing around, though. Come, let me take care of you. You look like you need it.”

Victor kept his eyes on the pretty scene outside the therapy room, sighing softly.

“And why does her ladyship’s butler care about the happiness of Lilia’s spoiled not-son?” he asked.

Valentin breathed in the steamy air of the room and set the cell phone down. He moved in behind the troubled skater, meeting Victor’s gaze and seeking permission. Victor gave him a little over-the-shoulder nod and the butler embraced him from behind, resting his chin on Victor’s shoulder.

“Maybe for the same reason that I am twenty-five, and even at this ripe old age, Miss Lilia continues to keep me around,” Valentin answered, “Empathy.”

He nudged Victor’s head slightly so that they were looking out into the gardens, where Lilia was walking in the rain under a dark umbrella.

“Tell me something. What do you think it is that makes Lilia beautiful, now that she doesn’t have age working on her side? She is beautiful, isn’t she? Even though she’s not young?”

“Yes,” Victor agreed, “It is a cold kind of beautiful, but I see what you’re saying.”

“Mmhmm,” Valentin purred, following the lines of Victor’s torso with gentle, stroking fingers, “She was beautiful because of her youth for a long time. But she knew it wouldn’t last forever, so Lilia thought hard and she realized that the older people she knew that were beautiful to her, remained that way because they were cared for, valued…beloved. So, she bought a lovely home and had it renovated to make this pretty Eden, and she filled it with people who would treasure her and value her. Emotion is a great part of beauty, Vitya. And you, love, are full of emotion, even if it’s not dripping off of you right now, like it does when you skate.”

“I’m not performing now,” Victor concluded, “I don’t need to pretend.”

“No,” Valentin sighed, closing his eyes and pressing his lips to the back of one pale, perfect shoulder, “this is your natural beauty shining right here. This is where you get to shed any worries and any lies and just be yourself.”

“Are you trying to seduce me, Valentin?” Victor asked, smirking, “You know she really would fire you for that.”

“Do you feel an ounce of seduction in these fingers, Vitya? In these eyes?” Valentin asked quietly, continuing to trace lines down the skater’s naked body, while Victor turned and looked into the butler’s almost hypnotic emerald colored eyes.

“No,” Victor answered, relaxing slightly, “I see only comfort there…the comfort of a friend, a brother, a caretaker. She’s right to keep you here.”

“And I am glad to stay.”

The two walked down the steps into the deeper, bubbling water and sat down with Victor resting in Valentin’s arms. The butler’s fingers worked into the thick muscles and Victor groaned and relaxed more, closing his eyes.

“How do you know what I need?” Victor asked, “How do you know what anyone needs?”

Valentin’s gentle smile warmed and he continued with the comforting massage.

“There are lots of things that tell me about people,” the butler chuckled, “but you told me with your words while we were talking before. I said that Lady Lilia wanted you to feel happy and safe, and while you indicated you were happy, you pointedly left out feeling safe. It was an obvious cry for help.”

Victor sighed again and sank deeper into Valentin’s embrace.

“How does an omega get to feel safe?” he whispered, “Can one ever really feel safe? You’re an alpha, even though you don’t come on like one. I know it, but strangely, it doesn’t scare me like when I sense other alphas.”

“That’s because I’ve been tamed,” Valentin assured him, “Miss Lilia is a very strong alpha, herself. She values strength, but not without beauty. And no brute is beautiful if he can’t control his impulses. So…she trains us to be completely faithful to her desires. She wants you to be happy, so I make you happy. And even if you were in full heat, I would never, ever hurt you, Vitya. You know that, deep down, and that’s why you can feel safe, even in the jaws of this brute.”

“I do feel safe,” Victor affirmed, beginning to doze as Valentin’s ministrations eased him into sleep amidst the light splashing sounds a soothing, lightly scented steam.

He heard the butler’s voice beginning to sing softly and fell deep under his spell, resting silently while Valentin’s hands seemed to touch and caress him everywhere, deepening his relaxation until his lips couldn’t help but curve upward. Valentin watched the little, unbidden smile blossom on his charge’s lovely face, and he traced it with a damp fingertip.

“There now, that’s better, isn’t it? I’m sorry I can’t erase what that beast did to you, but I can give you all of the comfort you deserve.”

“Hmm, Yuuri’s not a beast.”

The sudden response surprised the butler even more than finding that Victor was still aware enough to register his words. The skater’s eyes opened and he sat up and faced Valentin, the water running in little rivulets down his neck and shoulders.

“He just…doesn’t want me, now that he knows what I am,” he added, looking into Valentin’s surprised eyes.

“How do you know?” the butler asked.

Victor gave his head a little shake.

“He sensed my heat and he took what he wanted…and he realized that even though he had idolized me and learned from my example…that he was more than me. He knows now that I am nothing. That’s why he left without speaking to me. I’ll probably never hear from him again, whether or not he chooses to tell everyone what he learned.”

“You mean, you think he cares that much that you’re an omega?”

“I think he is disappointed because he learned everything about me is an act.”

“No, that’s not true,” Valentin insisted, “You are a beautiful and talented skater, designer and choreographer. That’s what he respects, and that’s what he found that was true.”

“Then, why did he leave without speaking to me?”

“Oh, I don’t know that,” Valentin admitted, “but, given what I’m reading from you, I think you’ll figure that out at some point. Just know, while you do, that you always have a safe place here, among the tame beasts, where you can pour out your soul and hold it up to a mirror to see where you are. There’s value in that, right?”

Victor gave him a warmer smile.

“There is,” he agreed, sinking back into the butler’s bracing arms, “Thank you, Valentin.”

“Anytime, Vitya.”

Victor breathed slowly, keeping his eyes closed and his mind working steadily.

_What would I do without this kind of love?_

_This quiet, selfless, unconditional love?_

_Love like…Agape._

XXXXXXXXXX

Phichit Chulanont finished changing back into his street clothes and looked around for his best friend and roommate, but there was no sign of Yuuri Katsuki in the men’s dressing room. He laughed to himself, shaking his head.

“Yuuri…”

Leaving the dressing room, he walked back to the half lit rink, that had been so busy during the day, but which had been emptied, all but for the one lone skater that the night custodian allowed a half hour of extra practice time while he cleaned the coaching offices. Phichit moved to the wall near the entrance to the ice, and he watched with friendly, smiling eyes as Yuuri took up a position at the center of the rink.

_Hmm, that’s not his opening. I’d know it anywhere, though, having watched it so much, myself while I was training on my quad toe loop._

His smile widened as Victor Nikiforov’s free skate music, _Stammi Vicino_ , began to play, and the skater on the ice performed the beginning moves of the champion’s routine almost flawlessly.

_It just goes to show how much potential Yuuri has when he’s not too anxious to show it. I feel bad for him, having so much anxiety like he does. He’s a wonderful skater, and I know he should have placed higher at the Grand Prix Final._

_If he could just…_

His breath left him a little as Yuuri tried a quad flip and landed it with just a little wobble.

_If he could do that in front of Celestino, or knowing that anyone was watching…_

He felt a little sad twinge as Yuuri spotted him and let out a soft yelp, almost falling as he slid to a stop, then he skated over to join his friend. Phichit gave him a warm, encouraging look.

“ _Stammi Vicino_ , huh?” he said affectionately, “You really do love Victor’s program, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri answered, blushing, “It was amazing, getting to be there and watching him from so close. I almost forgot for a moment how badly I embarrassed myself.”

“What are you talking about?” Phichit chuckled, “You got to go to the Grand Prix Final and even if you didn’t do your best, you did try. I know you’re going to get back there again next year, and I’m going to go with you. I’m going to qualify. Celestino said I’m ready to put the quad toe loop into my programs.”

“That’s great,” Yuuri exclaimed, looking genuinely happy for his friend, “and I hope I can be there next year. I just don’t know. I want to keep going, but…I just don’t know.”

“You’re a great skater, Yuuri,” Phichit assured him, “Celestino says it all of the time. He wouldn’t still be coaching you if he didn’t believe in you. You just got anxious. You can work on that.”

“Yeah, maybe…”

“Hey, maybe the free skate didn’t go well, but the banquet must have been fun. Did you talk to Victor?”

“Eh,” Yuuri sighed, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck, “No, I couldn’t get up the nerve to talk to Victor at all. I just drank a lot and ended up making myself sick.”

“That’s too bad,” his friend replied sincerely, “I know that you wanted to tell Victor what an inspiration he’s been.”

“Yeah, I really did,” Yuuri confessed in a soft, sad voice, “but who wants to hear they’ve inspired someone who crashed and burned as badly as I did?”

“It wasn’t that bad for a first trip to the Grand Prix Final,” Phichit said, patting him on the back.

“I scored about a hundred points lower than Victor. Ugh!” Yuuri grunted, flinching, “I don’t know if I can ever show my face back at home again.”

“Sure you can,” Phichit said firmly, “I know you can.”

Yuuri gave his friend a look of somber gratitude.

“Thanks, Phichit.”

“What are friends for?” Phichit laughed, “Come on, now. Why don’t we go and get something to eat? You’re hungry, right?”

“I’m _always_ hungry. That’s part of the problem,” Yuuri complained.

“Come on,” Phichit urged him, tugging his arm until Yuuri finally stepped of the ice, “I’ll buy you dinner at the commons.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to. C’mon. It’ll be fun.”

Yuuri smiled, albeit still a little sadly.

“Okay, but next time I have to treat you, all right?” Yuuri insisted.

“That sounds great. Let’s go!”

“Um, I have to get my skates off and my shoes on first,” Yuuri laughed, stepping off the ice and sitting down on the bench.

Phichit sat down next to him.

“Hey, you know, I heard about what happened with Victor…your dog.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri answered softly, looking down at his shoe as he tied it.

“I’m really sorry, Yuuri.”

“Thanks,” Yuuri answered gratefully, “I wish I could’ve been there, but I was at the final and I still had the free skate.”

He sighed resignedly and shook his head.

“I wish I’d just gone home. My head wasn’t into the skating at all, and I just made a mess of it.”

“You can’t help that,” Phichit said encouragingly, “I would’ve felt really bad too, and I probably wouldn’t have done my best under those circumstances either. But, since you know that part of the problem was that you were upset over your dog, you know also that you can do better next time. I really, really want you to be there next year. I want us to qualify together. If there’s anything I can do…extra practice or talking or _anything at all_ , just let me know, okay?”

 _I’m so lucky to have a friend like Phichit_ , Yuuri sighed inwardly, _I hope I don’t have to disappoint him. But after what happened in Sochi…I just don’t know. It’s hard to think about the future right now, when I’m still hurting over Vic-chan and my loss at the Grand Prix Final. I only really feel any relief when I practice using Victor’s free skate program and music. It’s when I feel closest to Victor, when I feel as though I can hear his voice in my head, telling me to be calm, to be confident and to try to surprise everyone. When that music plays and I move to it, I feel like I’m one with Victor…not just some distant stranger who admires his work, but someone who is inside his world._

_It sounds crazy._

_Maybe it is crazy._

_I don’t know what’s going on in my head anymore._

“Yuuri?” Phichit’s voice called, breaking into his reverie as the two reached the Detroit University Commons, “You went kinda quiet. Are you all right?”

Yuuri inhaled more deeply and shook his head at realizing where they were.

“I’m okay,” he reassured his friend, “I’m just still…thinking everything over.”

“I guess I would be too,” Phichit said, reaching over to squeeze his hand comfortingly, “Try not to worry or to feel too bad about everything. The season’s over, and we can relax for awhile before the next one, right? Or has Celestino been talking to you already about what you want to do? He’s asked me if I have any ideas, and I’m sure now that since I’m putting the quad toe loop into my program, I want to go ahead also with my plan to skate to the music from _The King and the Skater_.”

“Really? That’s great, Phichit,” Yuuri said approvingly, “I know you’re going to make it this year.”

“You will too,” Phichit insisted, “I know this season didn’t go the way you wanted, but you can’t let that stop you from trying again. I know it’s going to work out and you and I will both make the Grand Prix Final this time.”

“You know,” Yuuri said, his smile returning, “when you say it like that, it feels possible.”

“Of course it’s possible,” Phichit laughed, “You and I are going to take on the world and we’re going to win!”

Looking at his happy friend, Yuuri felt warmth invading and couldn’t help but be buoyed by his friend’s enthusiasm.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding, “we will.”

He was quiet through dinner and on the walk back to the dormitory room he shared with his rinkmate, and he hurried through his shower and fell into bed, weary and troubled. Sleep seemed a relief, but even that was shattered by a disturbing dream.

_He found himself back at the Grand Prix Final banquet, watching as Victor danced with his friends, laughing and joking happily. Wanting to be part of the joviality, he moved forward. He rehearsed in his head what he would say and how he would thank his longtime idol for the inspiration._

_“Victor.”_

_The Russian skater’s head turned and his ocean blue eyes met Yuuri’s and widened._

_“Victor, I want to tell you…”_

_His breath caught and the words died in his throat as Victor’s face crumpled in terror and he backed away, putting up his hands defensively._

_“Victor?”_

_“No, Yuuri!” the Russian cried, “Yuuri, STOP!”_

Yuuri sat up in bed, his eyes rounded and his heart pounding wildly as Victor’s frightened voice echoed in his head. It was a long time before he calmed down enough to lie down again and fall asleep.

_Why did Victor look at me like that?_

_Like I had become some kind of monster?_


	5. Eros or Agape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor begins to suffer ominous symptoms as he struggles with ideas for his next season.

Alone in the dance studio in Lilia’s mansion, Victor took up a stance with his arms at his sides and his head turned to the right, eyes closed.

 _Agape_ , he thought as he began to dance, _unconditional love. To me, that means…Yakov. Lilia. Maccachin. Valentin._

He breathed softly, hearing the first strains of music in his head and hummed barely audibly as he continued to move. His eyes were still closed, so he failed to notice when Lilia entered the room and paused to watch with a calm, introspective gaze.

_Beautiful._

_You are a delight to the soul, Vitya. On the ice or off, your body moves with grace and I can see the story you are telling without a word being spoken or sung. I feel the music, even though it is, as yet, unwritten._

_Innocence._

_Love._

_These things you understand and you want to embrace, but you worry that they are fleeting, like the beauty and vitality of our youth that leaves us with each tick of the clock. Still, even if you are older for a figure skater, you are a young and very beautiful man. You will be all right, as long as you can recognize and embrace all of the love that surrounds you._

She noticed suddenly that Victor had spotted her watching, and had stopped dancing to read her thoughtful expression.

“What do you think?” he asked.

“This is for the next season?” Lilia inquired.

Victor reached for a small towel hung on the ballet bar and wiped it over his sweating face.

“Yes…well, maybe. I don’t know if I prefer this or something else?”

Lilia tilted her head and smiled at him.

“Is it that you don’t know if you want to do this, or do you have another idea that is equally compelling to you?”

“Hmm,” Victor sighed, reaching up to rub his chin, “there is something else, but I’m not sure I want to explore it.”

“Why not?”

Victor’s blue-green eyes slid closed again and he breathed slowly and thought for a moment.

“I…I’m not sure,” he said uncertainly.

Lilia moved closer and slipped a cool palm under his chin. His eyes opened and met hers steadily.

“Show me.”

Victor drew in a shaky breath and nodded, then he took up a similar position to the one he had used before, but began with a more sensual movement of his arms, then slid his hands down his sides, meeting Lilia’s gaze with a smoldering, desirous expression that made her eyes narrow in reaction.

 _Eros_ , he whispered inwardly, his mind returning to the dancing at the banquet after the Grand Prix Final, the moves taken from those of his alpha mate, _sexual love, passionate…rapturous, overflowing with desire._

“Stop,” Lilia said suddenly.

Victor froze and opened his eyes to meet hers.

“I think I understand,” the elder woman went on, “You have two equally compelling ideas, and I think you’re not ready to choose between them.”

“What do you think I should do?” Victor asked, “One for the short and one for the long? Or should I choose between them?”

“That, I don’t know,” Lilia answered, shaking her head, “It will come to you. In the meantime, have the music composed for both programs and translate those moves to the ice. I think your vision will clear as you move forward and get closer to the new season.”

“Just don’t forget the season that hasn’t ended yet,” Yakov said, walking into the ballet studio.

“When did you get here?” Victor asked, turning to greet him, “I would have thought you would go to the ice rink rather than here.”

Yakov huffed out a short breath and crossed his arms.  
“Well, I was already here all night, so I just haven’t left yet,” he answered.

“Oh,” Victor chuckled, hiding a smirk as Lilia shot her ex a warning glance.

“Vitya needs to practice for the Russian Nationals.”

Lilia nodded.

“He is rested, fed, warmed up and ready to perform,” she replied stiffly, “But you let him move at his own speed today. He is still recovering.”

“I’m really fine,” Victor objected.

“No, Lilia is right,” Yakov said sternly, “Listen to your body, Vitya. Do not push yourself too hard. The nationals are just a few weeks away.

Though he wanted to argue, Victor noted that both his skating coach and his ballet instructor wore the same stubborn, disapproving look.

“Fine,” he sighed, “but why train at all if you are both just going to go too easy on me. Maybe there isn’t anyone who can challenge me on the ice right now, but if I just take it easy all of the time, I am going to get rusty and lose my flexibility.”

“Nonsense. We won’t let that happen,” Yakov scoffed, “Come now, we have work to do.”

“It doesn’t sound like I’ll be working very hard at all.”

“Be quiet and come now!” the older man snapped.

Victor smiled and kissed Lilia on the cheek, making the skin flush ever so slightly.

“Thank you,” he said quietly, “and please thank Valentin for me. You’ve been very comforting, but I promise, I will be all right now.”

“Call me when you are done. You will stay here again tonight?” Lilia asked.

“I really think I need to go home. I’ve been gone so much for competition, Maccachin and I are going to forget our address. But, I will call.”

“I’m holding you to that.”

“I’ll call.”

“You’d better.”

Lilia sighed anxiously as she watched the two men leave the ballet studio. She breathed in Victor’s gentle lingering scent and her mind replayed the sight of him dancing to the two very different themes.

_Vitya._

_Do not let the world be too heavy on your shoulders. When life is cruel, let us be there for you. Yakov and I…will not fail you._

XXXXXXXXXX

(3 weeks later)

“Have you found it yet, Yuuri?” Phichit asked excitedly, flopping down alongside his roommate on Yuuri’s bed in the dorm room they shared, “It’s almost time for it to start, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri affirmed, “I have it.”

“Got the snacks here,” Phichit chuckled, indicating a pile of snacks on the bed and two large drinks set on a table next to it, “I can’t wait to see Victor perform.”

“I don’t think there’s anyone competing who can come close,” Yuuri speculated, “A few of them are pretty good, but…”

“But, Victor’s amazing,” Phichit finished, “Look, is that him practicing in the background?”

“Uh-huh!” Yuuri answered, squinting to get a better look as the Russian skater dropped slowly into a full side split.

“Man, I _hope_ I’m still that flexible when I’m twenty-seven,” the Thai skater laughed.

“Don’t we all,” Yuuri agreed.

Yuuri frowned and looked closer as Victor climbed back to his feet and reached over to grab a cloth from his coach to wipe over his face. Yakov moved closer, meeting the younger man’s eyes questioningly.

 _What’s going on there?_ Yuuri wondered, _Is he all right? He looks kind of pale._

At the Moscow rink, Victor dried the sweat from his face and tilted his head slightly as Yakov studied him for a moment.

“Are you feeling all right, Vitya?” the old coach inquired, “You look pale.”

“I always look pale. For the millionth time, I’m fine. Stop worrying,” Victor complained, turning away to start an off-ice run through of his short program.

“You are sweating more than usual.”

“It’s warm back here, away from the ice,” Victor lied.

“What? No, it isn’t.”

“Oh, fine. Take my temperature, if it will stop you from nagging me about it,” Victor offered.

Yakov gave him a scolding look and took out a digital thermometer that he slipped into the Russian skater’s mouth, then removed when it beeped.

“See there,” Victor chided him, “It’s perfectly normal. Now, will you stop bugging me? It’s almost my turn.”

“If you feel off…”

“I don’t feel off!” Victor snapped.

“Well, if you do when you get out there, you drop the lutz at the beginning of the program and just do the quad flip and triple axel with the toe loop combination in the second half.”

“I don’t need to scale back,” Victor argued, “I have plenty of energy for the quad lutz and flip combination.”

He turned away as the signal came for him to enter the ice and completely ignored Yakov’s continued rant.

_I don’t know what he’s so worried about. I’ve been fine except for a little stomach upset and my heat being thrown off by the incident in Sochi._

He skated out to center ice and took up his starting position, waiting for the music to begin. He could feel Yakov’s unhappy eyes watching him like a hawk.

_I don’t want to hear that I don’t have to go all out. I’m sick to death of holding back. How can I surprise the audience? How can I hold my head up if I am not out here, giving my best performance?_

The music began and he moved easily through the beginning segment and a lovely combination spin. He smirked as he threw his body into the air, landing the quad lutz with ease before dazzling with a series of graceful moves that included a difficult cantilever. As he rose back up from the laid back position, he felt a sharp twinge through his lower abdomen and experienced an unexpected swell of nausea.

_Ugh…_

Determined that Yakov was definitely not going to be right, he launched his body into the quad flip, but gasped on the landing as a sharper pain radiated in his abdomen. He barely remembered to finish with the triple toe loop and wobbled barely noticeably on the landing. But even so, he could feel Yakov cringing and gritting his teeth.

_It hurts._

_God, I don’t know what will happen on the triple axel, at this rate._

He was grateful that the step sequence was next, as even though the movements were complicated, they didn’t put stress on his aching belly. But as the sequence came to a close and he wound up for the axel, he felt a quiver inside and a knot of worry forming. He threw his body into the air and barely made the final half turn before landing.

_Damn it._

_Yakov with have my head for that._

He was supposed to leap into his final spin, but felt another warning twinge and opted for an easier entry.

_It isn’t my best performance, but it got the job done. I need to find out what was making me hurt like that._

He was still spinning as a thought occurred to him that jolted him soundly and almost made him miss the timing of the exit from his final spin combination.

 _No_ , he told himself firmly, _it’s not that. I’ve just eaten something that didn’t agree with me. It happens sometimes. I’ll be fine. I’m fine. I. Am. Fine._

He struck his final pose, pointedly ignoring the fact that Yakov looked like he was chewing on nails.

_I wish I’d remembered to bring earplugs for after._

He sighed resignedly as he waved and bowed, then skated to exit and headed for the kiss and cry with Yakov scolding him every step of the way. The scolding didn’t stop for a moment while they waited for the star skater’s scores.

“I told you to drop the lutz and do the quad flip and the quad toe loop combination. I know you heard me, Vitya!”

“Of course I heard you, but you said to do that if I needed to. I didn’t need to.”

“You don’t know what you need. I could _see_ you cringe every time you landed. What’s wrong with you? Are you sick? Does it hurt somewhere?”

“Ah, I don’t know. I have a stomach ache.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I didn’t have one before.”

“Grr!” Yakov snarled, “You’re impossible!”

“I’m not trying to be. I had an off night, but it will be fine.”

The two paused in their exchange as Victor’s scores posted. Watching in their room in Detroit, Yuuri and Phichit sighed as the scores flashed on the screen.

“It wasn’t his best performance, but he was still way better than any of the other skaters,” Yuuri reflected, “so I guess he can get away with it.”

“It doesn’t look like he’s getting away with anything,” Phichit laughed, pointing at the screen.

Yuuri snickered and shook his head.

“Victor’s really headstrong,” he commented, “I hear Coach Feltsman yells at him all of the time, but it never does any good.”

“Yeah, well I guess when you’re as good as he is, no one can really tell you anything,” Phichit concluded.

Back at the Moscow ice rink, Victor exited the kiss and cry with Yakov a step behind him, and still scolding him mercilessly. He felt another twinge in his belly and quietly breathed through it. Another feeling of nausea and slight dizziness followed and the Russian skater realized all at once that his coach had stopped yelling at him and had an arm around him, supporting him.

“Get the team medic!” Yakov hissed, guiding Victor to a bench and angling his body to shield his skater from the cameras that were focused in their direction, “Vitya, are you okay?”

“Oh…ah, I think so. I just feel off. Sitting down helps.”

A stronger feeling of nausea passed over him and he swayed a little.

“Or…Yakov, I think I’m going to…”

He broke off and grabbed his midsection as Yakov shoved a small trash bin in front of him just in time for Victor to lean over and vomit into it.

“I told you that you looked pale,” Yakov complained, rubbing his student’s back gently as Victor leaned over and threw up again, “You look white as a ghost.”

“Hmm, thank you, Yakov,” Victor deadpanned, “I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you to tell me these things.”

The team medic hurried to join them and began a quick examination.

“What exactly are you feeling?” he asked, swiftly taking Victor’s temperature and studying his pale, sweaty face and throat.

“I’ve been a little nauseous for the last couple of hours,” Victor admitted.

“I knew it!” Yakov snapped, “You should have listened to me, you idiot!”

“Yakov, don’t be mean. I don’t feel good,” Victor groaned.

“You don’t feel good? Now, you admit you don’t feel good?”

“I thought I would be all right,” the Russian skater continued, but I felt pain in my belly when I was landing on my jumps today.”

“Can you show me where you felt the pain?”

Victor indicated the area and breathed slowly as the medic continued to examine him and ask occasional questions.

“I know your last heat cycle was off. We talked about that in our conversation in Sochi.

Victor flinched visibly as he remembered.

“I’m sorry,” the medic apologized, “We just need to eliminate pregnancy as…”

“I am not pregnant,” Victor said firmly, “I just ate something bad. Can we please go, Yakov? I want to lie down. No, wait, I have to…”

He leaned over and threw up again as his coach and the medic exchanged sympathetic glances and shook their heads.

“Come Vitya,” Yakov said more kindly, helping him to his feet as his nausea eased slightly, “Let’s get you back to your room.”

“I’m sorry,” Victor panted softly, “I just need to rest.”

“We’re going to stop by the clinic near the hotel and have you looked at again,” Yakov insisted as the two left the venue and climbed into the rental car.

“Did you not hear me?” Victor argued, “I just want to lie down and rest.”

“We’re getting you checked out and that’s final.”

Victor sighed and fastened his seatbelt, then turned slightly sideways to curl his body a little.

“Fine, if you think it’s important, but it’s just something I ate or it’s a flu or something.”

_I’m not pregnant from that night._

_I’m not._

He breathed a sigh of relief as they reached the clinic and a pregnancy test came back negative.

“This is still not a guarantee that it’s not pregnancy, as you had intercourse less than a month before the testing today, and while you were in heat. It can take a month or a little longer for it to be detectable in an omega,” the clinic doctor warned him, “Please remember to get a follow up test if you don’t feel better.”

 _It’s not that_ , Victor told himself fervently, _I am not pregnant. I’m not._

_I can’t be._


	6. Always and Never Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor struggles with the truth of his condition.

Victor stood quietly at the counter in the master bathroom of his lovely Saint Petersburg home, wearing nothing but a towel and a pensive expression as he followed the directions on the box he held, then set the developing pregnancy test on the counter. He glanced down at the sleepy looking poodle that laid on the floor nearby and sighed.

“You know,” he said, crouching down to pat the old dog’s fuzzy head, “for such a simple test, that was a lot of trouble I went to. I don’t mind dressing up for competitions and pretending, but having to change my hair and clothes and pretend to be someone else for something like this? I didn’t do anything wrong…but all omegas are ever taught by this world is that everything we are…everything we do…is wrong.”

He shook his head and sighed again.

“Do you know how long it took me to get all of that spray color out of my hair? How awful it felt, wearing padding to hide the shape of my body? Taking public transportation to a scary neighborhood, just to be sure that I wasn’t recognized?”

He bit at his lips and rubbed his hands over his face, standing.

“But I need to know, right?”

He left the bathroom with Maccachin on his heels, and walked out into the bedroom, where he looked out the window, into the sky.

“I need to know before anyone else, so I can try to think of what to do. I could hide this well enough through the European Championships, but if I am…? If I am pregnant, can I get through worlds without it being exposed? Once that competition is over, I have plenty of time to drop quietly out of sight and have the baby. I know Yakov and Lilia would help me come up with something to explain me suddenly having a child. Still…what happens after that…if this is true?”

He looked down at Macca’s sympathetic face as the old dog whined and licked his hand.

“I know you understand, Maccachin,” he answered, stroking his poodle’s face tenderly, “Thank god you’re here, because otherwise I really would be doing this all alone. Maybe I should have told Yakov. After the nationals, he was suspicious, but I did better at hiding the fact that the nausea wasn’t going away. I just…didn’t want anyone to know.”

He turned his head to look out the window again.

“I know Lilia and Yakov think that I shouldn’t be ashamed to be an omega, but even though they feel that way, even they knew what would have happened if I’d been publicly acknowledged as one. They know how omegas are looked down on. And do you know, even I look down on myself, when I know it’s wrong to do that? I don’t mean to, but it’s a burden having to hide from everyone. Having to be one thing on the inside, but always wear a mask on the outside. Everyone loves my alpha mask so much, would they ever be able to accept who I really am?”

He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing slowly as tears burned in the corners of his eyes.

_What hurts the most is that there is so much love all around me, but I feel that because it’s love for the mask I wear, it doesn’t belong to me. Yakov says that I’m being silly, that their love for me has to do with my talent on the ice, and that it is me they are loving._

_I don’t know._

_I just feel like the lies around me are a thick wall that nothing can pass through._

He flinched as a beeping sound issued from his cell phone and he touched a lit button to quiet the notification. He forced a smile and patted Maccachin on the head, then he crouched and put his arms around the poodle. Reading his melancholy, Maccachin quivered and whimpered, licking his cheek.

“Will you walk with me, old friend?” Victor asked.

A very small, but genuine smile returned as he stood and, just as he had since Victor was twelve years old and the dog was a puppy, Maccachin took up a position at his side.

“Thank you, Maccachin.”

The old poodle whimpered again and nuzzled his hand. The two walked back to the bathroom together.

_These steps feel so heavy._

_I feel so anxious and helpless to do anything now._

Victor picked up the test and read the result. He swallowed hard and gave in to the odd feeling of weakness in his legs and just sat down and hugged Maccachin without saying anything.

_Just like that, it’s over. All of my worst fears are true. Yuuri knows that I’m an omega and he could reveal it at any time. I am pregnant and I don’t know if I can get through worlds. And even if I do, how can I keep doing this?_

He looked down and realized suddenly that his hands had released the old dog and now laid on his abdomen in what looked like a protective gesture.

_What does this mean?_

_I know I don’t want to be pregnant, and the answer should be simple. If I want to continue the way I was, I could end the pregnancy. It’s simple and can be done easily and privately. I wouldn’t even have to tell Yakov or Lilia. It could be over with by tonight and I could just explain it off when I miss a few practices while I recover. I could perform in the world championships without worrying about symptoms and not have to hide the pregnancy as it progresses. It’s three months along, so I would have to start worrying about showing weight gain soon. So many complications could be avoided if I just…_

He shivered, looking down at his hands, then he pulled them away with an effort, removing the towel so that he could look at the bare flesh of his belly. He sucked in a surprised breath.

_It’s a very small change, but I see it…just that small rounding._

_That isn’t nothing._

_That isn’t something easily dealt with._

_We’ve only just met and we can’t even see each other, but already I want to embrace you. I know what will happen, but there is this feeling inside I can’t even describe._

_What is it?_

His mind went back to the softer program and the feelings that had made him create it.

_So, this is it?_

_This is unconditional love?_

_This is…Agape?_

_This is the real reason that I’ve been wanting to hide you. This is why I just stopped drinking, even though it made the nausea even worse and I went through withdrawal. This is what made my heart come up with the Agape program. It’s been you all along, hasn’t it?_

Victor looked down at his belly again, his fingers gently brushing the tears from where they had leaked onto his face. His body relaxed and he laid his hands on his belly again, closing his eyes.

“Agape,” he breathed softly, “unconditional love…like God’s love, or a parent’s. To me, that means…”

He flinched as an image flashed in his mind.

_He laid on his back on an operating table with a drape across his body, hiding what was happening on the other side. He felt a sensation like something heavy, squeezing his chest and abdomen, and he grunted in distress. A little weight on his hand reminded him suddenly that he wasn’t alone and he turned his head, expecting to see Lilia there. A gasp escaped him as he spotted Yuuri Katsuki’s smiling face and heard his low, soft voice._

_“It’s going to be fine. Just…”_

_He broke off as a little cry sounded, and their eyes met, knowing what that sound was, and what it meant._

_We’re a family._

A little sob escaped him, and he hugged Maccachin tightly, burying his face in the old poodle’s shoulder.

_It’s not going to be like that, is it? Yuuri was so disgusted by me being an omega that he left without us ever talking, and he’s probably just not saying anything because he regrets biting me now. I’m just a weight that hangs around his neck and he doesn’t even want to know about this baby. We’ll never have that moment together, where we hear our baby’s voice for the first time and we’re happy because it makes us a family. I’m going to have to quit skating, aren’t I? Will I have to give up everything? I have enough money that I’ll never have to work at another job, but can I do it? Can I raise a baby alone?_

He was comforted slightly as he thought of how Yakov, Lilia and Valentin would all react.

“I guess I won’t be alone, whatever happens,” he whispered, rubbing his face against Maccachin’s hair and kissing him on the top of the head, “I still have a few people to help me, and I still have you.”

He thought back fondly to the day he and the now aged poodle had met.

_He laid on the examination table, reeling at his doctor’s calm proclamation at his yearly physical._

_“You are beginning to show signs of being an omega.”_

_“I’m…?”_

_“Yes, I’m afraid so. Yakov has asked me not to divulge this information to anyone, so I will not, but I have recommended that you move out of the skater’s dormitory and into a private home if you plan to keep this information from becoming public. My nurse will instruct you on what to expect as your body matures and you begin to go into heat sometimes.”_

_He barely heard anything else the doctor said, and he remained silent as Yakov retrieved him in the lobby and led him to the car._

_“Don’t worry about this,” the old coach said reassuringly, “You’re going to be fine. You are going to live with Lilia until you are old enough to live on your own…and…”_

_He broke off as a little bark sounded through the partially open window of Yakov’s car._

_“What is that?” Victor asked, finally breaking his silence._

_“Hmph, it was Lilia’s idea,” Yakov grumbled, watching as the sulky pre-teen brightened and opened the car door, grinning widely at the little hairy bundle that charged at him and leapt into his arms._

_“You’re so cute!” Victor laughed, hugging the small puppy carefully against his chest, “What’s his name, Yakov?”_

_“Eh, I suppose it’s whatever you want it to be.”_

_Victor’s head tilted and he studied the beautiful little poodle’s silvery beige coat. He gave the dog a little wink and the poodle licked his cheek._

_“I’ll call you Maccachin!” Victor announced._

_“Who’s a what?” Yakov grunted, giving the youth a baffled look, “What does that even mean?”_

_“What does it mean?” Victor giggled, “It means this boy, right Macca?”_

_The little puppy barked and wagged his tail._

_“That’s not what I…”_

_“I just like the way it sounds,” Victor laughed, hopping into the back seat with the dog._

_Yakov studied the two for a moment, then grunted again and shook his head._

_“Boys…”_

Victor took a steadying breath, bringing himself to his full height, then he drew steadying breaths until his heart returned to what felt like a normal rhythm. He dressed slowly, chatting absently with Maccachin and trying desperately to pretend it was like any other day.

Leaving the house with Macca on his heels brought back a measure of normality, but as much as he was beginning to feel all right again, it all went awry as he spotted a young, slim blonde boy, standing on the overpass ahead of him, looking like he was waiting.

_Yuri Plisetsky._

_What a damned nuisance. He’s there every time I have to go to practice. He does live near here, but why does he also seem to always be going to the rink every time I am? He is rude, foul-mouthed, he doesn’t listen to anything Yakov says (although I can’t really fault him for that without being hypocritical) and he’s just plain annoying to be around. I would say he looks up to me, but he’s so disrespectful, it can’t really be called that, can it?_

“Hey Victor,” Yuri greeted him, “You’re kind of late, aren’t you?”

“Am I?”

“You’re usually earlier.”

“I had things to do.”

He sighed as he headed past the youth and Yuri fell in beside him.

_He’s a feisty tomcat who does have advanced skills. There is no one who can match him at the junior level, so he’s cocky…at least until he moves up soon and gets the shock of his life._

Victor tried to enjoy the thought, but it rang hollow in his heart.

_He has youth and talent on his side, and he is a talented beta without the baggage that I carry. But he lacks the powerful aura of an alpha and the imagination and creative vision of an omega, so he’ll need help to grow, but with proper grooming, he will be a top contender._

“Did you hear what I just said?” Yuri asked crossly.

“No, I kind of missed it.”

“It figures.”

“What did you say then?” Victor asked absently.

“Just forget it, old man. You’ll just forget it again before you can answer. I don’t know why Yakov doesn’t make you quit. You’re only going to lose your place to me when I move up.”

“You wish,” Victor snorted, “But go ahead and try. It will be entertaining, watching you.”

“It will be more fun watching you as your bones get all brittle and your hair and teeth fall out.”

“Is there a reason why you’re following me?” Victor asked, turning and stopping, “As much as I dearly love our heart to heart conversations, you are a cocky little asshole and I don’t like you. Please go away.”

_Shit._

_What was that I just said?_

_I never talk like that to anyone…as much as they may deserve it! It was like he hit my last nerve and I just let loose. What’s wrong with me? Or, at least, I suppose it must be the hormonal changes in my body._

_Should I apologize?_

_But, he kind of deserved it._

_No, he really deserved it._

“Fine. You want to walk alone, I have better things to do than waste my time on you.”

“What a shame.”

“Yeah, I can tell that it’s really breaking your heart.”

“And that bothers you?”

“Not really, but I suppose I have to keep you around until you make good on your promise.”

Victor gave him a blank look and Yuri snarled.

“You _said_ that if I win the junior worlds without doing any quads, you would design a program, just for me! Don’t tell me you fucking forgot!”

“Oh that,” Victor snickered, “Well, you haven’t won the junior worlds yet, have you.”

“I’m going to!” Yuri snapped, “And then you are going to make that program for me.”

“Of course. Of course. All right. And you don’t have to follow me around like a lost puppy. I’ll do it even if you don’t.”

“If you remember, that is,” Yuri sighed, shaking his head.

“I don’t know why you’re so worried,” Victor teased him, “Why do you need anything from an old man whose bones are going to get brittle and whose hair and teeth are going to fall out soon?”

“Hmph, you may be getting old and your body may be falling apart, but you still know how to make winning programs.”

“Oh, is that your version of a compliment?” Victor inquired blithely, “I’ll be honest. It could use some work.”

“Oh, shut up!” Yuri huffed as the two reached the ice rink and entered, only to be met with an instant scolding.

“You two are late!” Yakov snapped, “Quit wasting my time and get your skates on.”

Victor sighed and sat down on a bench to put on his skates, while Yuri and Yakov exchanged more heated words.

_When will he learn that the best way to handle Yakov’s shouting is to stay very calm and not get so angry. It’s hard to provoke someone who won’t fight back with you. I just let him yell at me and eventually he stops. What’s the point in raising my blood pressure along with his?_

Victor was grateful that his younger teammate’s antics kept Yakov diverted, so that he could move onto the ice and away from the fracas. He skated to the far end of the rink and let his mind wander as he warmed up slowly.

_Agape? Or Eros?_

He closed his eyes and imagined Yuuri Katsuki, the way he had been on the night of the Grand Prix Final banquet. His body moved, echoing the music that he had felt coming off of Yuuri’s drunken, senseless form.

_He was so beautiful when he let go of his anxieties and courted me like the alpha he is. He danced with the others to ‘earn’ the right to dance with me, then he took me to the stars! I felt so light, so free, even though he was holding me while we moved together. It was amazing. I don’t remember ever having so much fun. He was like a beautiful playboy, come to town to ravish me. Unfortunately, like a playboy, he also tired of me quickly, once he had what he wanted._

“VITYA, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?” Yakov roared, almost making the Russian legend lose his balance.

Victor slid to a stop and realized suddenly that everyone in the rink was staring at him, and they all wore, aroused, mesmerized expressions.

“It…was an idea for my next short program,” Victor answered honestly, “What’s the matter? Don’t you like it?”

The old man ran the back of an arm over his sweating forehead.

“Just get back to concentrating on your programs for worlds!” the old man snarled, turning away.

Victor heard a feminine giggle and turned to see Mila give him a wink.

“I think it’s perfect,” she laughed, “I don’t think the judges will know what hit them.”

“Shut up, idiot!” Yuri scoffed, “He can’t do something like that on the ice. It’ll melt and he’ll have to swim his goddamned program!”

Victor sighed and skated to the opposite end of the rink. He tried dutifully to work on his current programs, but found himself distracted and skidding to a stop as a feeling like little bubbles went through his midsection.

“What’s wrong now?” Yakov demanded.

He waited until Yakov was focused on his other skaters, then laid a hand on his belly and closed his eyes for a moment.

_Are you letting me know you’re there, little one? I feel that. I’m with you. Let’s skate together, okay? I want you to feel what I’ve been feeling._

He moved then, through the _Agape_ program, feeling the music all around him and inside him and wondering if maybe the child growing inside him could feel the music too.

“Vitya…”

Yakov’s reprimand was softer this time and carried no hint of real anger.

“You should really focus on the programs for worlds.”

“I know,” Victor panted softly, nodding at his coach and taking up his proper position, “I’m sorry, Yakov. I was distracted, but it’s fine now.”

“Is it really?” Yakov wondered aloud, as Victor began to practice _Stammi Vicino_.

_I wonder, Vitya._

_Are you really okay?_

_That program was beautiful and so were you, but…it also felt for a moment like my heart was breaking. Just remember that, whatever is happening inside you…you are not alone._


	7. New Heartbeats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri ponders how to make his dream of meeting Victor again on the ice happen. Meanwhile, in Saint Petersburg, Victor secretly embraces the idea of having Yuuri's love child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - attempted rape of an omega character.

Yuuri sat alone in the darkened Detroit ice rink, looking out where he had just been practicing the same thing he had practiced nearly every day since his return from his disastrous performance in the Sochi Grand Prix Final. His heart flickered inside with the fading warmth that Victor’s free skate music always left after he skated to it. His mind went back to his earlier meeting with Coach Celestino and the hard decision he had finally made.

_“So, you have made a decision?” Celestino asked, giving him a hopeful look._

_The hope faded as he regarded Yuuri’s downcast expression._

_“I’m going back to Japan,” Yuuri managed softly._

_“I see. Does this mean you are retiring from skating or just…?”_

_“I’m finished with my college degree now,” Yuuri answered, keeping his eyes dutifully lowered, “but I don’t know yet what I want to do. I need more time to think things through and to figure out what to do next.”_

_“Hmm, I’m sorry to hear that,” Celestino said, sounding sympathetic, but clearly disappointed, “I’ve told you this before, there is every reason to believe that you have a bright future as a skater. You are still young enough yet that with some work on your confidence, we can overcome your anxiety. You will go to the Grand Prix Final again if you just trust yourself enough to try.”_

_Yuuri gave his coach a sad smile._

_“Thank you,” he said quietly, bowing respectfully, “I am still going to end things for now, so that I can go home and think carefully about this before making a final decision.”_

_“Good luck then,” Celestino said, taking the younger man’s hand in his and shaking gently, “You know where to find me when you are ready to make a decision.”_

Yuuri sighed wearily, looking out at the ice and almost seeing Victor’s slender, willowy body dancing around the ice, a little, dreamy smile on his lips and his mind lost in the beauty of doing something so close to his heart.

“Victor,” he whispered, “I do want to skate on the same ice with you again someday. I don’t know how it will happen, but I still have that as my goal. I’m going home now to think things over and to figure something out. But, don’t worry. I haven’t given up on this. I still love the ice too, and I want to share that love with you. Someday, I want to be able to talk to you and to tell you how much you’ve inspired me. I don’t know what it will take to make that happen, but…I want to.”

He bent over to remove his skates and slipped them into his backpack before putting on his street shoes and heading out into the dark streets. He felt grateful that the later time meant that there were less people around, so he could sink back into his thoughts more readily.

_I’d go somewhere with Phichit to hang out a little, but he still has one more exam to take, so he’ll be busy studying. I’m kind of hungry, but even if I ate something, I think I’d barely taste it. I’ve been feeling stressed out a lot lately, and even sleeping doesn’t make me feel better._

_Especially with those dreams I keep having._

_Phichit had to wake me up again last night, because again I was dreaming of being some kind of monster and hurting Victor. When I woke up, I was still seeing Victor’s scared face in my mind. Even worse than the fact that I was a monster in my dream, I woke up from those dreams feeling aroused and smelling a scent that in my dream was Victor’s sexual scent…the way he smelled when I stripped him and laid on top of him._

He swallowed hard, shivering from more than the chill in the air.

_I could hear Victor’s scared voice in my ears, but I felt cold and numb inside…like I couldn’t be merciful or care about what I was doing. God, it felt like I had no control at all. I really was horrible._

He paused as he reached the middle of a pedestrian bridge that led back to the area where his dormitory was located. Looking out over the dark, rushing water below, he tried to let the soothing sound drown out the memory of the content of his dreams.

_I should try to stop thinking about it. I’m sure it’s just because I messed things up so badly in Sochi. I had hoped to talk to Victor, to tell him how much he’s inspired me over the years. I wanted to stand in front of him, feeling proud of my performance, feeling that it was a way to honor him. I wanted to see his ocean colored eyes sparkle with happiness and his smile that would have been just for me…for that one moment._

_We didn’t get to have that moment and I have so many regrets._

Yuuri sighed heavily and shook his head, then continued across the bridge.

_It’s hard not knowing if I’ll ever get the chance to meet Victor and talk to him. I…_

Yuuri’s feet stopped as a rustling in the nearby bushes caught his attention and a sad, scared whimper sounded from within.

“P-please…please stop!”

“Be quiet,” another voice scolded, and Yuuri could hear the swish of clothing catching the brush and moving it, “You shouldn’t be out here when you’re in heat, and you know it!”

“I was t-trying to just get more pills! The b-bottle spilled and I…”

“Doesn’t matter why. Shut up and spread your legs. You know you want it. I can smell it on you.”

“Get off of me! Please! Someone help!”

“Be quiet, or I’ll bite you, just do you have to depend on me. I’ve got a few already who have to, you know.”

“Please no! Don’t bite me. I…I’ll let you do what you want. Just please let me go?”

_An omega in heat._

Yuuri shivered as he caught the omega’s alluring scent and he felt a twinge in his loins.

Within the bushes, there was more rustling and the sounds of the omega whimpering as the alpha moved to make his conquest.

_It’s wrong._

_The omega doesn’t want this, but the alpha has the power. Even though I know it’s wrong, I too, feel the draw of the omega’s heat. It’s…like in my dream about Victor._

Yuuri suffered a harsh flash of Victor’s scared face leaking tears and his scared voice asking for mercy.

_NO!_

He burst into the bushes and skidded to a stop, just short of where the alpha knelt atop the naked and softly sobbing omega.

“He said to get off!” Yuuri growled, unsure why he wasn’t the least bit afraid of the alpha being bigger than he was, and looking quite angry, “I took video on my cell of him refusing. If you don’t leave, I’ll report you to the authorities. Go now!”

The alpha snarled, but climbed off of the slighter omega, grabbing his scattered clothes and making a hasty retreat. Yuuri moved closer as the omega tugged his own clothes back into place, then his light blue eyes looked into Yuuri’s curiously.

“Th-thank you,” he said, his voice shaking hard, “B-but aren’t you an alpha too? Are you going to…?”

Yuuri shook his head firmly.

“I’m not an alpha,” he said calmly, “Alphas are animals. You will be okay with me. Let me get you back home before you run into more trouble.”

The young man brushed a handful of pretty blond hairs out of his face, reminding Yuuri instantly of Victor.

“I can tell you really are an alpha,” the omega said, his voice calming, “I know that my scent is affecting you.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Yuuri assured him, “I’m not going to hurt you. Come on…erm…”

“Kyle,” the blond man answered, accepting Yuuri’s hand and allowing the Japanese skater to pull him to his feet, “And you are?”

“Oh, I’m Yuuri. I just graduated…well, I mean, I just finished my classes, here at the university. Are you a student?”

“Yeah, I’m a junior. I just…I was really scared just now, because I didn’t have any protection with me and that alpha didn’t either. I would get kicked out of school probably if I got pregnant, and my parents would probably make me come home. Y-you really saved me…and…and I do feel kind of attracted to you and I’m in heat. Look, I have some protection in my room and my roommate already left. I promise it’ll just be for tonight and I won’t look for you after. I just…I’m feeling…”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri said sympathetically, putting an arm around the Omega as they headed towards the young man’s dormitory, “I get it. But…I’m not like that. We don’t know each other. I’m…I’m sorry. I don’t mean to offend you.”

“It’s okay,” Kyle said quickly, his cheeks flushing, “You probably think I’m a slut, asking you to do something like that.”

“No,” Yuuri assured him, “I don’t think that. I admit you’re good looking and you do smell tempting to me. But I can’t be with someone I don’t even know.”

Kyle’s smile widened as they reached the dorm and he reached for the door handle at the front entrance.

“You could come up and we could get to know each other,” he snickered, “You’re really cute, Yuuri.”

“Eh…th-thanks,” Yuuri stammered, blushing, “but I’ve gotta…ah…um…I’m going back to Japan and…”

“Thank you, Yuuri,” Kyle laughed, “You’re a good guy, especially for an alpha.”

He walked inside and the door closed before Yuuri could issue his objection.

“I’m not…an…”

He paused, breathing the cold air and still smelling the omega’s tempting scent.

_I can’t be an alpha._

_I wasn’t identified as one, and I’ve never been dominant with anyone about anything. I have been having funny feelings, and I do smell omegas pretty strongly, but…_

_…no…_

_I’m not an alpha._

_Alphas are animals._

_They are monsters._

_That’s not what I am at all._

XXXXXXXXXX

Victor arrived at the St. Petersburg skating rink well before sunrise, arriving just as the first employee arrived.

“Good morning, Katina,” he said cheerfully.

“Starting early today, Vitya?” the young woman giggled, pulling the door farther open, “Go on in.”

“Thanks.”

He headed past the unmanned front desk and through the front lobby to the rink. He found it the way he liked best…empty and with the lights still off. He wasted no time getting his street shoes off and lacing up his skates, then he hurried out onto the fresh, unspoiled ice.

_It feels so good when it’s smooth like this!_

He closed his eyes, not needing them at all to traverse the place he had used for practice for so many years.

_Do you like it too, little one? Can you feel how liberating it feels to soar along the surface, following your heart in all kinds of patterns, turning, speeding around and not having to worry about anyone being there. It’s the most beautiful place, and it’s where I do the very best of my creation._

_Yes…I do think of new things all of the time like this…free and moving uninhibited, soaring over the ice in whatever way I feel…no need for light or direction or other people. This is our playground. I love it so much. Just this half hour or so I get here before anyone else…_

“Hey Victor!”

Victor cringed and slowed, blinking as the rink lights came on and Yuri Plisetsky committed the horrible act of shattering his morning peace.

“I was looking for you.”

“Oh, really, why?” Victor asked.

_Why does he have to bug me? He got up extra early to do this?_

“I was working on the step sequence for my short program and I realized that there was something I was not liking about it. I thought that it could be better…”

“You have a skating coach for that,” Victor sighed, skating to the edge of the ice and stopping to brush the gathered ice bits from his golden blades, “Why do you need me?”

“Eh, you’re a better choreographer than mine.”

“Then, fire your choreographer and get one that’s better than me.”

“Shut up,” Yuri huffed, skating out and turning, “Here, this is how she said to do it.”

Victor gave his fellow skater a look of forced patience as he watched.

“I don’t like it,” Yuri complained, “I don’t think I can increase the difficulty of the entry into the jump at the end of it if I keep it like that. What do I do?”

_Seriously, why me?_

“Hrm, you could do this?” Victor suggested, moving away and performing several complicated maneuvers, then stopping to look back at the younger skater.

He tilted his head at the aggressive look in Yuri’s eyes.

_Yes, he does love a challenge. He could be a good competitor if he’s developed right. He’s in good hands with Yakov._

“You got it?”

“Yeah, I got it,” Yuri answered, starting to skate away, only to stop and stare in surprise as Victor’s hand wrapped around his wrist, and his teammate smiled almost unnervingly.

“What is that? What are you doing? Let go!” Yuri snapped.

“Give me some money for the vending machine, please.”

“WHAT?” Yuri shouted, “That’s bullshit!”

“No,” Victor corrected him, not even losing his smile, “that is a very cheap price for making sure you are well beyond the range of even of your most talented rivals. I could ask for a lot more than enough for some pelmini and a lime soda.”

“Whatever!” Yuri huffed, pulling the money out and shoving into Victor’s outstretched hand.

He started to skate away, then stopped and turned back, shaking his head as his fellow skater headed to the vending machine.

“What the hell? You don’t even like pelmini!”

Victor secured his snack from the vending machines, then walked back to the edge of the rink and stood at the wall, watching Yuri practice as he ate.

“You know, you’re not supposed to eat that in here, asshole!” Yuri shouted at him.

“Mmhmm,” Victor acknowledged, “I’m just so hungry!”

“But you don’t even like that shit, do you?”

“No, not usually, but today it tastes really good. You want some?”

“No!”

“Oh, but it’s so tasty!” Victor laughed, sticking out his stuffed fork as Yuri skated by.

“Stop it! Don’t drop that on the ice!”

“I won’t. Don’t worry!”

“Keep that away from me, okay? It’s nasty!”

“You’re nasty,” Victor giggled.

“You’re a pain in the ass. Go Away!”

“You’re the one always following me around, aren’t you?” Victor teased him.

“I am not!”

“Of course you are. Because you know you would be lost without me.”

“You’re full of bullshit!”

Victor left off, returning his attention to his snack and continuing to watch as Yuri skated. Just as he was finishing, Yakov entered the rink, alongside Mila and Georgi. He dropped the empty containers in the trash and stepped out onto the ice. One hand reached down to rub his full belly as he made his way across the ice.

_Was that good for you? I don’t usually like pelmini, but maybe you’ll be more like your father. I wonder if Yuuri likes really fancy food or if he prefers more like junk food._

He took up a position for his short program and continued to let his mind wander as he skated.

_I’ll bet that you’re going to be beautiful! I just wonder if you’ll have Yuuri’s darker hair and eyes. I don’t know about eyes, because brown is more dominant, but if he has a blue-eyed parent, maybe you will have blue eyes. You could get my more silvery hair, but maybe you would prefer it if you had Yuuri’s dark hair too. I got teased sometimes when I was a kid. Of course, I was also teased because I looked like a girl._

_I wonder if you will be a girl or a boy. Maybe it would be better to be a girl. I don’t know. I just hope that you’re not like me…a boy, but an omega._

_Well, boy or girl…silver hair or black…brown eyes or blue…you are my child, a wonderful, beautiful part of me. And…even though it was only one night, you remind me of the beauty of the man who is also a part of you. I only hope that…you, too, will not leave me alone._

_Stay with me, little sweet child._

_Fill my heart with this almost unbearable wonderful warmth._

_Be the part of him that will love me…that will never leave me._

Mila stood alongside Yakov, her eyes soft and adoring as she watched Victor’s enchanting performance.

“There’s something different about his skating lately,” she noted, “It’s such a mix of happy and sad, you know?”

“He seems to have finally found some motivation. I was worried for him before. As he ages, it’s important for Vitya to be able to find the inspiration to keep on going. Because when that inspiration runs out, that will be the end.”

“That will be a sad day for figure skating,” Mila sighed.

“Yes,” Yakov agreed, lowering his eyes, “Yes, it will.”


	8. A Million Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor embraces the growing dream of raising his and Yuuri's child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, everyone! Just a note to wish all of you comfort and good health in the midst of the current global health crisis. It may be grim and scary right now, but I am here for you. Be careful. Be safe. And above all, be good to the other humans around you. Take advantage of every opportunity to show your kindness to others, even if it has to happen from 6 feet away. I love you all and I will keep the magic happening here. Cheers, Spunky

**(Inspired by Pink’s “A Million Dreams”)**

The sound of his alarm clock brought Victor out of a sound sleep and he found himself already smiling as he reached over and touched the button to quiet the beeping. His sleepy looking eyes opened and blinked, then he laughed as Maccachin crawled onto his back and began vigorously licking the side of his face in greeting.

“What are you doing?” he laughed, trying to sit up, only to be pushed over and licked more, “Silly dog!”

He turned and Macca rolled onto his back, barking and wiggling while Victor rubbed his belly and scratched him under the chin.

“Did you have sweet dreams, Maccachin?” he asked, continuing to caress the happily nuzzling poodle, “Mine were so good that I don’t know if I wanted to wake up.”

_The dreams were good anyway, and very happy. The only kind of sad part was that, while I dreamed of my child, I also dreamed of us being a family…the three of us. I know it isn’t going to happen, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing it could somehow be._

_If only Yuuri could have accepted this._

He bit his lip gently, looking regretfully down at his belly.

_If he could have accepted me…us._

He pushed the thought away and looked down into his old poodle’s large, friendly eyes.

“Come on, silly dog,” Victor said, climbing out of the bed, “Enough daydreaming. We have things to do today.”

A laugh escaped him as his stomach rumbled noisily.

“Hmm, better get some breakfast, eh? The little one is hungry!”

He dressed hastily, then hurried to the kitchen, where rifled through the refrigerator, grabbing several things that he set out on the counter.

“I’m starving already!” he complained as he first put down food for the old poodle, who immediately began devouring it, “I don’t even want to wait for toast.”

Sighing impatiently, he ate the bread plain and followed it up with warmed leftovers from the night before, then several pieces of fresh fruit and a cup of decaffeinated tea. Finally sated, he pushed away from the table and headed for the front door, grabbing his skater bag and throwing it over his shoulder.

“Come, Maccachin!” he called out, pausing to choose music to listen to on his cell phone and putting the earbuds into his ears.

He set out at a jog, heading down the street, then through the park near his home and over the bridge.

_Hmm, thank goodness I’m early this morning. That little brat, Yuri, isn’t here. I can skate in peace._

He quickened his pace, glancing back to make sure that the old poodle was still with him, and the two reached the ice rink, still well ahead of the junior champion.

“Morning Katina!” he called out cheerfully as he caught the young woman heading for the door.

“Good morning, Vitya,” Katina giggled, “You’re early.”

“Mmhmm, so are you,” Victor replied, noticing the delicious looking pastry the rink attendant was carrying.

Katina giggled again and broke off half, handing it to him.

“There,” she laughed, “I saw you ogling it.”

“Oh, you are an angel!” Victor said, accepting the pastry and starting on it right away.

“What’s the matter? You didn’t eat breakfast?” Katina asked playfully.

Victor shrugged.

“Eating for two?” he joked, smirking at the hidden truth in the words.

“You must be,” the young woman answered, looking amused.

“Say, Katina,” Victor said, glancing over his shoulder to be sure that Yuri was not anywhere to be seen, “would you do me a favor?”

“Anything for you, Vitya,” Katina assured him, “What do you need? More pastry? A date? A wife and children? I’m yours, of course.”

“Oh, it’s kind of boring, compared to that,” Victor snickered, “I just want you to keep Yuri out of the rink for about a half hour so I can warm up without him annoying me. I know it might be a lot to ask…”

Katina gave him a sly look.

“Leave it to me. I’ve got this.”

Still laughing to himself, Victor hurried inside and changed quickly into his skates. He only slowed as he stepped onto the ice and he closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in slowly and waiting for a song to start playing in his head.

_Each time I come here. Each time I step out onto the ice…with the lights still off and only some natural light coming in from outside, I let my emotions come to the surface and a song will usually come into my head that has the feeling I want._

He smiled approvingly as a song popped into his head and he quickly looked it up on his playlist.

_A Million Dreams…that is what I feel my future is._

He drew in a long, slow breath and let it out again as he skated to the center of the rink and the music began to play.

_And it is not just my future, but this child’s too. This may not have happened at the time I would have chosen, and it may not have happened exactly as I would have wanted, but given this honor of holding a child’s life in my hands, I want to do what I wish my parents had done for me._

Although his ocean colored eyes remained open, they went hazy and took on a dreamy look as he pushed out and spun, then turned and began to gather speed.

_I know what it feels like to have been thrown away, so I refuse to throw away my own child. I know what it feels like to be lonely and sad, so I will let my child know that he or she is never alone and never unloved. I will give to my child the love I was denied, care for them as a parent should._

His slender body swiftly enslaved by the music he was hearing, swayed in time as he skated, and his arms reached out gracefully, then pulled in again as he made a few more turns and threw himself into the air.

_I will teach my child that the obstacles we face are nothing but a challenge that motivates us to learn to fly!_

He felt a burst of intense happiness at the sound his skates made as they came down onto the ice again and he danced into a long spin, before turning out and gliding across the ice.

_I wonder…_

He skated backwards in a zigzag motion, turning slowly as a bright image began to fill his mind.

_He stepped onto the ice, and he was sure that he had come to the rink alone, but as he moved forward, a small hand slipped into his and a pair of bright blue eyes looked up at him. His feet came to a sudden stop and the little dark-haired girl with him lost her grip and started to fall._

_“Whoa!” he gasped, sweeping her up and swinging her around as he turned and looked happily into her eyes._

_“Daddy!” she scolded him playfully._

_“Dance with me, solnyshko!” he laughed, holding the wiggling child against him._

_“Daddy!”_

_“Hold on!”_

_He swept across the ice, lifting the girl over his head as she held onto his hands and squealed…a sound filled with mingled excitement and a little edge of fear._

_“It’s okay,” he reassured her, “You won’t fall. I’m going to spin us.”_

_“Oh, I don’t know…”_

_“Hang on.”_

_Still holding the girl over his head, he made a little hop into a measured spin. The little girl’s face lit brightly and she let go of his gripping hands and spread her arms out._

_“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!”_

_He brought her down, then turned her in his arms so that she was facing him. He held her on one arm, placing the other in a dance position as they soared across the ice again._

_“You are a lovely dancer,” he complimented her, laughing at the skeptical look she gave him._

_“My feet aren’t even on the ice, Daddy. It’s you who’s dancing, not me.”_

_“Well, there’s only one way to fix that,” he replied, lowering her carefully and setting her on her feet._

_He held onto her hands, skating forward as she skated backwards, looking up at him and grinning widely._

_“You’re skating now, aren’t you?”_

_“You’re pushing me. I can do it myself.”_

_“I know you can,” he assured her, “I just like to dance with you. Give an old man a little bit of happiness, okay? You’ve got plenty of time to grow up and run off and leave me behind.”_

_“Daddy!” she laughed, freeing her hands and turning away._

_And oddly, as she moved away, she seemed to grow, and her turns and spins and jumps became more and more impressive. So enchanted, he barely noticed his own feet slowing, then his skates disappearing altogether. Until he was no longer on the ice, but only watching as she skated to music all her own._

“Vitya.”

Yakov’s surprised voice brought Victor out of his reverie, and he found himself sliding to a stop in front of his wide-eyed coach, who stood alongside an equally enthralled Yuri and Mila.

“What was that?” his coach asked, tilting his head thoughtfully, “If that was for next season, you should develop it.”

“If that’s what he’s doing for next season, I think he’s going to win another gold at worlds,” Mila breathed, shaking her head.

For once, Yuri seemed unable to say anything.

“Hey Yakov,” Victor said suddenly, “You know, I have some things to do today, so I came early and practiced a bit already. I’m going to take the rest of the day off, okay?”

“Wh-what?” Yakov stammered as Victor skated to the exit and stepped off the ice.

He ignored his coach’s scolding as he changed back into his street shoes and he ran out of the ice rink with Maccachin following. He jogged all of the way home and hurried inside, stopping in the kitchen for a large sandwich before heading to the guest room that he had begun to alter in preparation for the baby he carried. He pushed the door open and smiled widely at the spectacle inside.

Lovely dark wood paneling gave the room a warm, comforting feeling and several shelves held soft plush animals, several of them poodles. The mobile over the wooden crib was also adorned with poodles.

_I hope you will like dogs._

He tried to imagine the little baby lying there, gazing up through bright eyes at the poodles as the tinkling music played.

_I can’t wait for this._

He made his way around the room, dusting even though the room didn’t need it, then vacuuming the carpet. Victor heard his cell phone ringing and he paused in his cleaning, brushing his messy bangs back as he glared at the offending device and checked the screen.

“Yakov,” he sighed, reaching down to rub his belly, then he smirked and answered aloud in singsong without picking up the phone, “I told you I need the rest of the day off today.”

He tried not to think about the doctor’s appointment he’d had the day before.

_“Is there something wrong?” he asked anxiously as his physician looked carefully over the results of his latest blood and urine tests._

_“No,” the doctor answered, looking up from the papers, “I was just making sure everything looked normal, and it does. I do want to remind you of what I told you before…that there is a higher rate of miscarriage and a higher death rate for male omegas.”_

_“But I thought that the greatest danger from that was in the first trimester and I’m at the end of that, right?” he inquired._

_“That is true,” the doctor affirmed, “You do have everything going for you. You are young and very healthy. You have come through the past weeks successfully and your results look fine. I do worry, of course, about you competing at the world championships, not so much because a fall might hurt the baby, but because you might be more prone to falling and to injury because of the changes in your body. Vitya, I think that you need to at very least tell Yakov that you are with child.”_

_“I will tell him. I’m just not ready. You don’t know how up in arms he’d be, and he might tell me not to compete or something, when I’ve seen you and you’ve said that I’m fine. What good would it do to worry him? I’m not going to keep it from him much longer. I promise you, after worlds, I am going to tell him.”_

_“That is good,” the doctor said, smiling at his stubborn patient, “because as I’ve also told you, while the risk of miscarriage will decrease, the risk to you is greater in the later…”_

_“Can’t you just let me have one minute of feeling good?” Victor complained, “You know, like a second of thinking that everything will just be okay? All you ever seem to talk about are the risks and the bad things. You know, I’m happy that I’m pregnant now, and I want to enjoy the experience. I love how it feels when the baby makes me have that bubbly feeling inside and how it gives me hunger pangs and funny urges to clean everything and buy things for the baby!”_

_The doctor smiled and held up his hands defensively._

_“I’m sorry,” he chuckled, “I do want you to enjoy your pregnancy and the birth of your child. I just also feel obligated to make you aware of things that could happen, so that you can be prepared if they should.”_

“Everybody has to be a killjoy,” Victor sighed, reaching under his shirt to stroke his belly tenderly, “You see why I don’t want to say anything until after worlds? No one would leave us alone and we couldn’t have all of this quality time with me eating everything in sight, and cleaning and making up your nursery.”

He looked around the newly remodeled and decorated bedroom.

“Of course, I’ve gained weight and had to take my costumes out secretly without Yakov or anyone noticing.”

He paused and looked sheepishly down at his belly.

“At least, I _think_ no one’s noticed. I was lucky to have chosen costumes that hide that pretty well.”

He looked around the finished nursery and gave a little, weary nod.

“Okay, time to eat again,” he chuckled.

He turned out of the room and started towards the kitchen, only to pause a moment later, grunting and grimacing as an odd pain radiated through his insides, making his head spin for a long moment as he tried to breathe through the sensation.

“Oh…”

The pain faded swiftly, and although he moved his body experimentally, it seemed not to return. Victor sighed and shook his head as a hunger pang made his stomach rumble loudly.

“All right,” he laughed, still a tad weakly, “I guess it’s time to stop cleaning and eat.”

The pain didn’t return, even during the rest of the day, and by evening when he showered, dressed in his pajamas and laid down with Maccachin, he forgot about the matter entirely.

XXXXXXXXXX

Phichit smiled and extended the hand holding his soda, tapping it lightly against the one Yuuri held, then the two raised their soda cans and tipped them to drink deeply.

“Ah,” the Thai skater sighed, “I’m going to miss living with you, Yuuri. It’s been fun being roommates. I wish you didn’t have to go back to Japan. You know, it’s still not too late to change your mind and continue with Coach Celestino. He really believes you can qualify again, for next year’s Grand Prix Final.”

“Hmm…yeah, I know,” Yuuri answered, looking down through the hole in the top of his soda can and observing the dark, bubbly liquid, “and I haven’t said that I’m going to quit. I could still decide to come back. I just need some time to think it all over. I was reconsidering, but then I tanked in the nationals, after the Grand Prix Final and…”

“I know you were disappointed, but I think you can do it too. But, I understand if you want to take some time to think it over. It’s a big commitment.”

“And a lot of money,” Yuuri said, his head bowing further, “I just can’t keep costing my family so much money when I’m not even qualifying for the major competitions. If this is a slump, I need to do something to get out of it. I don’t know if that means a change in my training rink or coach, or if there’s even anything at all I can do.”

“Don’t give up, okay?” Phichit said, laying a reassuring hand on his friend’s shoulder, “You can do it, Yuuri. I know you can…and you will. Do what you’ve got to do and keep in touch, okay? I want to hear all about things in Japan.”

“And I want to hear all about the things you’re up to also,” Yuuri replied, managing a little genuine smile, “because I’m going to miss living with you too. You’re a good friend.”

“You’re the best friend I have,” Phichit chuckled, pulling Yuuri into a warm hug that left the Japanese skater blushing cutely.

“Thanks, Phichit…for the encouragement and for being my best friend too. I promise you, I’ll try to find a way not to have to quit. I love skating. It’s just been hard lately because I’ve been in a slump. I’ll go home, rest a little, then I’ll figure out what I need to do to fix things.”

“I know you will,” Phichit said, pulling back to look into his eyes, “We’re still going to the Grand Prix Finals together, Yuuri. It’s gonna happen.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri answered in a half-hearted tone as he set his soda can in the recycling bucket and stood.

He picked up his skater bag and put it over his shoulder, then took hold of his suitcase, heading for the door, where he paused and looked back at his best friend again.

“Goodbye, Phichit,” he said softly.

“Bye Yuuri. Come back soon.”

“I’ll try,” Yuuri promised, “I really will.”


	9. Night Under the Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Yuuri flies towards Japan, Victor performs his short program at the world championships.

Victor felt a little nudge on his arm and opened his eyes to look out the airplane window. Tokyo’s welcoming lights stretched out for miles, creating a brightly twinkling welcome mat as the jet descended, heading for the runway at the bustling city’s airport.

“We’re here already?” he mused.

“Hmph,” Yakov grunted, “When you weren’t eating everything on board, you were sleeping like a log. I’m not surprised it seemed fast to you.”

Victor chuckled, then indulged in a long, slow stretch that ended in a happy, relaxed sigh.

“I’m glad we’re here. It’s close to dinnertime, _da_?”

“You eat like a goddamned pig, Victor!” Yuri complained loudly, kicking the back of his teammate’s seat, “I’m surprised you can get your fat ass off the ground for the jumps.”

Victor gave Yakov a side eyed look of forced patience.

“Looks like the baby’s up, Papa,” he joked, “Better find his baby bottle.”

He peeked over the back of his seat at the junior skater.

“You know, fat ass or not, I still jump higher than you do,” he giggled.

He turned to face front as Yuri growled out another insult and kicked the back of his seat again. His eyes softened slightly and he looked out the window, watching the dark shapes below get slowly bigger as the plane descended.

“At least for a little longer,” he whispered under his breath, “little shit.”

_Although, the way things are looking, this could be my last time skating at worlds. I feel good physically, and my training has gone well…better than ever, actually. So…why is it that it feels so heavy, this weight on my mind? This weight on my heart? I’ve broken new ground again this year in the sport and there’s no doubt that I’m going to be remembered._

_Why does that feel like a cold comfort?_

He reached down to rub the small, carefully hidden rounding on his abdomen.

_I’m afraid of what will happen after this competition. I know I will have to tell Yakov about the baby, and I don’t know what will happen then. Will we be able to still keep my being an omega a secret? How will we explain the baby? Should I make up some kind of story about adoption or something? But if I do that, there’s always the chance of people finding out that the story is not true. I don’t want anyone to know._

_But…what if Yuuri hears about the baby…and figures out the baby is his?_

_He knows now that I’m an omega, and he bit me, so if the baby comes out of my body now, it has to be his. No one else can impregnate a bitten and claimed omega. I suppose, though, that since he was disgusted with me being an omega, he might not want to claim his child. But if he does want the baby…_

Victor swallowed hard and shivered.

_To oppose him would bring on a very loud public battle that would certainly expose what I am and probably ruin my career. I don’t want that!_

He felt the bump and rumble of the jet touching down and breathed slowly to calm his racing heart and rampant thoughts.

_Stop it._

_One thing at a time._

_One day, one hour, one minute, one second…be calm._

He forced a relaxed smile as the plane came to a stop and the passengers unfastened their seatbelts and rose to remove their belongings from the overhead compartments. Victor started to stand, then felt a painful throb in his abdomen and bent forward, holding his belly and breathing through the jarring sensation.

“What is it, Vitya?” Yakov asked, noting his student’s paler than usual face, “Are you all right?”

“F-fine,” Victor lied, managing a wavering smile as he straightened.

“You don’t look fine,” Yuri said sullenly, “You look like shit.”

“I just got up too quickly after sitting for a long time,” Victor reasoned.

_Yes, that must be it._

Victor followed Yakov silently, ignoring Yuri’s incessant ramblings as the three left the plane and went to the baggage claim to collect their suitcases. As they approached the exit leading to where a car waited for them, Victor donned a more suitable and charming smile, and he slipped his sunglasses out of his pocket. He put them on as they reached the door and moved closer to Yakov’s side for the walk between the crowds of skating fans who lined the sides of the walkway. Victor waited for the perfect moment, then he swept his glasses off and gave his swooning fans a roguish wink, earning a chorus of squeals and shuddering sighs as he passed them.

“Showoff,” Yuri huffed, rolling his eyes.

They climbed into the waiting vehicle, which carried them a short distance, then deposited them in front of the hotel where they would be staying during the competition. Yakov led the two skaters to the front desk to check in.

“Can we go to dinner soon, Yakov?” Victor asked, rubbing his rumbling stomach, “I’m so hungry!”

“Oh my god, do you _ever_ stop eating?” Yuri scoffed.

Victor gave him a little smirk.

“Better be sure that wherever we go they have crayons and coloring books for the little boy,” he teased.

“Shut _up_!” Yuri steamed.

“Both of you be quiet!” Yakov snapped at the two.

He turned his back and began to talk to the hotel desk clerk. Yuri shot the elder Russian skater a scathing look and ignored him as their coach checked them in, then handed them their keys.

“We’ll go clean up, then we can meet to go to dinner,” he said gruffly, “Georgi and Mila are already here and will be joining us.”

“Great!” Victor said enthusiastically, “Let’s hurry up and go.”

His stomach continued to complain until the group had met and found their way to a crowded restaurant.

“Looks like Vitya’s hungry tonight,” Mila giggled, watching Victor dig into his meal.

“I think he ordered one of everything on the menu,” Georgi snorted, “I guess you’re not worried too much about the competition…”

“Heh,” Victor chuckled, “I thought I’d give myself a little handicap, so it wouldn’t be too bad for them.”

He giggled and gave Georgi a little teasing wink.

“Oh, sorry, I forgot you were competing,” he snickered.

“Very funny,” Georgi said, good naturedly, “Are you going to drink with me tonight? This _good boy_ routine you’ve got going is amusing to a point, but I want to get drunk.”

“It’s better for you not to drink before a competition,” Yakov said shortly, giving Victor a reprieve from having to answer.

“You usually drink like a fish,” Yuri added, frowning, “Is your stomach still bothering you from earlier or are you just leaving room to pile in more food?”

“Did they forget to give you those crayons and a coloring book?” Victor asked, tilting his head to the side, “I can call our server…”

“Eat shit!”

“Vitya! Yuri! Shut it!” Yakov snarled, “Eat your food so we can go back to the hotel. It’s getting late, and the restaurants don’t stay open as long here.”

He motioned to the server.

“Is there something you need, sir?” the young woman asked.

“Asahi Dry,” Yakov sighed, “No wait, bring me two…”

XXXXXXXXXX

Yuuri sighed and picked at the meal in front of him as the jumbo jet carried him back towards the home he hadn’t seen in five years. He flinched inwardly at the thought of what everyone in Hasetsu must think of him for losing, not only at the Grand Prix Final, but crashing so hard at nationals that he hadn’t even qualified for the Four Continents or for worlds.

_I didn’t have to think about all of this while I was finishing up my degree at the university in Detroit, so I was able to put it off. But I have plenty of time to do that now. The truth is, I don’t think I could sink any lower if I tried._

_Damn…what do I do?_

He tried looking out the window of the plane, but found only drifting gray clouds.

_How do I overcome this? Or do I overcome it? Should I just quit now? Should I try finding a new coach? But who could believe in me after I’ve done so poorly?_

He noticed a splash of red color on the viewing screen in front of him and blinked, turning his attention to the monitor.

“Victor?” he whispered, looking at the clip of the handsome Russian and scrabbling with his hands to get the earbuds he had been given, into his ears.

“…arriving for the World Figure Skating Championships in Tokyo, was the Russian skating team, including none other than Victor Nikiforov!”

Yuuri made a little sound of distress, staring helplessly as Victor seemed to smile right at him, then gave a knee weakening wink that set his heart fluttering.

“Nikiforov will be going for his fifth consecutive win at the world championships. Can he do it? Be sure to watch.”

_Because of the length of this flight, I won’t be home in time to see it, but I’m sure that Victor will win. I’ll have to watch the replay after I get to Hasetsu. I should be able to watch the free skate._

He sighed and leaned back, closing his eyes and trying to think about anything but skating. Focusing on his breathing, he was able to clear his mind enough to drop off as the jet continued on its way across the ocean. As he slept, Victor appeared in his dreams, a lovely, ethereal specter, dancing so beautifully and so perfectly that Yuuri’s breath seemed to freeze in his chest. Completely enchanted, he seemed to float somewhere in the air above the Tokyo arena where Victor worked his unrelenting magic on the people there.

XXXXXXXXXX

Dressed in a stunning costume of deep navy, touched all over with little, glinting silver adornments, Victor carefully warmed up his body and stretched his muscles in preparation for the performance of his short program. Still in his street shoes in the warm up area, he went through the steps as Yakov answered questions for a Japanese news crew, while he watched his top skater out of the corner of his eye. Victor finished his warm up and turned his body slightly away, hiding how one hand slid down and he looked down at his belly, smiling.

_I would feel lonely and really sad, being here and performing…coping with how my motivation has been such a problem lately, but I can’t be really sad with you here, little one. I can’t really feel lonely. I have you, my little secret from all of the world. Tonight, I will dance for you. And tomorrow. It will be the last time we perform with you still inside me. But…someday, little one, someday, you and I will dance together on the ice._

He paused, still looking down at his belly, his hazy blue-green eyes blinking slowly.

_Yuuri, maybe you couldn’t accept me being an omega, but even if that is true, you still gave me the most beautiful gift ever. You might not be able to see me as your idol, like you once did, but our child will. Maybe there will be times when we will disagree and our child will rebel, but we will make a beautiful family, all our own, and I know that we’ll be happy._

_Maybe…someday, Yuuri, you can forgive me for lying to hide this side of me that no one wants. Maybe you’ll be able to look past what I am and accept me…if only for the sake of this little one. As much as I disgust you, I hope that if you ever learn about our baby, that you don’t think of him or her that way._

Victor’s smile warmed beautifully as he felt a tiny movement inside that felt like a sweet, bubbling tickle.

“Oh, hello,” he whispered, “I felt that.”

“Vitya?”

The Russian champion’s breath caught and he flushed slightly as he turned back to face his coach.

“Sorry, Yakov, what did you say?” he asked, tilting his head, “I missed that.”

“I asked if you were planning to stand there, daydreaming, or if you were going to compete tonight. You’re up next. Come on, now.”

“Right,” Victor said, shooting another little secret smile at his belly.

He moved into position at the side of the rink entrance as the previous skater bowed to the audience and little children skated out to pick up the stuffed animals and flowers thrown out onto the ice.

_Here we are, little one…your first worlds competition. Pay close attention to Daddy. I am going to show you why the ice is such a wonderful place. This is our playground…here in the chill air, where the ground under our feet is slippery, but rather than falling, we learn to glide. Then…we learn to fly!_

“Our next skater,” said one announcer, “is Victor Nikiforov of Russia. Nikiforov is heavily favorited here to make this his fifth consecutive world championship win. His program, tonight, as his costume suggests, is themed, _Night Under the Stars_. Nikiforov has said that this is a prelude to his enchanting free skate, _Stay Close to Me_.”

“You can see already, as he takes the ice,” said a second announcer, “this crowd is also expecting Victor to give a masterful performance.”

“He’s been skating very consistently all year. I wonder how things will go tonight.”

Victor took up his opening position, closing his eyes as he waited for the music to start.

_I feel you with me, little one. This place, this time with you is precious, and even when the music ends and it is over, I will remember. When you are born and you are here with me, I will tell you the story a million times, until you roll your eyes at me for saying the words and until you repeat it back to me so that I know that you have memorized every word. And someday, when I’m gone and you’re missing me, you can think back to this day and know that it was something well worth remembering and passing on…this day…our worlds together!_

He barely realized when his body began to move.

_My body feels so light, almost weightless!_

He could feel that electricity in the air around him that told him that he had the crowd, and he could feel their bewitched eyes following his every move.

_I feel you there inside me, and it make all of the heaviness go away. I really do feel the magic of this night under the stars with you._

He didn’t have to hear the commentators to know what they were saying to the people watching the performance from home.

“You know, Morooka, I’ve been watching him develop this short program all season. He seemed to be struggling, not with the technical elements, but to capture and relay the intense emotion that comes through in the music, but that is not a problem at all tonight!”

“I have to agree. There is something very different in this program. I don’t know if it’s in his expressions, if he changed some of the steps, or if he is just very in tune with the music tonight, but he is delivering a performance that is likely to bring him close, if not to _another_ short program record. _Look_ at the height on that quad flip!”

“It’s like seeing a much younger Victor Nikiorov. It’s truly amazing!”

“It is,” Morooka agreed, “but then, we all know that the one thing we can count on with this skater is that he will always find new ways to surprise and captivate. This is the quintessential Nikiforov!”

Out on the ice, Victor threw his body into the air, spinning, then dropping into a perfect landing before flying into a breathtaking spin combination.

_This is our own little bit of heaven, little one, da? Being here with you makes me so very happy! For maybe the first time in my life, I am glad to be an omega, because it means that I get to hold you inside my body and share with you my love for the ice. For just this little bit of time, I can forget everything else, I can stop hating what I am, and I can be truly grateful._

_I am grateful._

_I don’t want it to end._

_Did the music stop?_

_It got quiet._

He found himself quite suddenly, caught in the breathless moment between the last notes of music and the beginning of the audience’s reaction. Then shouts and squeals and loud clapping filled the air, turning into a delighted roar as Victor bowed in each direction, waving and smiling at the happy crowd. He started towards the kiss and cry, then almost tripped over his own feet as he spotted Yakov Feltsman waiting for him and wiping away actual tears.

“Yakov?” he mused, “did something bad happen?”

He made a little yelp of surprise as the old man’s arms wrapped around him, shaking as they hugged him tightly.

“ _Vitya_! That was…it was _perfect_!”

The two sat down in the kiss and cry, and Victor focused his attention on the replay as they waited for his score.

_I see it._

_I see you there, inspiring my every move._

_It will be a new high score, and I’ll always say that you are the reason I flew so high. I feel you so close to me now, little one. And every day from now on, you’ll get closer._

_I just can’t wait…for the moment I get to look into your eyes for the first time!_

Victor heard the thunderous roar as his score flashed onto the display and he stood, waving and blowing kisses.

_Thank you, little one._

_Thank you for today._


	10. Yume

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri dance Stammi Vicino apart, yet together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - This chapter contains an event that may be triggering for some. I've been careful to foreshadow this, but was advised to place a warning on the chapter as well. Rest assured that although this part of the story will have some darkness, both Yuuri and Victor are about to grow exponentially as separate people, and once they meet, they will finally be able to bond as a couple and grow even more together.

As he stepped off of the plane and started towards the baggage claim, Yuuri was sure that each step felt heavier and harder to take. The feelings of disgrace that he has been able to push away while finishing his college degree in Detroit came roaring back as he spotted the banners all over the station that showed off his picture and wished him luck. His heart sank further and his anxiety spiked as he heard Minako’s enthusiastic greeting and realized that there was no turning back. He couldn’t change his mind now and just get on another plane to escape.

_I’m home._

Hasetsu had always been a safe place, a place filled with kind, supportive people who encouraged and cheered for him as he trained and competed. He knew very well that his family would love him no matter what happened, on or off the ice. He had friends who would stick by him. But for some reason he couldn’t fathom, none of that seemed to reach him through the haze of failure that left him filled with regret at disappointing them.

Minako prattled on and chided him for his behavior. His mother smiled and greeted him as warmly as ever. Toshiya wasted no time in offering him his favorite dinner, and Mari, who seemed the most aware of his state of mind, encouraged him and suggested a soak in the hot spring.

_Everything is the same as I left it, five years ago, but I know I’m different. I don’t feel like I deserve to be treated like some kind of hero. I’ve not been that. Not at all. I feel like I’ve let them all down. I’ve let myself down. All of the hours, the days, the months and the years I’ve spent training were for what?_

He found himself suddenly standing in the dining area, his eyes glued to the TV screen where Victor Nikiforov, his reason for, well, _everything_ , was running through the moves for his free skate, looking beautiful and full of confidence.

_He’s going to win. I heard that he set another record in his short program. I wonder how he manages to stay so calm. Maybe it’s that he finds winning easy. There really isn’t anyone who can challenge him, at this point. Strangely, the only time I’ve ever seen Victor not look happy in public…was when someone pointed that out to him. Even then, his smile only left him for a moment. Then, it came back in full force and he said, quite charmingly, “You never know. That is the nature of surprises, isn’t it?”_

“Are you going to sit down?” Minako asked impatiently, “It’s going to start soon.”

He was sure that he meant to move forward to join her and watch, but all of a sudden, he felt a knot in his throat and a jolt in his chest as his anxiety flared. He just couldn’t sit and watch the competition that was supposed to be the place he could really have shown Victor his gratitude for the years of inspiration.

_It’s too much!_

Instead, he turned and grabbed his backpack, then he dashed out the back of the inn.

“Where are you going?” his mother called after him, “You just got here and now you’re leaving again?”

“Erm, I just need to get in a little practice!” he called out.

He barely heard and forced out a breathless answer to whatever she said next. Then, his feet were running and he was headed in the same direction he always ran when he was at home and his anxiety shot through the roof.

_Though, I don’t know why I’m so riled. I should be sitting there, watching Victor put in another flawless performance. Is it maybe because, now that I’ve seen him perform up close and in person, just seeing him on TV isn’t enough anymore?_

_No…_

_It’s that when I see him on TV, I start thinking again about how I had my chance to show Victor my gratitude for all that I learned from him. But there, in front of his eyes, I could barely breathe! And when I tried to skate, I just fell…again and again. I didn’t show Victor anything he wanted to see. It was complete and utter humiliation. It felt so bad that I got stinking drunk that night at the banquet and I left as soon as I could the next morning. All that I wanted was to put that failure behind me. I was running away…_

_…but where am I going?_

He reached Ice Castle Hasetsu and his feet stopped.

_I didn’t even stop to wonder if anyone would be here or if it would be okay to skate. I’ve been gone for five years and Yuuko’s got the triplets now._

He was relieved to see that the lights were on, and just as always, Yuuko was working in the front of the rink, behind the desk.

“Ah, excuse me…” he began awkwardly.

“Sorry, we’re closed,” she called out, pausing to look at him.

Her breath caught as she realized.

“Yuuri, is that you?”

Yuuri relaxed as she greeted him enthusiastically, and in moments, he was putting on his skates and moving out, onto the ice, unaware of the three snickering girls, who hid a short distance away, phone cameras ready. At first, it seemed to just be boring adults talking, but several minutes in, Yuuko came out of the office and met Yuuri at the ice rink wall, unaware that on the TV screen in the office, behind her, Victor was skating out onto the ice to begin his free skate. Neither she, nor Yuuri, nor the softly giggling girls noticed that Victor’s music on the television started in perfect sync with the music in the ice rink.

XXXXXXXXXX

 _It feels really different somehow tonight_ , Victor mused inwardly as he took a steadying breath, then gave Yakov a smile and a nod of acknowledgement and skated out to center ice, _At first, I thought that it was that you were here with me. I felt you with me during the short program and that was heavenly. But, this time…it’s almost like I can forget reality and imagine you, me and Yuuri as a family. I suppose that Stammi Vicino is truly about that secret, desperate, impossible desire. Yes, I can fully embrace that emotion, because it has transcended being just a program, and right now, it is the world I live in._

_Yes._

_At the core, I wish that I could give you that little family. That’s not to say that you and I won’t find our way. We will, somehow. It only means that I wish and for this moment, dream of something greater. I suppose that’s what all of my programs are about…that desire, that longing, that deep, underlying need for connection. Maybe I feel close to that emotion tonight because we’re in the land that gave life to your father, little one. And even though he’s not here with us, I still feel his presence, and I can imagine things being different…Yuuri being able to accept and love me…the three of us having our chance to be together._

_Let me tell you a secret, little one. Only the musician who composed Stammi Vicino and I know this tiny detail that make the song and program so real to me right now. Stammi Vicino is half of a duet. I told the composer to make it that way so that the song and my choreography would embody the sense that there should be a pair, a couple instead of just one dancer. The song was recorded with a single singer, then again with two voices, so that I could design the moves to feel as though there was supposed to be a second skater. When I dreamed all of this up, I had no idea who that other person would be. I just knew there should be another, and I tried to create a program that would inspire the audience to visualize this person who wasn’t even really there._

The music began and Victor moved to it easily.

_You see it, don’t you, little one? The turns in which you can almost see Yuuri’s arm supporting my body, the moves where his body would shadow mine. And this one male voice singing, but you can almost hear the second voice as a faint echo…distant, but still so present. This program is about love and it is about longing. It aches with passion and with pain, but it radiates that hope still burns. Stammi Vicino is the dream I have every night now when I sleep. I have no idea how it would ever come true, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing for it…dreaming of it._

Deep in his thoughts, Victor lost all awareness of the skating arena and the fans, his mind trapped in the beauty of being able to imagine Yuuri Katsuki feeling the same, making the moves with him, dreaming alongside him.

_I heard that I was Yuuri’s inspiration. I was the reason that he began to skate. It was my work, my programs, my love for the ice that gripped him and made him the skater he is. While it’s true that he crashed and burned quite badly at the Grand Prix Final, he showed such promise as a skater. I thought, at the time, it was a shame that he didn’t do better, but that he just needed to work on his nerves. I hope he does that. Maybe, if we meet again…_

_…ah, but this is just a dream…_

_We had our moment, and as beautiful as it was, and as much as I wish it could have come out differently, as much as I dream of circumstances being different, in the end, I am here alone with just you, and that lovely boy who danced into my life for one day is…I don’t know where._

_I wonder if he is watching._

_Does he regret dancing with me that night? Does he wish he hadn’t learned I am an omega? Does he wish now that he could go back and erase everything? What is Yuuri Katsuki thinking of right now?_

For one moment, as he entered the final combination spin, he recalled how it had felt to be held in Yuuri’s arms during their dance. He imagined it in all of its enchanting detail until he could feel that sensation again. But as he struck his final pose and the music ended, all illusions shattered, and Victor found himself alone on the ice.

The roar of the audience and the approving look on Yakov’s usually stern face told him that he had done well. But even the applause seemed empty somehow.

_It’s almost as if the love that my fans are sending just isn’t reaching me. I usually feel almost euphoric at the end of a competition, and setting a record with five straight world championships should make it even more so, but…_

He bowed and started to turn, then a sharp pain through his abdomen made his breath catch and his jaw clench and a cold sweat broke out on his face. He was careful to hide any strong reaction as he started towards the kiss and cry, but he could see Yakov had spotted something.

_You don’t know someone as long as he has known me, and not recognize that something is wrong. He knows I’m in some kind of distress. I think I’ve put things off for long enough. I have to tell him. Ugh…but there’s an interview and a banquet tonight. Okay then, when that’s over. I will tell him tonight._

“What is it, Vitya?” Yakov asked, angling himself and keeping his voice down so that no one would see, “You went all white.”

“Ah…it was like that pain when I got up too quickly on the plane,” Victor whispered, “It went away that time, so…”

“We’ll see the medic after your scores are announced,” Yakov said sternly.

“But I…”

“We will see the medic right away,” his coach insisted.

“Okay,” Victor agreed, “but there’s an interview.”

“Do you feel well enough for that?”

“I do, but I will go to the medic right after,” Victor promised, “And Yakov, I have to talk to you about something.”

Before he could go on, his scores posted and the roar of the crowd drowned out any further words. It seemed that after, everything happened in a haze. Victor wore a bright, happy smile through the medal ceremony and the press conference after, but an odd ache still seemed to pulsate in his lower abdomen. He barely heard the reporters’ questions and he had no idea if he was still making sense. His mind stubbornly focused on getting away and lying down, breathing slowly and making the ache and the feeling of light-headedness go away.

 _I’ll not go to the banquet tonight_ , he decided as the interview ended and he looked around for Yakov.

“Let’s go, Vitya,” his coach said, appearing quite suddenly at his side.

Victor made his way through the throng of squealing fans, holding onto a smile until they reached the waiting car outside the crowded venue. He bent to climb into the limousine, then stiffened and made a low, guttural sound of pain and distress as the pain returned and sharpened.

“Oh god!” he gasped.

“Vitya?”

Victor crawled into the car and collapsed on the seat as Yakov practically landed on top of him and shouted at the driver.

“To the hospital emergency! Something is wrong.”

The car door slammed and the limo pulled away from the curb as the old Russian coach leaned over Victor, taking the younger man’s hand in his.

“Vitya, tell me what’s happening,” he said urgently, “I know you had this pain before.”

Victor bit at his lips, managing short, panting breaths.

“It…It wasn’t ever this bad before,” he managed in a stricken voice, “I th-thought it was normal. My doctor s-said…”

He broke off, panting harder as the pain intensified.

“There’s something I have to tell you,” he went on, looking up into the older man’s concerned eyes, “Yakov, I’m sorry. I should have told you before, b-but I was…I didn’t know how to deal with it myself.”

“Deal with what, Vitya? What is happening to you?”

“I am pregnant,” Victor half-sobbed, “That night of the Grand Prix Final banquet, when Yuuri was with me, he made me pregnant.”

“You are…?” Yakov growled, his eyes flashing with fury, “He…? I thought that you told me you asked him to wear a condom!”

“I did!” Victor insisted, “But I don’t know if he listened. I was too out of it after. When I realized, I saw a doctor, and he said that I could have the baby or have an abortion. He said that I was healthy enough to do it. I…I thought about it, but in the end, I couldn’t abort my own child, so I started seeing the doctor for prenatal visits. He said that I should talk to you, but he also said that it wasn’t a problem to finish the season while pregnant. I was doing everything he said! I just…I should have told you, but…”

“Don’t worry about that now,” the old coach said, his anger draining away, “Just try to relax. We’ll be to the hospital soon.”

“Are you mad at me?” Victor asked shakily.

“I’ll be mad at you when I know you’re okay,” Yakov sighed, squeezing his hand, “Take some slow breaths and try to stay calm. We’ll be at the hospital soon.”

Victor faded in and out of awareness as waves of nausea and dizziness coupled with the radiating pain assaulted his shaking body. He caught only flashes of faces and echoing voices as he was removed from the car and wheeled into the emergency room.

“…is a pregnant omega,” Yakov’s voice said to someone as the bed he was on rattled down a long hallway, “He has a doctor in Russia. Yes, I know the name and have the contact information.”

“Mr. Nikiforov, can you hear me?”

“Y-yes.”

“I need you to sign…”

“I have his permission to sign for him,” Yakov interrupted.

The fast motion stopped and Yakov’s hand slipped out of his.

“Yakov!”

“He’s going to wait outside while we examine you,” a woman’s voice informed him.

“I’m going to start some IV fluids,” a man’s voice added, “You’ll just feel a little pinch.”

“Ugh…I hate needles.”

“Are you still feeling the pain, Victor?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s breathe through the pain together, okay?” the nurse directed him, “Breathe in slowly for as long as you can and exhale slowly.”

He took several breaths with the nurse, while the doctor quickly examined him.

“How long have you been having these pains?” he asked.

“Eh, about as long as I’ve been pregnant,” the Russian skater answered, “But, they’ve never been this bad. My doctor said that some pains were normal because of the hormones changing my body to prepare for the birth.”

“Yes, well, what seems to be happening is that your body is not handling the pregnancy well enough. As your doctor will have explained to you, as the pregnancy advances, a birth canal is supposed to slowly form, then open up during the delivery.”

“H-he told me that, yes,” Victor acknowledged, “But that’s not supposed to happen until later, right?”

“You’re right,” the doctor affirmed, “What’s happening is that something has gone wrong and the…”

The doctor broke off as Victor grunted in agony, then quivered and lost consciousness. The Russian skater wasn’t sure how long the darkness lasted, but as blood rushed in his ears and he heard the slower thumping of his heart inside his head, he felt Yakov’s hand holding his again.

“Yakov?”

“You are waking up?” Yakov said quickly, “Thank god. It’s been almost two days, Vitya!”

“I’ve been unconscious for…for how long?”

“You have been unconscious for two days,” said a female doctor who leaned over him from the other side, “It took awhile to stabilize you. You needed a blood transfusion.”

“It…h-hurts. It really hurts,” Victor groaned.

“I know. I’m going to give you something for that,” the doctor said soothingly.

“Oh, no needles, please!” Victor complained.

“It’s just going into the IV,” the doctor chuckled, “It won’t hurt.”

“Is it okay for the…the baby?” Victor asked as the medicine was added to his IV and very quickly, he started to drift off.

He didn’t hear an answer, but everything around him faded away swiftly. When he woke again, he could see out the window that it was nighttime, and that Yakov had fallen asleep holding Victor’s hand while sitting in a chair next to his hospital bed.

“He’s been there this whole time, watching over you,” a nurse said, entering the room and making her way to the bed, where she did a quick check of his vital signs.

As she finished, the female doctor from before returned and washed her hands, then came to join the nurse at Victor’s side. Yakov grunted and jumped awake.

“Victor,” said the doctor, “I didn’t get to properly introduce myself before. I am Doctor Saito. I specialize in treating omega male patients. I was called in to assist in your surgery.”

“M-my surgery?” Victor repeated, “I had surgery? But, what about the…?”

“The pain that you felt before arriving here was from the early separation of the tissues that part to allow the birth canal to open.”

“But it’s not time!” Victor said in a panicked tone, “That’s not supposed to happen until the end of the pregnancy! My doctor told me that!”

“That is true,” Doctor Saito affirmed, taking his free hand, “but, I’m sure your doctor also told you that the miscarriage rate for omega males is much higher than that of females.”

“But…but, I was _past twelve weeks_! I was in the second trimester. The rate of miscarriage was supposed to be lower!” Victor insisted.

“Lower, yes,” the doctor agreed, “but all omega pregnancies are risky.”

“That’s not…I _did_ everything I was told!” Victor shouted angrily, “I ate right and I took care of myself. Tell me what I did wrong.”

“You did nothing wrong,” the doctor assured him, “I’m sure you did everything possible to take care of yourself and your baby. But…sometimes, that just isn’t enough. Something goes wrong and there is nothing anyone can do. An early opening of the birth canal is dangerous. It causes heavy bleeding and destabilizes the pregnancy, so although the fetus was healthy, the pregnancy couldn’t continue.”

“The baby’s gone?” Victor asked, his face going white and his voice shaking, “Just like that?”

“I am sorry. I promise you, we did everything we could, but we were not able to save the baby.”

“I know you did, but I must not have done something right,” Victor said desperately, “Was it that I continued to train and compete?”

“No.”

“It must…I mean, there _has_ to be a reason!” Victor managed, choking on the words, “There has to be! What did I do wrong?”

“You didn’t do a thing wrong,” the doctor said firmly, looking into his teary eyes, “This is not your fault. It was an unforeseeable circumstance. I am so very sorry, Victor.”

She paused, waiting as Victor’s hands clenched for a long moment, quaking in the ones that held them. Then, with an effort, the skater composed himself.

“Okay,” he said numbly, “so what happens now? Am I…okay? Can I go home?”

“I want to keep you for one more night. We’ll discharge you in the morning.”

“No, I want to go home now,” Victor said in an oddly calm voice, “I can’t sleep in a place like this.”

“You need to do what she says,” Yakov chided him.

“Or what!” Victor snapped, “Or I’ll lose the baby? I think it’s too late for that!”

“You just had abdominal surgery, Victor,” the doctor explained, “We need to get you on your feet and make sure you are recovered enough before you leave.”

“F-fine,” Victor said sullenly, “in the morning, then.”

Doctor Saito nodded briefly.

“Victor, there is one more thing. It is…procedure, when an event like this happens, for us to remove and incinerate the contents of the birthing cavity. We…can keep some of the ashes and give them to you…for burial, if you want.”

“You…do that? You really do that, even though…?”

“It doesn’t matter that it was still too early,” Doctor Saito said quietly, “You lost your child, and part of your recovery is going to be physical, but part is going to be emotional. We believe that it is essential to acknowledge the bond you already had with your child.”

Victor stared at the doctor in silence for several long moments, then nodded.

“Thank you.”

“It’s the least we can do,” Doctor Saito said as she released his hand and stood, “Have you thought of a name for your baby?”

Victor looked down at his empty belly, blinking slowly.

“Do you know if it was a boy or a girl?” he asked solemnly.

“Your baby was a girl. Take your time thinking, if you want to. You can just tell the nurse when…”

“What is the Japanese word for _dream_?” Victor asked.

The doctor looked back at him sadly.

“ _Yume_.”

“Then, that is her name.”

“Of course,” the doctor said, “I will see that it is recorded.”

“Thank you.”

Victor watched silently as the doctor left, then he turned and buried his face in his coach’s shoulder and let the misery pour out silently.


	11. Shattered Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he prepares to leave the hospital and return to Russia, Victor receives a communication from Yuuri.

Victor rested silently in his hospital bed, barely hearing as his doctor and nurse reviewed his discharge instructions. Sitting near him, Yakov noticed the distant, broken look in his blue eyes and took to writing down the instructions for later.

“You are likely to have some pain in your abdominal area and blood will continue to leak through the opened birthing passage for up to a week. That structure will slowly close. That is supposed to happen, so you shouldn’t worry about it. I’ve prescribed some pain medication in case you become uncomfortable. You should get and move around, taking short walks and gradually making them longer. You are not to train physically for six months, as your body needs to heal fully. Call your doctor immediately if you develop a fever or have any unusual discharge or intense pain.”

Victor managed a small nod and the lady doctor slipped a hand into his.

“I want to assure you that you are going to make a full recovery, and when the time comes, you should be able to have children safely.”

“Why would I want to do that?” Victor asked numbly, “I was warned that the pregnancy was high risk. It seems silly to me now to have taken chances with my mental and physical health like this…”

“Vitya,” Yakov said warningly.

“It’s all right,” Doctor Saito said calmly, “Victor has suffered a difficult loss. I’ve forwarded my recommendations to his physician in Russia that Victor should receive counseling to…”

“I don’t need any counseling,” Victor said in a short, but quiet tone, meeting the doctor’s eyes squarely, “I was raised an orphan. I learned very quickly that it isn’t good to rely too much on someone else to do what is mine to do. I am not in denial, I know what happened to Yume and to me, and I have no trouble accepting the reality. It is horrible losing her, but it’s mine to handle.”

The doctor blinked in surprise.

“Victor, I understand what you are saying, I am just recommending that for your sake and also for the people around you who have suffered this loss too.”

“No one else suffered the loss,” Victor insisted, “I didn’t even tell anyone about the baby. Not even her father knows, so that isn’t an issue. I’ll handle this how I’ve handled every hard thing since I was a throwaway child. I’ll do it myself. It’s the only way I know.”

Doctor Saito caught the pained look that flashed on Yakov’s face and squeezed Victor’s hand comfortingly.

“I think even not knowing you for very long, I can already see that you haven’t been alone, Victor. Not in your life, and not in this.”

“But, I told you. I didn’t _tell_ anyone, not even Yakov and Lilia, who have been like parents to me.”

“You hadn’t told them _yet_ ,” the doctor corrected him, “But you explained to Yakov during this situation, and I am sure that as the people around you, the people who care about, learn about this, they will be suffering for you. I told you before that part of your healing is recognizing and acknowledging the loss of your child.”

“I know that Yume is gone. I don’t question that, and I’m not going to kill myself over it, so you don’t need to worry.”

“Vitya, she is just trying to help you. Don’t be stubborn.”

“I am just being honest,” Victor sighed, looking down at his aching abdomen, “I am strongest on my own, not leaning on anyone else. I’m just that way, and I don’t know how to be any other way. I am sorry. I don’t mean to be rude.”

“I’m sure you don’t,” Doctor Saito said, giving him a sad smile, “but I do hope that you will share this and allow yourself some time to grieve. Now, if you have any questions.”

“I don’t,” Victor replied in a tired voice, “You’ve explained things just fine, and I promise to take care of myself. I just really want to go home to Russia now.”

“Of course,” Doctor Saito said, releasing his hand and standing, “I will sign the discharge papers immediately so that you can go.”

“Thank you.”

Yakov waited as the doctor left, then he watched Victor turn to let his long legs down over the side of the bed. The Russian skater eased himself onto his feet, earning a quick reprimand.

“What are you doing?” the old coach asked,” You have to wait for the discharge papers and it could take awhile, you know.”

“I am just gathering my things.”

“Don’t bother. Just stay there and I’ll do it.”

He picked up Victor’s robe and a pair of pajamas.

“Here, put these on.”

“My pajamas? But, I’m going…”

“Yes, I know,” Yakov answered, “but you heard your doctor, didn’t you? She said to use non-binding clothing.”

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot.”

“Let me help you.”

“You don’t have to,” Victor objected.

“Shut up and be still,” Yakov gently scolded him as he helped the younger man slip out of the hospital garment and into his own soft pajamas, “You want to be comfortable for the flight home.”

“Thank you.”

Yakov grunted and finished with the tie at his student’s slim waist. Victor’s eyes scanned the room briefly and he spotted a little, colorful box among the numerous flower arrangements that had been sent to wish him well.

“Did you tell the nurse to send the flowers to someone who…”

“Yes, I donated them to a rehabilitation hospital for injured and sick children.”

“Thank you.”

Victor frowned and looked more closely at the little box among the flowers.

“What is that?”

“What is what?” Yakov inquired, frowning.

Victor moved closer and picked up the box.

“It hasn’t been opened. You don’t know what’s inside?”

“No.”

A card on the outside held a short note.

_Get well wishes from the staff of Yuutopia Katsuki, Hasetsu, Kyushu_

“Katsuki?” Victor breathed softly, his eyes widening and his hands shaking slightly as he untied the ribbon on the box and opened it.

XXXXXXXXXX

Yuuri charged into his bedroom, his wide, panicked eyes flicking around from place to place as he threw things out of drawers and rifled through his closet.

“Where is it? Where is it? Come on. It’s gotta be here _somewhere_!”

He dove under the bed, then dumped out the contents of his wastebasket.

“Where is it? Where did it go? Oh my god!” he moaned, “I know I left it right here!”

Mari looked in through the open door and watched for a moment as he brother continued to scatter his belongings everywhere, talking nervously to himself.

“Come on, come on!”

“Eh, what are you doing?” she asked finally, “Besides tearing your room apart and making a huge mess I’m not cleaning up.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll clean it up. I just have to find…”

“Find what? Did you lose something?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri panted, still looking around, “I was writing a note to Victor. You know, I heard that he was in the hospital in Tokyo.”

“Yeah,” Mari acknowledged, “I know. Mom and dad and I sent him a gift box, and I found your note and put it inside for him.”

“You WHAT?” Yuuri squawked, giving her a look of complete mortification, “But…but, I wasn’t done with it! Mari!”

“It’s fine,” his sister chuckled, waving him off as he sputtered and tripped over his words, “I saw that it was almost done, so I just added a closing and signed your name.”

“What did you add?” Yuuri demanded.

“I just added a little at the end inviting him to the inn if he’s ever in Hasetsu.”

“Oh man, no way! That sounds way too desperate! And how do you know he won’t notice the difference in our handwriting?”

“I can copy your handwriting,” Mari snickered, “I just scribble and it looks pretty much like yours.”

“What? Mari, that’s not true. I don’t scribble.”

“You do when you’re nervous.”

“But…there was more that I wanted to say.”

“Aw, I liked what was there. Victor will love getting a note like that from his cute fanboy.”

“HEY, knock it off! Don’t tease me like that.”  
“Take it easy,” Mari chided him.

“Oh my god!” Yuuri groaned, putting his face in his hands, “I’ll never be able to show my face again.”

Mari gave him a look of forced patience.

“Because of a get well note and a gift? Seriously?” Mari inquired, arching an eyebrow.

“Ugh! I can’t believe this is happening!” Yuuri complained, holding his head in his hands and shaking it vigorously.

“Get a grip,” Mari sighed impatiently, “I’m sure Victor will like the note and the gift. He’s always really nice to his fans. Maybe he’ll send a note back.”

Yuuri’s back straightened suddenly, his breath caught and he stared at Mari for a moment.

“What?”

“You…really think he might answer?” he asked timidly.

“What I think is that you’d better clean up that terrible mess you made, cause I’m not going to,” Mari snapped, closing the door as she left the room.

Yuuri continued to look silently at the place she had been, his mind whirling.

_What is Victor going to think when he sees it?I hope that it makes him smile. Victor’s smile is really warm and so beautiful._

_I wonder if he will answer._

XXXXXXXXXX

Victor’s face took on a quizzical look as he sat down on the hospital bed, studying the objects in the lovely box. He picked up the card that had been placed inside and read as he picked up each of the items in the box, one by one to look at them more closely.

“The charm is called omamori and is meant for protection. It’s considered bad luck to open it. It is just carried on one’s person for good luck, and in the case of this charm, for a speedy recovery and good health.”

He smiled approvingly at the intricate pattern on the outside with colors that matched his eyes, and he slipped it into his pocket, moving on to the next piece. He picked up a round figure, painted in red, gold and black, but with strangely unpainted eyes.

“What is that?” Yakov mused, shaking his head.

“The doll is Daruma,” Victor read, his lips curving upward, “We make a wish and paint the first eye, then when it comes true, we paint the other.”

“I think it’s kind of frightening,” Yakov complained.

“Be nice, Yakov. They’re just being kind.”

Victor lifted out the next item, twenty-five long strands of string that each held about forty tiny, colorful and carefully folded paper cranes.

“The cranes are to wish you a speedy recovery. We hope you are well soon. Please enjoy your gifts, with love from the Katsuki family.”

The card was signed, Toshiya, Hiroko, Mari and Yuuri Katsuki.

“That is very kind,” Yakov said, rubbing his chin and thinking.

He studied Victor’s curious expression, then looked back at the box.

“I’m wondering,” the old coach went on, “Do you really think that boy couldn’t accept you? Because, it doesn’t seem like someone who, as you said, was disgusted by you would send a gift like this.”

Victor gazed at the gifts, thinking quietly for a moment.

“I don’t know,” he said finally, “I think that it’s just…”

He broke off as he spotted an envelope in the bottom of the box. Yakov watched as he removed it from the box and opened it. He took a steadying breath and started to read.

“Are you sure you want me to hear it?” Yakov asked, stopping him, “It’s probably personal. I will go take your things to the car and give you some privacy.”

“Oh,” Victor said, giving him a confused look, “okay. You’re probably right, after all.”

He waited until his coach had left him alone, then he picked up the note and read.

_Dear Victor,_

_It sort of seems like forever since we competed together in the Grand Prix Final. I know I didn’t do very well. I really wanted to do better, because it would have been a good way to thank you for the inspiration you’ve given me. I wouldn’t have made it to the final at all if not for you. But since I couldn’t thank you with a good performance, I’ll thank you now. Watching you over the years made me fall in love with skating. I want to get better, to grow stronger and I hope I will. Maybe we’ll actually get to talk if we meet again in competition. I’d like to tell you in person how grateful I am._

_I hope that you’re feeling better. The TV didn’t say why you were in the hospital, but I’m glad to hear that you’re improving and you’ll be going home soon. I’m back at home for the first time in five years, and it’s funny how nothing really seems to be different…nothing but me, that is. Going home can be like that, I suppose. But I’ll bet you can’t wait to get home. They showed a picture on TV of the mountains of flowers and gifts that people have sent to your home and to the rink where you skate. You deserve it. You are an inspiration to so many people. I hope you go right on inspiring them._

_And if you are ever in Hasetsu, come to the hot spring! It’s a great place to recuperate after all. Take care of yourself and I hope to see you next season._

_Fondly,_

_Katsuki Yuuri_

Victor stared at the words uncomprehendingly, then he read them again, and then a third time.

_That doesn’t seem like someone who is disgusted by me. He’s so kind…not at all like I thought. I mean, he was never cruel, not even when he was drunk on champagne and riled by my heat. He didn’t hurt me and he didn’t say anything mean._

_Did I misunderstand him?_

_Have I got this wrong?_

He looked out the hospital window at the cloudy sky, wondering.

_But Yuuri, if you weren’t disgusted by me, then why? Why would you leave me after the night we had and never even try to talk to me? Were you…embarrassed? Did you maybe feel, not disgusted, but guilty instead, after that night? What is in your head? Who are you, Yuuri? Are you that man who swept me off my feet so aggressively, took me to bed and got me pregnant, or are you this kind, adoring fan who is also my competitor? Are you maybe somehow both?_

_I don’t understand._

“Mr. Nikiforov,” his nurse said, entering the room, “I have your discharge papers.”

“Oh,” Victor said distantly, “thank you.”

He signed the papers, then sat down in the wheelchair that was brought for him, holding the little box with the gifts and Yuuri’s note inside.

_So, maybe I misunderstood Yuuri all of this time. I feel stupid for not thinking of that before. Of course, if he’s a kind person, but also an alpha, he might regret losing control to his instincts as an alpha. I should tell him it wasn’t his fault. I don’t want him to feel bad._

_But…if all of that is true, then I have done wrong to him._

A little shiver went though Victor’s body.

_If this is the way he really is, the way he really feels, then I did something terrible to both of us by not telling him about the baby. Yuuri is Yume’s father, and he deserves to know that. But…how would I tell him something like that now? I hid Yume from everyone, and I’m starting to think that it was a really bad mistake to do that. But, even if that is true, I can’t go back and fix it._

Victor barely noticed reaching the car and being helped inside. He breathed slowly, his blue-green eyes focused on the mix of water and little flecks of ice that rained down onto the car window, the wipers swishing back and forth, sweeping everything aside, repeatedly.

_I am like those wiper blades, living for awhile, then wiping the slate clean and starting over and over and over and over again. It’s a repeating cycle I’ve lived in for as long as I remember. I keep going around and around in circles and rebuilding. But that, as they say, is life, isn’t it? You take the bad with the good and you make the best of things. You make yourself strong and you don’t depend on people. Because they always leave. My parents…several foster families, counselors, friends, Yuuri and now Yume. And someday Yakov will leave and Lilia, Valentin and even Maccachin. Yes, this is why I’ve always thought that I have to be strong on my own._

_But trying to be strong on my own is lonely._

“I was lucky to be able to change our flight so that we can go straight to the airport,” Yakov said conversationally. I know you want to get back to Russia.”

“Hmm, thank you,” Victor answered half-heartedly.

“You _did_ say you wanted to go now, didn’t you?” asked the old coach, “If you’re too tired…”

“No,” Victor insisted, “I’m tired, but not too tired to sit on a plane. I do want to go home. I miss Maccachin and…I just need to get back to normal.”

“Hmph, I don’t think there will be a normal for you for awhile,” Yakov grunted, “The abdominal surgery means no training for six months. That’s going to be cutting it close if you’re competing this next season, and that is if there are no complications. You will need rehabilitation and physical therapy to bring you back to peak performance.”

“Ugh,” Victor groaned, “Are you trying to tell me that I should just quit now? That all sounds so boring, Yakov.”

“Well, boring or not, it’s what it will take for your body to heal fully and be ready for competition. We don’t want to rush things and have you suffer an injury.”

The elder man gave him a scathing look.

“And no, I don’t think that you should quit. You have plenty of good skating years left, Vitya. What you lack right now is not time, it is motivation. You know this.”

“I do,” Victor agreed, “I admit I don’t know how next year will go.”

“You haven’t chosen between the “Eros” and “Agape” programs?” Yakov asked.

“God, I don’t know if I can do either,” Victor sighed, shaking his head, “I can’t think about any of that now.”

“It’s fine,” Yakov said soothingly, “Just focus on resting. Your inspiration will come back and you will be all right, once you get back to training.”

“Hmm,” Victor grunted agnostically.

_My inspiration?_

_My inspiration for Eros was the drunk and so sexy Yuuri, who had sex and made a baby with me, then left me and my inspiration for Agape are the emotions given to me while carrying a daughter who has died._

_I just can’t…no, I can’t think about those things now. I have to stay calm and quiet and not show how much this hurts. Yakov is already worried and I don’t want to scare him. I have to dig myself out of this mess._

_I do have six month while I’m not training._

_I wonder…what I will do with that time?_

Victor was silent, following in Yakov wake as his coach led him through the airport to their gate. On board the plane, he took his seat, sighing wearily as he collapsed and leaned against the window.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” Yakov asked stridently, “If you’re not, we should say something now, before the plane takes off.”

“I’m fine,” Victor lied, “It’s fine.”

He kept his head turned away, carefully hiding the tears that came and went as the plane carried them back over the ocean.

_I just have to get used to the idea that the plans that I had for Yume and me are gone. The future I dreamed of with her will never happen. I have to be strong and go on without her. But, what scares me is that I find myself asking why. Now that these dreams have died and that future is gone, what will take up that space in my life? It’s hard to find a new dream or any hopes while I’m like this._

_What can I do?_

Slowly, Victor dropped off into a restless sleep and woke hours later to find the plane darkened and Yakov sleeping soundly in the seat next to his. He realized that he had slipped his hands into his jacket pockets as he slept and he drew them out again, but felt something inside his curled right hand fingers. Opening them slowly, he made a sound of surprise as he found himself looking at the omamori.

The next thought that occurred to him made his throat tighten and his jaw clench hard so he could hold back form crying again.

_I guess I did take it out of the box while we were waiting to board. I like the way I can reach into my pocket and hold onto it without being too obvious. I thought I was trying to be strong on my own, but for some reason, when I touch this, I feel you with me, Yuuri._

_Maybe…just maybe, I’m not so alone as I thought._


	12. Siren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amidst his struggle to recover from losing his unborn child, Victor is upended by a viral video that changes everything.

Yakov approached the front door of his former wife’s lovely mansion and rang the doorbell. Almost immediately, soft footsteps sounded inside and the front door opened to reveal the handsome young man who served a Lilia’s most trusted attendant.

“Valentin,” he greeted the butler.

“Good morning, sir,” Valentin said politely, “You’ve come to check up on Vitya?”

“I have,” the old coach answered as he followed the butler inside, “Is he eating and sleeping any better?”

Valentin gave him a worried smile.

“Well, as usual, he is eating everything in sight, which makes me wonder how exactly he manages not to gain an ounce, even though he could use it. As for sleeping, not so much. He is restless during the night, then tired a lot during the day, and he is too quiet. He is taking the loss of his baby very hard, though he usually avoids speaking about it directly. He only really perks up when you or Ms. Lilia visit with him. As soon as you leave, he deflates quickly and wants to rest and brood a lot.”

“Hmm, I was worried that he would,” Yakov sighed following the butler through the main entry, up the grand staircase and down a long hallway to the suite where the Russian skater was recuperating.

Valentin opened the door and peeked inside.

“Vitya, Yakov has come.”

He paused, looking around as he noticed the empty bed and open balcony doors.

“Ah, I think he is getting some fresh air.”

He and Yakov entered the room and walked out to the balcony, where they found Victor reclining in a chaise lounge and fast asleep with Maccachin stretched out underneath. The old dog thumped his tail on the ground in greeting. Yakov’s eyes took on a deeply troubled look as he observed Victor’s too pale skin and unhappy sleeping face.

“Let’s go. We shouldn’t disturb him,” the old man said softly.

“Hmm?” Victor said, opening his eyes and blinking as he looked around and spotted his two visitors.

He broke into a wide smile.

“Yakov, Valentin, what’s up?” he asked, starting to climb out of the chaise.

“You don’t have to get up,” Yakov assured him, gently pushing him back down.

He took a seat on the edge of another lounge.

“Would you two like me to bring some tea and snacks?” Valentin asked cordially.

“Oh, that sounds good,” Victor said cheerfully, “I’m so hungry!”

“Again?” Valentin chuckled, “Well, all right. You are still recovering, after all.”

He left the two alone and Yakov turned his attention to his recovering student.

“Lilia messaged me that the doctor was here to see you this morning. How did that go? Has the pain subsided as it was supposed to?”

“Oh, it’s all fine,” Victor assured him, laying a hand on his belly as he sat up straighter, “I’m getting better every day. But, why are you here? Shouldn’t you be at the rink already?”

“Lilia asked me to come,” Yakov explained, “She said that now that you are doing better, the three of us should meet to talk about your training.”

“My training?” Victor mused, “What about my training? I can’t really train right now. It’s only been a little over a week since I lost the baby. Did you miss the part where the doctor forbade me to train for six months because of the abdominal surgery?”

Yakov crossed his arms and gave Victor a disapproving frown.

“Just because you are not training on the ice, does not mean you can be lazy.”

Victor gave him a confused look.

“I am resting and eating like everyone told me to do,” he complained, “How is taking care of myself being lazy?”

“You are lying around, moping,” the old coach said sternly, “Have you given any more thought to which program you are using for the short? Have you even begun work on the free program?”

“What? Why are you so worried about that? There is a lot of time.”

“Time or no time, by now you should have a basic plan for your theme, music and costumes thought out and you should be designing. Normally, by now, you would have done all of these things and you would already be refining your programs. You should come down to the rink and work on choreography of your routines.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” Victor demanded, his temper beginning to slip, “I am not allowed on skates!”

“I am paying a former student of mine to come to perform the skating, while you work on choreographing the elements.”

“Yakov, I don’t feel up to…”

“Yakov is right,” Lilia said firmly, emerging from the bedroom and stepping out onto the balcony, “You are quiet too much. You are alone too much. You are not thriving, even though you have all of us looking after you.”

Victor looked back at her wordlessly for a moment before continuing.

“I appreciate what you are doing,” he said sincerely, “all of you. But I just don’t feel ready to decide things about next season. I don’t even know, at this point, if I will _have_ a next season.”

“What are you talking about? Of course you will,” Yakov chided him.

“Yakov, I…”

Victor froze mid-sentence as he felt the sudden stab of Lilia’s icy alpha glare. The chill seemed to penetrate his chest, making his lungs tighten until he felt like he could barely breathe. Sweat broke out on his forehead and he shivered involuntarily.

_She never uses this dominant ability on me!_

_Never…until now._

He stared back at the former dancer in dismay, his heart pounding.

“We need to talk about this,” Lilia said sternly, flicking her sparking eyes to meet Yakov’s, “I’ve told Valentin to bring the tea and snacks into the garden room.”

Victor swallowed hard, letting his eyes drop as Lilia’s harsh gaze left him. She looked back at him again, but without the angry glare.

“Come Vitya, Yakov.”

Neither man nor the old, sleepy poodle hesitated as the lady of the house turned and led them away. Victor followed quietly, his heart sinking more with every step.

_How am I supposed to do this? How do I just forget all of the love, all of the emotion that went into those programs? How can I perform either Eros or Agape after what has happened? They were created for a family that never existed. It was present only in my mind. Yume was real enough, but she never stepped onto the ice with me as she did in my dreams. She never even drew breath! And now…I just feel empty. It’s a hunger I can’t feed. It’s emotion I can’t put into words. I don’t know what to do with all of this!_

The three reached the garden tea room, and sat down at the small table near the center of the lovely, flower filled paradise. The effect should have been soothing, but it seemed to do nothing to ease the tension in Victor’s body as he faced the two who had been like parents to him. Maccachin laid down at his feet and whimpered sympathetically.

“I’m sorry,” Victor apologized, not waiting for Lilia to take control of the conversation, “I know I’m disappointing both of you, and I don’t mean to. I just didn’t expect this to happen! I didn’t expect to lose Yume. I am… _trying_ to move on. I am doing everything I’ve been told to do. I even went to counseling.”

“We know that you are trying,” Lilia acknowledged in a softer, warmer tone.

“We do,” Yakov agreed.

“We know, but we also see that what we are all doing is not yet enough.”

“It’s only been a little over a week,” Victor pleaded softly, “I just had a part of my future taken away and I’m sorry if I don’t know what to do with that! I’m sorry if I can’t just use the pain to make new art, like I usually do when things are difficult. But, this isn’t just difficult. It is… _crushing_.”

Lilia exchanged a meaningful glance with Yakov, who stiffened slightly, but answered with a little nod of acceptance.

“We understand,” she replied quietly.

“How?” Victor asked, a tear escaping one misted eye, “How can you know? You haven’t…”

He stopped suddenly as he noticed a familiar looking sadness that entered the eyes of the two who had taken care of him and protected him for so long that he had nearly forgotten what it was like for them not to be there.

“Wait a minute,” he managed breathlessly, his mind whirling as realization swept over him, “You…? You lost a child?”

Victor’s breath caught and he stared raptly as the lady alpha explained.

“It was a long time ago, before you came to us. And although my pregnancy was unexpected at the time, it was welcomed. Yakov and I were looking forward to meeting our child, but…”

She trailed off, taking in a slow breath as Yakov finished.

“It was not meant to be.”

“Y-you…?” Victor stammered, “But you never told me that you and Yakov lost a child. Not in all of the years I’ve known you. I mean, it’s personal, of course…but…”

“Because of the effect that the pregnancy and childbirth were likely to have on my career as a dancer,” Lilia continued, “I did not announce anything right away. I was waiting until the baby was developed enough that he could live if born. When I miscarried, Yakov and I, and my doctors were the only ones who knew. We chose to keep the loss private, and we did our best to continue as we had been before.”

“But,” Yakov sighed, “we learned together that we could not be the same. The loss took a heavy toll on us, just as it has on you, and it will continue to wreak its havoc.”

“In the end,” Lilia said, moving closer to Yakov, “we lost the baby to the miscarriage, we lost our marriage to the stress, but…we did manage to keep going.”

“Oftentimes, it was with heavy hearts,” Yakov admitted, “but…some years after, we found that not everything that we lost was gone forever.

“I was already retired from dancing, and Yakov and I were friendly, but not in love anymore,” Lilia explained, “We had moved on in our lives and we were living, but perhaps not thriving. There was nothing terrible wrong with the way we were living, but there came a day when it became clear to us that something was missing.”

Yakov glanced at Lilia, then quietly slipped a hand into hers.

“It was the day, a short time after I first saw you at one of the novice competitions, when I scolded your idiot coach for abusing you the way he was. There was something about you. I convinced him to turn your training over to me.”

“You mean that you threatened him,” Victor chuckled, “and I was lucky that you did.”

“We were all lucky,” Lilia added.

“I had you moved into the skating academy’s dormitory, and you lived there while I trained you in figure skating and Lilia was your dance instructor.”

“It quickly became clear to Yakov and me that you were going to be more than just our student, and when the day came that you were found by the academy doctor to be an emerging omega, I didn’t hesitate taking you in for your protection.”

“By then,” Yakov said, meeting Lilia’s eyes warmly, “you were in our hearts and helping you train brought back some of the buried emotions, the old, almost forgotten hopes that we had once had for our unborn child.”

“When parents lose one child, but then move on to have another, there is a saying that the next child is like a rainbow that brings back some of the life that is lost with a lost child,” Lilia said solemnly, “You were that for Yakov and for me…this child not even our own, who gave us back something we desperately needed.”

“Well,” Victor said, taking a deeper breath and turning to face them directly, “I am eternally grateful to you for rescuing me from my old coach before he completely took advantage of me, and I am glad that my being with you inspired those feelings in the two of you, but…”

“We know your situation is not the same as ours,” Yakov acknowledged.

“I have you and I have a counselor,” Victor sighed, “but…there is no one who went through this with me exactly, because I hid everything. I didn’t even tell my child’s father, and I really regret that now. It makes the loss that much more lonely. Still, you don’t need to worry. I promise you, I am doing my best.”

“We know you are,” Yakov answered, nodding in affirmation, “Just let us know what we can do to support you.”

The three looked up as Valentin entered the garden room, bearing a heavy tray full of tea and food. Victor’s handsome face lit up instantly.

“Oh, this helps a lot!” he laughed, digging in as soon as the food was set down, “Come on and join me.”

“I have already eaten,” Lilia said dryly.

“I have to get back to work,” Yakov added.

“Valentin, you will eat with me, won’t you?”

The youthful butler snickered.

“If I ate like you, I’d get fat and her ladyship would probably fire me. Besides, someone has to be ready to haul more food in when you’re done with that, Vitya, dear.”

“All right,” Victor said around a mouthful of food, “but you have to stay and keep me company.”

Valentin watched as Yakov and Lilia left, then he shook his head and sighed.

“I have a couple of things to do, but I’ll be back for a walk in the courtyard with you in awhile. Will that do?”

“Sure, but you’re missing out.”

Victor waited until he was alone in the garden tea room with just Maccachin, then he turned to the old poodle and set some of the food down for him.

“Here,” he said in a softer, dispirited tone, “help me out with this, okay, Maccachin?”

He glanced back in the direction the others had gone, then climbed to his feet and headed into the tea room’s bathroom. He closed the door behind him and stood for a moment with his back against it, his hand on his stomach and a discomfited look on his face.

_I shouldn’t, but…I need to stay thin for…_

He paused, trying to picture any sort of next season, but only feeling emptiness swelling up inside until it brought the feeling of sickness. He dropped onto his knees and emptied his stomach violently, then remained on his knees and panting for several minutes.

_What is any of this for? Why am I slowly killing myself over a season that I don’t even know will happen? I’ve always been able to come up with new programs, and I have always been able to overcome depression with imagination and determination. I’ve always been strongest on my own…yes, up until now._

_This time feels different._

“Oh…oh Vitya!” Valentin gasped, bursting in through the door, “Are you all right, dear? I’ll call the doctor right aw…”

“No,” Victor sighed, starting to climb back onto wobbly feet, “no, I’ll be all right. I just…just ate too fast or something. You did try to warn me I was eating too much. S-sorry.”

_Don’t look at me, Valentin!_

He felt Valentin’s warm hands on his face and tried to pull away, only to find himself firmly anchored in the other young man’s arms.

“You’re not all right at all,” Valentin said worriedly, looking into Victor’s pained eyes, “Vitya, please tell me what I can do?”

“I would tell you if I knew,” Victor whispered, “I just don’t know anymore. I don’t feel like myself at all. I feel…like a part of me is missing since she died! I try to smile. I try to put my mind on my work or whoever is there, but _nothing_ takes away the feeling of emptiness where she was! I don’t know what to do.”

“It’s okay, Vitya! It’s okay. I’ve got you,” the butler promised, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes as he continued to hug the distressed skater tightly, “Come with me. I’ll…oh, you can’t have a hot bath yet, but a nice hot shower? I’ll bathe you myself?”

“You don’t have to,” Victor assured him, “I will be all right. This is just…what has to happen. I think I’ll just lie down for awhile. Can we go back to my room?”

“Of course,” Valentin answered, slipping a supportive arm around him.

“Sorry to be a bother, but there is still some pain sometimes.”

“I can get your pain medication.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Oh, don’t you go being a tough guy on me. Lady Lilia ordered me to keep you comfortable. I’ll get your pain pills and I’ll be right back.”

He helped Victor back into bed, then hurried out of the room. Alone again, Victor looked around and spotted his cell phone sitting on the nightstand. He picked it up, glad to have a message to take his mind off of his troubles for even a moment.

“Mila?” he mouthed as he read the message.

_Vitya, you have to see this! This video is all over social media. You remember that Japanese boy from the Grand Prix Final?_

Victor sucked in a surprised breath as he spotted Yuuri’s image on the video link in the message.

_It seems that while you were performing your free skate, Yuuri Katsuki was skating it too! You have to see it. It’s amazing! Hope you’re feeling better._

His heart pounding, Victor touched the play icon and began to watch.

_I don’t understand. I don’t understand this at all! What is he doing? Even if my first impression was wrong and he wasn’t disgusted by me, he still was too embarrassed or guilty or something to talk to me after! He did send that letter before, so I know he looks up to me as a skater, but…he has to have been practicing so hard to skate like this! I never saw him perform at this level in prior competitions. I’ve never heard of him skating this well! And…the way he moves! It’s like the music is inside him and billowing out of his body as he jumps and spins. He’s amazing!_

_This is not the Yuuri Katsuki I know._

Victor’s eyes hardened and his jaw clenched.

_This is the boy who swept me off my feet at the Grand Prix Final banquet._

_This…is my alpha!_


	13. Not Quite Eros

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor leaves Russia to coach Yuuri Katsuki in Hasetsu.

“Is there anything else I can get for you, Vitya?” Valentin asked, his handsome face still wearing a deeply worried expression as he tucked the blankets around his somber looking charge, “Are you sure you don’t want a soothing bath?”

“It’s fine,” Victor assured him, giving him a weary smile, “I just feel like sleeping. I promise I won’t throw up again. I don’t feel sick at all.”

“Hmm, well if you are sure,” the butler answered uncertainly, “You have quite a flush on your face.”

_Ah, that’s probably the excitement I felt at seeing the video of Yuuri performing my program. I need to see it again, but…_

“Please, just ring for me if you start to feel worse again.”

“Of course,” Victor answered absently, “Thank you, Valentin.”

He felt a twinge of guilt at how he was worrying his caretaker.

_But I need to see it again without interruption._

He focused on the screen of his cell phone and touched the icon to replay the video.

_What this is doing to me! My heart feels like it will jump out of my chest. Every move is so perfect, so…passionate! His expression is one of rapture and deep connection. Every move radiates with the same desperate desire I feel too!_

_Oh, Yuuri!_

_Can this really be what you’ve been feeling all of this time? I thought I disgusted you, but this is the furthest thing from disgust. There is so much love and dedication in each turn, so much drive, lifting you to new heights in your jumps. I never knew you were capable of skating like this…of feeling and expressing so much…of seducing me like this! You don’t need your dominant powers as an alpha to entrap and enslave me. All you need is to dance for me…_

_…dance with me…_

_…Yuuri…_

As the performance ended, Victor put a hand onto his chest, panting softly and still feeling the wild beating of his stricken heart. Swallowing hard, he looked around the silent guest room, trying and completely failing to think rationally.

_I have to go to him!_

_No, I…_

_NO, I HAVE to go to him!_

He stared at the frozen image of Yuuri on his phone, his head dizzy and unable to come out of the heady spin.

_He riles me in a way I haven’t been for a very long time. Yuuri, what made you do this? Have you been lonely too? Were you waiting for something? Was it that you asked me to come to coach you, and you went to bed with me, but I never answered you?_

_Yes…maybe it was that you were embarrassed at what you did while you were drunk. You recalled it in the light of day and you couldn’t believe it. The feeling was so overwhelming, you ran back to Japan without confronting me about it, and…and maybe I was supposed to follow you or answer you in some way, because you never would have had the courage to say anything to me if you weren’t drunk off your ass and overtaken by my heat!_

_Yuuri, I’ve been so STUPID!_

He was on his feet in a moment and had his suitcase open and lying on the bed as he rifled through his belongings, grabbing only what he needed as Maccachin watched from the other end of the bed, tilting his head quizzically.

“I’ve been an idiot!” Victor babbled absently as he packed, “All of this time, I’ve thought the stupidest thing. I never imagined that maybe I was wrong in my impression. I mean, how could I be, right? In what other way could I interpret what happened! But, it’s clear now that I was just not paying attention properly, or he might have just been speaking in a way I didn’t understand at first. That kind of thing happens all of the time with lovers, _da_? They talk, but they misunderstand. Of course, Yuuri and I didn’t talk. We danced and had sex and made a baby! I thought that was the beginning, middle and end, but it was just the start of the story. There is more, but we won’t get to it if we just stay here, letting everyone spoil us, right Maccachin?”

The old poodle thumped his tail on the bed and whined sympathetically. Victor stopped and stared at him for a moment, then he dashed to the other side of the bed and hugged the poodle close.

“I _knew_ you would understand! You always do, even if no one else does. Yes, we have to go to Yuuri and I have to give my answer to his request. That’s all this is! I should have thought of that before. I was just so damned focused on my being an omega, then the pregnancy, then…well, you know. You’ve been with me through all of this, after all.”

He paused looking briefly through the things he had packed, then he closed and latched the suitcase. Putting a finger to his lips, he summoned the old poodle to his side. He bent down to offer the pooch a little pet and a few words of warning.

“Now, no barking or anything out there, and whatever you do, don’t summon Valentin. I will explain to everyone later, but I have to do this right now. I checked and there is a flight leaving, but we have to get there soon.”

He grabbed his warm long coat and wrapped a scarf around his slender neck, then he took hold of the suitcase and led Maccachin out of the guest room. Looking around, he found the hallway empty. He headed towards the grand staircase, keeping his footsteps quiet. Seeing no one from the top of the stairs, he carried his suitcase down, while Maccachin bounded around his left side and raced to the bottom. Victor reached the bottom and was nearly to the front door, when the door opened and Lilia and Yakov entered together. Victor froze as the two, at first, didn’t seem to notice him, but then became aware of his presence and the fact that his hand was wrapped tightly around the handle of his rolling suitcase.

“What are you doing?” Yakov said gruffly, “You are supposed to be resting.”

“Valentin informed us you were sick to your stomach,” Lilia added, “What possessed you to even think of leaving in this state?”

“I have to go,” Victor answered firmly, his hand tightening on the handle of his suitcase until it stung, “I don’t really have time to explain because my flight leaves soon, but I need to go to Japan. I have to see Yuuri Katsuki.”

Yakov scowled.

“This is about the viral video?” he asked.

Victor gave him a look of surprise.

“You know about that?”

“I think everyone in Russia and Japan knows,” the old coach said, shaking his head, “I thought it might make you react in some impulsive way, but you need to restrain yourself, Vitya.”

“Yakov is right,” Lilia agreed, crossing her arms and glaring, “At the least, you need to slow down and think this through before you do something like that.”

“Please listen to them,” Valentin pleaded worriedly, “Vitya, you haven’t been sleeping well, you’re throwing up your food. Who knows what the stress of that long trip and the fact that you’ll be in an unfamiliar place without your family, will do to you!”

Victor bit at his lip anxiously, looking back at the only family he’d ever known with a torn expression.

“I understand what you are all saying,” he said finally, “but you have to understand. Yuuri is not just anyone, and my reasons for going are not as impulsive as you think.”

One shaking hand pulled the short hairs away from the back of his neck and the others flinched as they sensed the marking there.

“Yuuri is my alpha, and there is no getting past that,” Victor insisted, “Whatever he thinks of me, whatever you think of me, even what I think of myself, none of it is as important as following the truth now. I need to know where we stand or I will _never_ be able to pull my life back together! Forget just this season, I am falling apart, and you all _know_ that! I am not going to find my answers here, and the way I find them can’t be safe or easy. Yes, I have to leave things here and I have to go to Yuuri!”

“Go to him to do what?” Lilia asked, tilting her head curiously, “What do you think he will do when you show up without him knowing you’re coming?”

“Yuuri _wanted_ me to come,” Victor answered stridently, holding firm, despite the intensity of the alphas’ angry gazes, “He asked me the night of the Grand Prix Final. He asked me to come to Hasetsu to be his coach.”

“WHAT?” Yakov roared, “Vitya, you are a competitor. You are no coach! You haven’t been prepared at all for that. It’s insane to think you can just do this without any guidance.”

“I’ll have guidance,” Victor said more softly, “I will have you…won’t I?”

Yakov answered with a bristling look and an icy glare.

“Yakov,” Victor said anxiously, “you’ve always been there for me before. All of you have. Are you saying that…I…I have to choose between you and Yuuri or something?”

“No,” Yakov snapped, “I am not saying that. I am only saying that there is no way that you should be going and coaching that boy with no experience and when you are not functioning, yourself!”

“I’ll be fine,” Victor assured the others, “I’ll rest on the plane and I will start up slowly. I will…call you and ask you about what I don’t understand, so that I can…”

“No! You can’t do this, Vitya!” Yakov shouted, “You have your own career to think about. You are in a critical phase of your skating. Your motivation is lacking. If you run off like this, how will you find your motivation? That’s what you said you needed to do, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Victor sighed sadly, “but I am not going to find my motivation here. I know that. The questions that I have to answer before coming back to my own skating can only be answered by going to Yuuri and seeing where this leads. If you think about it, you know it’s true.”

“No,” Yakov objected, “you can’t just walk away like this.”

Lilia’s expression softened very slightly, but she said nothing, and Valentin just looked sad.

“I am not walking away from anything,” Victor argued, “I am going to the answers I need, and when I have them, I will know what to do next. I’m sorry that you don’t agree, but this is my life and my career. I want to keep skating, but I can’t do it this way, not right now. I am going to Hasetsu. I hope you can understand.”

“No, I don’t understand!” the old man yelled, “You’re acting crazy, Vitya. You don’t know what you are doing. Lilia, talk to him!”

“I think it’s clear he’s made up his mind,” Lilia answered tersely.

“Well, he can unmake it, then. This is outrageous! After everything you and I have…”

“Don’t say stupid things like that, old man!” Lilia countered, “Vitya doesn’t owe us a thing. He is family.”

“He is insane!”

Victor sighed and shot an apologetic look at Valentin as he turned and walked out the door, with Maccachin following, leaving the two elders to argue. The door opened behind him and Valentin slipped out. Victor looked back at him questioningly. The butler smiled sadly and shrugged.

“Lady Lilia will keep him distracted and I’ll take you to the airport, but…tell me something honestly. Do you really think that you’ll be okay doing this?”

Victor’s expression warmed and he hugged the younger man tightly.

“Honestly,” he managed, his eyes misting, “I don’t know what will happen, but I know where my loved ones are if things go wrong and I need them.”

Valentin gave a firm nod.

“Yakov will yell himself hoarse, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he stops talking to you for awhile, but whatever happens, try to be patient with him. The man loves you as though you were his own.”

“I know that,” Victor assured him, “and it’s killing me to make him so mad at me. He’s never stopped talking to me before. Are you pretty sure that he’s not going to…?”

Valentin’s more playful expression returned instantly and he kissed Victor warmly on each cheek.

“You leave that to her ladyship and me,” he advised Victor, “Come now, I’ll take you and Maccachin to the airport so that you can do what you need to do and then come home.”

“Thank you, Valentin,” Victor sighed raggedly.

He paused, taking a shaky breath, then he nodded.

“Okay, let’s go then.”

The two men and the old poodle climbed into Lilia’s limousine and headed for the airport. As he watched the mansion disappear from the rearview mirror, Victor looked down at his hands and shook his head at how they were shaking.

“Are you all right?” Valentin asked, meeting his eyes in the mirror, “You’re not having second thoughts?”

“Oh, I went through those a long time ago,” Victor answered, closing his eyes, “and third and fourth thoughts. I just…know this is what I have to do.”

“Okay,” the butler said encouragingly, “then stop agonizing. Trust Lady Lilia and me to bring Yakov around, and you just focus on taking care of yourself.”

“You really think Yakov will forgive me?” Victor asked.

“Of course he will,” the butler snickered, “or Lady Lilia will take him to task over it. And you don’t want to make the lady angry, am I right?”

“You are right,” Victor chuckled, despite the nagging worry he felt, “I’m surprised she wasn’t more angry with me.”

“Why would she be angry with you?” Valentin asked, matter-of-factly, “Despite what Yakov said, it’s perfectly rational, even natural for you to seek out your alpha to try to make things better between you. After all, you were bitten. You belong to the man, and if Yuuri Katsuki knows what is good for him, he will treat you right and make you happy…and, maybe someday when you are both ready, he will give you back that dream that you lost, _da_?”

“I can’t even think about that, right now.”

“Oh, I know that. But…here we are.”

He pulled up to the long curb, where other passengers were climbing out of cars and gathering their belongings. Valentin took the suitcase out of the car, then kissed Victor again on both cheeks.

“Take care of yourself, Vitya. Come home to us soon.”

Victor returned the kisses gently, then took hold of his bag and turned away. He checked the poodle in and watched as he was placed in an animal crate and wheeled away. He had nearly made it to the departure terminal, when Yakov’s voice rose up behind him.

“Vitya, wait! Can’t we talk about this?” the old coach called out to him.

Victor turned back, smiling sadly;

“Yakov, you are the best coach I ever had, and a wonderful father too. Nothing will change that…no matter where I go.”

“Think about what you are doing,” Yakov argued, “If you walk away now, you can never come back!”

Victor’s smile grew even more sad and he leaned forward to hug the old man, kissing him on the cheek.

“ _Do svidanya_ , I’m sorry, but I can’t do what you say this time.”

He turned and walked away, leaving the old man glaring after him.

“You don’t get to say that!” Yakov roared, long after the young man had gone inside and shut the door behind him, “You’ve never done anything I said for as long as I’ve known you!”

Victor stopped just inside the doors, indecision making his insides roil.

_I know this is what I have to do, but…_

He shook his head firmly and forced his feet to move, planting a smile on his face that was only skin deep.

_I’m going to throw everything I have into this. Yuuri asked me to come to Hasetsu and be his coach, so that is what I’m going to do. Yakov may be right that I don’t know about being a coach, but it can’t be that hard. I’ll figure it out as I go. I just hope he’ll talk to me. I will need his help._

Victor checked in and headed to the gate, and a short time later, he was in his seat as the plane lifted off, heading for Japan.

_It’s so strange. My heart feels lighter already. I think this was the right thing to do. I know I’ll find answers in Hasetsu. I know it._

He settled back in his seat, resting quietly and smiling more warmly as the plane carried him across the sea. Despite the long flight, it felt like the hours passed swiftly and sooner than he thought possible, the plane began to descend through dark clouds that revealed the ground below that was covered in snow, despite the lateness in the year.

_That’s odd. Japan usually isn’t this cold in April, right?_

But after enduring the icy Russian winters, the air didn’t feel too uncomfortable to him as he disembarked. He looked around and listened carefully until he found a young woman who sat at what seemed to be an information desk. She smiled at him as he approached.

“I know you!” she exclaimed excitedly, “You’re Victor Nikiforov! Welcome to Japan, Victor!”

“Thank you,” he said gratefully, “Can you tell me how to get to Hasetsu? I am trying to find…eh…”

He dug out a slip of paper he had hastily scribbled the name of the inn onto before leaving Russia.

“I need to get to Yuutopia Katsuki.”

“No problem!” the ecstatic young lady assured him, “I’ll get a car to take you there.”

He barely had time to make sure he had all of his things and had collected Maccachin from the terminal before the car arrived and he was on his way to the hot spring inn. It was still somewhat early in the morning when the car pulled up in front of the inn, and Victor climbed out, rolling his suitcase and with Maccachin prancing along on his heels. He walked to the front doors of the inn, taking slow breaths and trying to think of what to say.

_This place is beautiful, such simple charm that is perfect and feels so very relaxing._

The scent of food drifted out, and Victor heard voices inside. He opened the front doors and the sounds grew louder. Ahead of him, an older, cheerful looking woman with the warmest eyes and brightest smile Victor had ever seen, appeared and bowed in front of him.

“Welcome to Yuutopia Katsuki.”

She straightened and looked at him more closely as he struggled for words, even though he had planned what to say.

_It’s so strange. I feel something I never have before. This woman…_

“I am Victor,” he said slowly in English.

“Oh, I know who you are, _Vic-chan_!” the woman giggled.

“You do?” he managed, blushing, “I mean…but it’s Victor.”

“To everyone else, maybe,” the woman laughed, “but we know you well here, so we call you, _Vic-chan_.”

“O-kay,” Victor chuckled, “that’s fine. Please, I am looking for Yuuri Katsuki. Is he here?”

“Heh,” an older man laughed, joining the woman in front of Victor, “Yuuri is here, but he’s still in bed right now. Why don’t you have a soak in the hot tub and a bite to eat while you wait for him?”

“This is Toshiya,” the woman introduced the man, “and I am Hiroko. We are Yuuri’s parents.”

“Oh, it’s nice to meet you,” Victor answered, bowing as they had, “Ah, is there a room where I can stay for awhile? I would have called ahead, but…”

“Don’t worry at all,” Hiroko said, giving him a little wink, “Yuuri’s sister, Mari, will have a room made up for you while you eat and soak.”

“A soak in the hot spring does sound good,” Victor sighed, “It was a long flight.”

_I’m glad it’s been long enough now that I can do that safely._

He followed as Hiroko raced away and Toshiya led him through the inn to the locker room.

“You can undress here and either bathe with a wrap around your waist or with nothing. Whatever you like better. Come on back to the front of the inn when you are ready for your meal.”

“Thank you,” Victor sighed, breathing in the steamy air and feeling the tension and weariness leaking out of his body.

He sank down into the blazing water, letting out a more ragged sigh of relief. All of the worry seemed to seep away in the depths of the lovely pool.

_This is amazing! It feels so good._

He almost forgot where he was and why he had left Russia, and everything that had been weighing on him. So calmed by the heat and steam, he closed his eyes and almost drifted off right there. But after several minutes, the door to the hot spring room burst open and the young man he had been seeking skidded into the room, panting hard and looking ready to jump out of his skin.

_What a cute reaction!_

“V-victor, wh-why are you here?” Yuuri asked breathlessly.

Recalling the brazenness of the young man’s invitation, Victor stood in the pool and gave Yuuri a wide, friendly smile.

“Hello, Yuuri,” he answered cheerfully, giving Yuuri a wink, “Starting today, I’ll be your new coach. You’re going to get to the Grand Prix Final…and you’re going to win.”

Victor blinked in surprise at the howled _WHAT?_ that escaped the man in front of him.

_Why does he look so surprised? He asked me to come here, right? He asked me to be his coach. It’s like in the video, after he ran away from me before. What is wrong with this boy? Is he bipolar or schizophrenic or something? Whatever, I’m sure we’ll figure this out._

“Come now, Yuuri,” he chuckled, “I’m starving. Why don’t we go and eat?”


	14. Little Piggy and the Wolf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor struggles to make a connection with an elusive Yuuri.

Victor found himself smirking a little at how Yuuri simply knelt near him, hands clenching on the tops of his thighs, and gazing at him with a stricken, wide-eyed expression as the Russian skater ate voraciously.

“This is sooooo good!” Victor exclaimed, “There was a meal on the plane, of course, but it doesn’t come close. This is wonderful.”

“Oh, it’s so nice of you to say that, Vic-chan,” Hiroko chuckled as she, Toshiya and Mari entered the room and sat down at the table with them.

“So, how was the flight coming over from Russia?” Toshiya asked conversationally, “I hope it wasn’t too bumpy.”

“That wouldn’t be good, with you having been in the hospital recently, would it?” Hiroko added sympathetically, “I hope you’re feeling better, Vic-chan.”

Victor couldn’t help but notice Yuuri flinching visibly at the mention of his illness.

“I’m doing much better,” Victor assured them, “I did have to have a small procedure, but I’m healing all right. It wasn’t terribly serious.”

“I noticed the little scar you have,” Yuuri said, blushing.

“Is that all you noticed while I was naked with you, Yuuri?” Victor countered, aiming to change the direction of the conversation.

_We are not ready to talk about that yet._

“W-well, I um…err…”Yuuri stammered, blushing more darkly.

“Thank you all, by the way, for the gifts,” Victor continued smoothly.

He pulled the omamori out of the pocket of the inn robe he wore.

“I’ve been taking this with me everywhere I go.”

“That’s so sweet, dear,” Hiroko gushed, her eyes sparkling, “We’re happy you like it.”

“I haven’t thought of a wish to make for the Daruma yet,” the Russian continued, giving Yuuri a teasing glance, “Maybe Yuuri can help me think of something while I’m here.”

“I-I’ll try to think of something good!” Yuuri answered determinedly, his hands clenching and his voice almost shouting.

Victor met Yuuri’s eyes again, biting at his lips to control his amusement at how his attention made the younger man react so strongly.

“And the paper cranes were so lovely,” he went on, “It must have taken so long to make all of them, but I understand origami can be soothing to someone who suffers a lot from nerves?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri said sheepishly, “That’s why I have about a million of those already. I do find it soothing to make them.”

“You made all of those, Yuuri?” Victor asked, his eyes widening, “So many?”

“Yeah, I get nervous…a lot.”

Yuuri sucked in a surprised breath as Victor took hold of his hands and examined them closely.

“Wh-what are you doing?” he managed, staring, “What are you looking for?”

Victor gave him a cute little wink.

“Paper cuts,” he joked, making all of the Katsukis laugh with him.

Victor felt a sweet, nostalgic fluttering in his heart.

_This…is how I always imagined my family would be. If I had a family, we would be comfortable with each other and joke and tease, just like this. Not that Yakov, Lilia and Valentin aren’t family to me…they are. I just mean that if I hadn’t been thrown away. If my parents had wanted me and I had grown up in a normal home, this is what I imagine it would be like._

_Yuuri is so very lucky!_

_I wonder if he knows that, or if Yuuri takes this for granted._

“And thank you, Yuuri,” he said, continuing their conversation, “for your kind words and the invitation to come here.”

“Oh…w-well I…” Yuuri stammered, going an even darker shade of pink as Mari snickered, “I uh…felt kind of bad after the way I ignored you when you called out to me after the Grand Prix Final. I should have taken that photo with you. I was sad afterward that I let my emotions ruin what that day was supposed to be like.”

“It’s all right,” Victor said disarmingly, “We’re here now. We can take all of the photos you want to, and I’ll share them on my Instagram!”

“Well, I don’t really feel like I deserve it,” Yuuri complained, “I was completely humiliated.

“Yeah,” Mari said, smirking, “wasn’t Victor’s score like over a hundred points higher than yours, Yuuri?”

“Thanks a lot!” snapped the Japanese skater, making his sister chuckle, “Like I wasn’t humiliated enough already?”

“Why are you humiliated?” Victor asked, letting out a huff of breath, “Do you think that in my career, I haven’t also made mistakes and given a terrible performance? Let me reassure you that _every_ skater has. We’re going to fix that humiliation, Yuuri. We’re going to do something about that…eh…maybe as soon as I’ve had a chance to rest from the flight.”

“Oh, of course,” Hiroko said, standing, “Mari, come and help me prepare a place for Vic-chan.”

“I better get back to taking care of the guests,” Toshiya sighed, following the two out of the room.

Victor yawned sleepily.

“It shouldn’t take long for them to finish,” Yuuri said bracingly, his eyes blinking curiously as Victor stretched, then just laid down on the floor, curling around the old poodle next to him, “Um, hey, at least let me give you a pillow for your head if you’re going to do that!”

Yuuri grabbed a clean floor cushion and Victor yawned and nodded his gratitude as he accepted it and laid down again.

“Victor,” Yuuri said quietly, taking on a serious tone, “thank you for coming to Hasetsu. I mean, I never dreamed that you would…”

He broke off, making a little sound of surprise as a soft snore emanated from the Russian’s curled body.

“Oh,” Yuuri chuckled softly, “you must be so tired. Sorry.”

He watched raptly, unable to fully believe his idol was really there.

_This is Victor…my idol, the one whose beautiful skating changed the course of my life! He’s really here in front of me, curled up and sleeping on my floor. I’ve looked at him so many times on TV, memorizing every little thing about him…his soft, smooth hair, his perfect skin, the purring sound his voice makes when he’s relaxed. I love his scent. There’s something about it that seems so…stirring._

_Wow._

_He really is lying there on the floor with his pet poodle and sleeping as though he laid in a soft, perfect bed, when the floor is anything but. I get dizzy looking at him. I wonder how crazy I’ve got to be, believing what’s in front of me. This man…Victor…_

With no one watching him, Yuuri was content to remain on his knees near the Russian legend, clenching his hands on his thighs and swallowing hard as Victor sighed so cutely in his sleep and hugged Maccachin closer.

_In that article I read, years ago, it said that Victor was given Maccachin by his coach, Yakov, when he suddenly became ill and had to leave the skater’s dormitory in Saint Petersburg. He lived with his ballet instructor, Lilia Baranovskaya, the former prima ballerina of the Bolshoi Ballet. She used to be married to Yakov. Victor was twelve years old when Maccachin came to him. That means he’s at least fifteen now. That’s really old for a standard poodle to live._

_I wonder if Victor worries about that,_ Yuuri mused, his mind going back to the loss of his own beloved poodle, _He seems really attached._

Unbidden tears welled up in the corners of Yuuri’s eyes and might have overflowed if he hadn’t suddenly been interrupted by Minako dashing into the room with Hiroko a step behind.

“What the heck?” Yuuri exclaimed, keeping his voice carefully hushed.

“Oh my god, it’s really _him_!” Minako yelped, “What is doing here, lying on the floor in one of the inn’s robes?”

“Well, he soaked for a long time in the hot spring and after he ate, he was just so tired that he laid down right there, by the table.”

“And now, he’s sleeping soundly as a baby,” Hiroko said, gazing at the Russian man adoringly.

“Have you even asked him any questions or were you just staring at him with those wide eyes all night?” Minako asked accusingly, “Yuuri, do you understand? There is a rumor going around that he’s here to be your coach!”

“I know that,” Yuuri said dismissively, “That’s the first thing Victor told me.”

“Well, did he tell you the reason he decided to come to be your coach?”

“Eh…um, we didn’t actually get to much talking,” Yuuri said, blushing.

“Victor told the reporters that he came to Hasetsu because of that viral video Yuko and Takeshi’s kids uploaded. He said that he saw the video and he was so inspired that he dropped everything and came here to coach you. Victor chose you to be his protégé! Do you even know how amazing that is?”

“Victor was inspired by me?” Yuuri asked, turning his head to look at the Russian skater more closely.

Yuuri and Minako startled as Victor suddenly sneezed and sat up, blinking and yawning.

“Oh, I’m so hungry,” he sighed, turning his head to look at Yuuri, Minako and Hiroko, “Is there more food around here?”

“Yeah!” Yuuri squawked nervously, “We have tons of food. What would you like?”

Victor’s head tilted as Maccachin’s did the same.

“What’s your favorite food, Yuuri?” Victor asked curiously, “If I’m going to be your coach, that’s something I should know, don’t you think?”

“Ah, yeah sure. I guess,” Yuuri answered uncertainly.

Victor nodded and smiled warmly.

“So?” he prompted Yuuri, “What is it? What is your favorite food?”

 _Is it going to be this hard to learn everything about him?_ Victor wondered as Yuuri turned for a moment and said something quietly to Hiroko,

“Okay,” Yuuri said, seeming to gain a measure of confidence, “Mom’s going to bring it. I think you’ll really like it.”

“Can’t wait to try it. So then, tell me more about you, Yuuri.”

As they waited, Victor continued to gently prod the Japanese skater with questions, only to find that doing so only heightened Yuuri’s obvious anxiety.

_This doesn’t make sense. Yuuri asked me to come here! He practically advertised his love for me for everyone all over the goddamned world! So, why does he look at me like that? Like I’m some kind of horror out of one of his worst nightmares? He wanted all of this to happen? Where is the boy who lost at the Grand Prix Final and got drunk and asked me to be his coach? Where is the alpha? The strong, unyielding Eros, who took me to bed and made me pregnant that night?_

_Is Yuuri playing some kind of game?_

_Is he too intimidated to accept that his desires have come to life, and are standing right in front of him?_

_Is he panicked?_

_Bipolar?_

_Does he have multiple personalities?_

Victor took a steadying breath, prepared to risk everything…then, he smelled a heavenly, savory scent on the air that made all of his thoughts scatter immediately.

“Wh-what…is…that?” he whispered, blinking in surprise.

He stared in wonder at the steaming dish that Hiroko set down in front of him as she happily announced.

“It’s a pork cutlet bowl, extra large…our house specialty!”

“Wow! This looks amazing!” the Russian exclaimed, capturing a piece of the deep fried pork, egg and rice on his chopsticks and bringing it to his mouth.

As good as it looked, the dish tasted even better. It was so good that Victor lost all restraint and shouted his appreciation in Russian.

“VKUSNO!”

He tried to speak, but couldn’t stop eating as he went on, so he naturally did a sloppy job of both.

“Rrrreally, there are no words! This must be what God eats.”

“I’m glad you like it,” Yuuri said happily.

Minako gave the two men a little smirk and jumped into the conversation.

“The rule was that he could only have one of these after winning a competition, because he gains weight so easily,” she said, making the Japanese skater blush harder and pull at his somewhat tight clothing.

“Oh,” Victor acknowledged around a mouthful of pork and rice, “so tell me, have you had a pork cutlet bowl recently?”

“Sure!” Yuuri beamed, falling right into the trap, “they’re my favorite, so I eat them all the time.”

“Oh really?” Victor noted, never losing his bright smile, “But you haven’t won anything, have you?”

He barely managed not to laugh and choke on his food as Yuuri’s blush roared back and his body tensed.

_I think it’s best to just be straightforward with him._

“Hmm,” the Russian said, tilting his head, “you know, there’s not much I can do with you until you lose that piggy gut and work off those love handles. You need to get back to your pre-GPF weight…or I can’t coach you. So, why don’t you lay off the pork cutlet bowls for awhile, okay little piggy?”

Although he tempered the harsh words with a bright, cheerful smile, he could practically see them bowling Yuuri over physically as the Japanese skater cringed and broke out in a sweat.

_This is the alpha who took me to bed forcefully and bit me?_

He continued to watch Yuuri closely as he finished eating, then he followed the younger man to the small banquet room Yuuri’s mother and sister had swiftly reconfigured into a bedroom for him.

_He still looks ready to jump out of his skin every time I speak to him. I guess I’d better do something to calm his nerves and reassure him._

“What an incredibly adorable little room!” he said admiringly, “Is there a sofa?”

“No, sorry,” Yuuri apologized, barely lifting his head as he helped Mari move the last of the boxes in, “And sorry the room’s so small, but this was all we had available right now.”

“Don’t you worry,” Victor said bracingly, “I’ll make it work.”

He watched as Mari left, then he moved in closer to Yuuri, who was kneeling on the floor, resting after all of the heavy lifting.

“Now then, Yuuri,” he purred, dropping down to the younger man’s level and slipping a warm hand under Yuuri’s chin, “Let’s get to know each other. A relationship like this should be built on trust, don’t you think?”

He made a sound of surprise and gave Yuuri a befuddled look as the Japanese skater backpedaled so hard that he almost crashed into the wall behind him.

_What is wrong with him? Am I so scary to him?_

“What’s wrong?” he asked, remaining carefully where he was, “Why did you run away?”

“Er…um…leg cramp,” Yuuri panted, “M-must’ve pulled something when I was moving the boxes.”

_He has to be playing some sort of game with me. Either that, or Yuuri suffers from multiple personalities or something like that. Maybe it just takes the right approach to activate his more dominant personality._

“So, um, if there’s nothing else, I’ll let you get some sleep now,” Yuuri said awkwardly, climbing to his feet and heading out of the room, “Good night, Victor.”

Victor hadn’t even time to answer before Yuuri was out the door. He blinked slowly, then perked as an idea came to mind. Hopping to his feet, he grabbed the pillow that had been left for him and dashed out of the room. He saw Yuuri go into a room at the end of the hall and close the door and he followed, calling out to his flighty student.

“Hey Yuuri! Let’s have a slumber party. It’s a perfect way to get to know each other.”

He wasn’t expecting the howled, “No!” that sounded through the door and continued to try to coax the Japanese boy out, but after several minutes, he realized the effort was futile and he headed back to his room. He walked inside and turned off the lights, then he took off his top and plopped down onto the makeshift bed that had been made up for him on the floor. He wrapped his arms around Maccachin, sighing wearily at his failure to learn anything at all about his enigmatic student.

“How am I supposed to get to know Yuuri better if he keeps running away every time I try to speak to him?” he complained to the old poodle, “I’m being as nice as I can. I don’t understand why he’s so intimidated. Does he…maybe feel embarrassed and worried that I’ll tell his family about what happened at the Sochi event? I suppose that could be it, but maybe it’s worse and he is so upset by what he did to me while we were drunk, that he is blocking out the memory or something?”

Maccachin whimpered sympathetically and gave him a sleepy lick on the cheek before lying down on the floor. Victor curled around him, breathing slowly and thinking quietly. He tried closing his eyes and letting himself fall asleep, but it was strange sleeping on the floor, and the little, unfamiliar noises made him come awake again when he did drift off.

_I barely noticed the hardness of the floor at all when I was so exhausted after the long flight, but now I just can’t get comfortable._

He turned on some very soft classical music, but he couldn’t get used to the harder sleeping surface. At his wits end, he sat up and let out a ragged sigh of discomfort. He was surprised to hear Hiroko’s voice call softly from outside the door.

“Vic-chan, are you still awake?”

“Y-yes,” he answered, grabbing the top and wrestling it back into place as the door slid open and Yuuri’s mother entered the room.

“Not to bother you, dear, but you sounded like you were restless. Is it too uncomfortable for you? We could try to find something softer for you to sleep on.”

“Oh…no,” Victor replied hastily, “It’s really fine. I just…it’s different here and I’m messed up from the long flight.”

“Ah, that makes sense,” Hiroko said, moving to his side and kneeling.

Victor gave her a quiet, curious look.

“It also makes sense that Vic-chan might be a little homesick from having jumped up and run away to Japan, _ne_?”

There was something so kind and so disarming about the woman that Victor’s defenses were instantly crushed and he couldn’t tell her anything but the truth.

Mmm, yes, I think that’s part of it, but it’s also Yuuri,” he sighed, resting his arms on his bent knees and laying his face on his arms, with his head turned towards the lady innkeeper, “I know he is shy, but he won’t even talk to me. Yuuri…wanted me to come here. I know he did.”

“Yes,” Hiroko agreed, nodding, “I’m sure he did want you to come here, but I think he’s very, very surprised that you actually did. All of us are surprised, Vic-chan. We are surprised, but we are so happy that you’ve come to us.”

“I’m happy to be here,” Victor replied, smiling at her and lifting his head, “but I don’t know how to get through to Yuuri, and I can’t help him…I can’t coach him if he won’t even talk to me.”

The little chuckle that escaped the elder woman surprised him, but he was floored as Hiroko curved a soft palm around his cheek and looked kindly into his confused eyes.

“Give him a little bit of time,” she advised him, “Yuuri is an anxious boy, but there is one person who has inspired our Yuuri to grow strong and to become a competitive skater. I think the person who can motivate him like that, can also be successful in reaching Yuuri and earning his trust. Don’t you agree?”

_What is this feeling in my chest and in my stomach? It’s like butterflies, but at the same time, I feel like crying._

“Are you all right, Vic-chan?” Hiroko asked, sounding worried.

“Oh, I’m fine,” he answered, though he knew very well she could see he was the furthest thing from fine, “I’m just…I grew up a little differently, so I’m not used to…”

He paused, biting at his lips as Hiroko withdrew her hand, but remained quiet, watching him curiously.

“I mean that I didn’t have a mother to touch me like that and give me advice or…comfort me. When I left the orphanage and lived with my dance instructor, Lilia, she was a good parent, but…maybe there was something about me…some part of me that was broken from not being wanted.”

Hiroko’s eyes widened and she nodded sympathetically.

“Yuuri told us that Vic-chan spent a lot of his childhood in an orphanage.”

“Yes. It wasn’t bad. The people who looked after us weren’t unkind, although we did have rules we had to follow…chores to do. And if we were scared at night, we comforted each other. We didn’t wake the adults. It was just…different, not bad.”

“I see,” Hiroko said quietly, “but it must be confusing to suddenly become part of a family.”

Victor felt as though the breath had all been sucked out of his body and he stared at Hiroko in astonishment.

“B-but…you don’t even know me!” he managed weakly.

Her easy giggle undid him all over again and he gazed at her helplessly tongue tied.

“Vic-chan,” she laughed, taking his hands in hers and squeezing them gently, “you may have been living somewhere else, but some part of you has been living here in Hasetsu and guiding our Yuuri as he grew up. Ever since he was a little boy, he has always been watching your beautiful skating. It is from you that he learned to love the ice, and how to use skating as a way to express himself.”

She paused for a moment, thinking carefully before continuing.

“It is as though, in your performances, you cast out little bits of your heart, and our boy captured those little pieces and made them part of his own. Do you understand?”

Victor smiled and nodded silently, his eyes tearing.

“For someone to give such a profound gift, not just to our boy, even, but to the world, such a man deserves to be welcomed as one of our own, don’t you think?”

Victor couldn’t think of a single word to say in answer, but he hugged Hiroko tightly, burying his face in her shoulder.

_Is this what it feels like to be hugged by one’s own mother? It’s such a wonderful feeling, I can’t help crying…and I have actually felt something like this before._

_Yes…_

_I felt this kind of feeling when I was carrying Yume and I put my arms around my own body to hug her. This is maternal love, then. This is the love between parent and child. This is Agape._

_I felt like it was gone when I lost her._

_…but…_

_I was wrong._


	15. My Nightmare and My Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri comforts Victor after a dark memory keeps him from sleeping.

_My god, it’s so late, and I haven’t slept at all. I think I’m still in shock. I just can’t quite convince myself that this is really happening…that just down the hallway, just steps away from my bedroom door, Victor Nikiforov is lying in bed, probably naked, with his Maccachin right there with him._

_Victor._

Yuuri sucked in a long, slow, shaky breath, lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling through bloodshot eyes as he pictured the Russian skating legend.

_I’ve dreamed for so long of just this, being here and having Victor there, so close to me. I dreamed of showing Victor my skating and thanking him for giving me the inspiration to become a professional figure skater. I even dreamed sometimes of dancing alongside him, out there, on the ice in front of everyone, but never, in all of those dreams did I dream of showing Victor all of my faults, all of my fears and my feelings of insecurity. I guess, when it comes right down to it, I didn’t really want for Victor to come and see me. I wanted him to see some perfect form of me, one that doesn’t get anxious and screw up jumps, one who doesn’t freeze up at the very sight of him, one who can look him in the eyes calmly and show Victor just what his beautiful skating has done._

_Victor would want to see that perfect me…only I know that perfect me doesn’t really exist. I mean, I can skate without making mistakes, if I don’t get nervous. I can look into those ocean colored eyes of his, as long as they’re looking out at me from a poster, and if I have someone videotape my performance without me knowing, I can be that best me that I’d want him to see._

_But Victor isn’t far away, and I don’t have control over what he sees when he looks at me. I’m scared that he’ll look and see all of those faults and decide that this was a mistake and that I’m just not worth his time. He took a season off to come and coach me, Victor did. He really did. I don’t want him to regret it._

_So, I guess that I just have to work really hard not to screw this up. That means, I need to get some sleep, so I’ll be well rested when we…oh yeah, we’re not training yet. He’s not letting me onto the ice in front of him until I lose the extra weight I gained after the Grand Prix Final. Okay, but he’ll still be there, helping me. It’ll be okay._

He managed, after awhile, to convince himself well enough that he could drift off. He did sleep for an hour or so before he was sleeping deeply enough that he began to dream.

_He laid in a bed, he didn’t know where, drunk to the point of deliriousness, but even that wasn’t enough to hold him still as the sweet, delicious scent of an omega in heat reached him. The man stood by his bed, smiling quietly down at him and saying something that echoed strangely in his ears. In the haze, he could only make out a splash of silvery colored hair and two spots of lovely ocean blue, but that was enough that he knew who was with him. The man turned to leave, but Yuuri’s hand shot out and wrapped around his wrist. He yanked hard, bringing Victor down onto the bed, and he swiftly threw the Russian onto his back and climbed on top of him._

_“Wh-where you goin’ Victor?” he drawled, “You s-said you were gonna stay…gonna s-sleep with me.”_

_The Russian skater looked surprised, but he remained calm, even as Yuuri’s hands worked quickly to undress him._

_“Yuuri, no. You’re not thinking straight.”_

_“Shh…”_

_His hands worked faster._

_“Yuuri, stop.”_

_“Y’smell too good, but you know that, don’t you?”_

_“Yuuri, let me up,” Victor said firmly, “I only came to put you to bed and make sure you were okay. I don’t want to…”_

_His words stopped, but not because he had changed his mind, He simply couldn’t speak anymore as Yuuri’s mouth clamped tightly down on his. The Japanese skater’s hips moved and Victor moaned and shuddered underneath him._

_“Y’like that, Victor?”_

_“I do, but I don’t want to…mmphh!”_

_Yuuri stopped his words again with another vicious kiss. His thumbs found the riled nubs on the Russian’s muscular chest and teased them, making Victor’s back arch as he moaned almost desperately into Yuuri’s marauding mouth. Yuuri pushed down his pants and stole some of the wetness leaking from the tips of their inflamed arousals. Victor felt the dampened, seeking fingers and tried to pull away._

_“No, Yuuri!”_

_But the smell of the other man, the softness of his hair and flesh and the sexy sound of even his scared voice seemed to only make Yuuri want him more. Something in the back of his mind began to cry out, but his body trapped Victor’s and he shifted so that the Russian couldn’t help but know what was coming next._

_“YUURI, STOP!”_

Yuuri sat up suddenly in his bed, his brown eyes wide and rounded, and his fingers clenching the bedding. His heart pounded like it might jump out of his heaving chest and he whimpered at the visions of Victor’s scared face and frightened voice that refused to fade for several minutes after. He gave a shaky sigh as the dregs of the nightmare dimmed, and he looked around his room, thinking.

_Thank god it wasn’t real. I know it wasn’t, because Victor is obviously an alpha. He wouldn’t be intimidated by anyone like that, least of all, me. Victor is strong._

_Yes._

_Victor wouldn’t be weak like that for anyone. I was just mixing up thoughts of him and memories of that omega I helped back in Detroit or something. Victor’s not like that at all. Victor is a powerful alpha._

_Victor is an alpha, not an omega._

He was almost reassured by the thought alone, but it turned out it wasn’t quite enough, so he climbed out of bed and crept to his door. It was late, so the hallway was dark and quiet, but he spotted a little light near Victor’s guest room door. He left his room and moved soundlessly in that direction, freezing for a moment as he heard Maccachin whimper.

“It’s okay,” Victor’s sleepy voice answered, “it was just a dream. I’m fine, Maccachin.”

Yuuri peeked around the edge of the door and spotted the Russian skater sitting up in his bed on the floor, his pale arms wrapped around the old poodle and his face buried in Maccachin’s furry neck.

“Victor, are you okay?” he asked softly.

Victor stiffened for a brief moment, then his head rose and he met Yuuri’s eyes, relaxing visibly.

“I…I thought I heard something,” he said awkwardly.

“It’s fine,” Victor said, shifting and smiling at him, “I just had a bad dream.”

“Y-yeah?” Yuuri sighed, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck, “Me too. That’s why I was awake.”

Victor looked back at him, brushing messy bangs out of his eyes, then he patted the bed and nodded.

“Do you want to sit down and talk a little?” the Russian asked, “Maccachin is a good comforter, but it’s good to have someone who can answer so I can understand.”

“Right,” Yuuri said, blushing, “but um…you… _are_ wearing pants or something, aren’t you?”

Victor laughed and the sound of it began to finally undo Yuuri’s anxiety over his nightmare.

_See? He’s fine. Victor is fine. I wouldn’t ever hurt him. He would never be afraid of me._

Victor lifted up the covers and peeked under for a moment.

“I am wearing underwear, but I’ll keep the blanket over me, if that makes you feel more comfortable, Yuuri.”

_There’s something about the way he says my name. No, there’s something about everything he does! His handsome face that’s almost always smiling, his sexy voice and his warm laugh._

“Sit down, Yuuri,” Victor chuckled, and Yuuri realized that somehow he had advanced into the room and was standing beside the bed.

He sat down beside the Russian, stealing a glance at him as Victor rubbed Maccachin’s head and the old poodle stretched out and closed his eyes.

“You said you had a bad dream too,” Victor recalled, “Did you want to talk about that?”

_No way!_

“Eh…I kinda forgot when I woke up,” Yuuri laughed nervously, “What about you?”

“Oh,” Victor said more softly, “mine was less a dream and more a memory.”

Yuuri felt a little scared jolt in his belly.

“W-was it from when you lived in the orphanage or…?”

“It was,” Victor affirmed.

“Y-you don’t have to tell me if it’s too personal,” Yuuri said quickly, “I mean, I don’t want to pry or anything. And anything you do tell me will stay between us, unless you tell me it’s okay to share it.”

“Thank you, Yuuri,” Victor said, brushing his hair out of his eyes again, only to have it fall down almost immediately.

Yuuri’s heart skipped.

“I really feel okay about telling you about my childhood if you want to hear. I mean, not everything was reported in the news or magazines. If there’s something you want to know, you can ask me. I’ll tell you.”

“O-okay,” Yuuri agreed, “and I’ll tell you what you want to know about me. But…you said that your dream was about your childhood?”

Victor nodded, his fingers smoothing the bedding that covered him.

“I lived in the orphanage since I was a baby and my parents gave me up for adoption, because they didn’t want a child.”

Yuuri bit at his lips, unable to imagine anyone not wanting Victor, especially as a little baby.

“It wasn’t bad at the orphanage,” the Russian continued, “The caretakers were good to us. We had enough to eat, rules to guide us, comfortable clothes and a warm place to sleep. We were taught to rely on each other for bad dreams or little things, but the adults were there for us when we needed them. We were educated at the children’s center by volunteer teachers who were very nice too. We went on outings sometimes, and when I was seven years old, we went ice skating at a nearby rink. A skating coach was there, giving beginner lessons, and he noticed I caught on quickly. He talked to our chaperone, who put him in touch with the manager of the orphanage, and I was assigned to be trained by the coach in figure skating. Because the government encourages development of orphans who have talent, he was able to be paid for my lessons with him, as well as expenses related to any competitions. I began in competitions that were mostly for fun, rather than prestige, but I did well, so the coach began to register me for more challenging events and exhibitions.”

“Right,” Yuuri said, nodding, “I think one of my first memories of seeing you was on a news report about one of the competitions you were in.”

“Those were the ones that were legal,” Victor sighed, “but there was a whole side to being this man’s student that no one talked about. There were underground events and betting that went on as well. And sometimes, the other boys and I were told by our coach to…to make mistakes or to fall down, to affect the outcome. I was still very young, but I knew it was wrong, and I hated it. So, I was rebellious and one night, I decided not to do what he said. I was told to fall, but instead, I did a perfect triple jump and won the competition.”

Yuuri’s eyes widened.

“Was he mad? Did he hurt you?” he asked quickly.

“He couldn’t leave any markings,” Victor said solemnly, “because we were examined regularly, to make sure that we were not being abused. Still, he was so angry, and he had permission to keep me for overnight for an out of town competition that night, so he took me to the ice rink.

Victor’s eyes closed and he shivered as he remembered.

_“You cost me more than the worth of about ten of you!” the man yelled, holding the front of the little boy’s clothes tightly in one fist._

_“I-I’m s-sorry!” Victor gasped, shivering, “I won’t do it again!”_

_“You’re damned right, you won’t,” the coach shouted, throwing him down onto the ice, “Now, you do exactly what I tell you. Skate your program. I want all triples.”_

_Victor stared back at him disbelievingly._

_“We’re not supposed to…”_

_“DO IT!” the man screamed._

_Frightened out of his wits, the little boy rose onto shaky legs and began to skate. He managed the first time through, but was panting with exertion as he finished._

_“Again!” his angry coach barked._

_“But…”_

_“I SAID DO IT AGAIN, YOU LITTLE WORM!”_

_His legs were shaking with fear now, too, so he managed only the first two jumps, then on the third, he crashed down onto the ice. His coach’s face scared him onto his feet quickly and he continued, trying repeatedly to make the difficult jumps and falling nearly every time. Tears began to roll down his face, and he slowed, but his coach’s growling voice warned against him stopping._

_“Keep going! Show me how you will obey me, no matter what!”_

_“P-please,” Victor begged, his teeth chattering and his legs shaking so that he almost fell on a simple spin, “I c-can’t…it hurts!”_

_But he forced himself to continue as the man shouted and taunted him. He continued until his head was swimming and spots danced in front of his eyes. He didn’t stop, until his legs refused to hold him anymore, and he collapsed onto the ice, panting hard and choking on silent sobs. The man came and stood over him, glaring at him coldly._

_“Remember this, you little throwaway,” he snarled, “I own you now. I have permission to take you at any time, and if I can’t use you for the competitions, I can always take you to the underground.”_

_Victor stiffened and sobbed aloud at just the mention of that place._

_“You’ve heard of it, haven’t you?” the man gloated, “You know what they do to little ice fairies like you? You could disappear down there and never be found. I could take you there now to let you see what could happen.”_

_“NO, PLEASE DON’T!” the boy howled._

_“Then…you will never disobey me again?”_

_“N-never!”_

_“Not ever?”_

_“I w-won’t!” Victor gasped, shuddering as the man pulled him to his feet._

_His legs refused to hold him and he collapsed at the man’s feet._

_“Useless.”_

_The little boy scrabbled, trying to lift himself. The man snapped at him and he scrabbled harder, but his body was too drained and he collapsed again._

_“What are you doing to that boy?” another man’s voice shouted._

_The man standing over Victor turned and glared at the intruder._

_“This is a private session,” he said shortly, “Get out, Yakov.”_

_“H-help me!” Victor sobbed desperately, crawling towards the man standing at the edge of the ice._

_“No, you don’t, little one,” his coach said, picking him up and hefting him over his shoulder, “Time to go.”_

_“NO!” Victor sobbed, “Please, please let me go!”_

_“Put the boy down!” Yakov snarled, moving to impede the other coach as he carried the little boy off of the ice._

_“Get out of my way. He’s just upset that I punished him for misbehaving.”_

_“I was watching what you were doing,” Yakov said, crossing his arms, “Now, you will give the boy to me and you will get out of here and have nothing more to do with him or any of the other boys from that orphanage.”_

_“Or what?” Victor’s coach sneered, “You act like you’re mafia or something. Just because you have one famous skater…”_

_Victor gasped as Yakov’s hand shot out and grabbed the other man by the throat. At the same time, his other hand took hold of the little boy and pulled him free._

_“Say one more word and you’ll learn just how connected I am, and to whom,” Yakov hissed, watching as the other coach’s fate went red, then purple, “Now, get out!”_

_His face buried in Yakov’s shoulder, Victor couldn’t see if the other coach left. He clung tightly as Yakov carried him outside and placed him in the front seat of a shining black car. He climbed in on the other side and closed and locked the doors. Victor shivered and wrapped his arms around his little body, waiting for the man to say something._

_“Are you all right? Did he hurt you?” the elder man asked finally._

_“I d-don’t th-think so,” Victor answered in a shaky whisper, “I’m…I just was so tired from what he made me do.”_

_Yakov looked down at him, thinking._

_“You understand that you can’t skate for him anymore, right? I will talk to the people at the orphanage, and he won’t be allowed to touch you.”_

_The man stiffened and stared as another sob escaped the little boy and Victor looked up at him through teary eyes._

_“B-but…I want to keep skating! Please…”_

_Yakov gave him a perplexed look._

_“You want to skate so badly, you would stay with that man who abused you?” he asked warily._

_“I w-will do anything you say. I will be your slave forever if you will j-just…let…me…skate! Please, sir!”_

_Yakov sighed and closed his eyes._

_“I do not take new students just for the asking,” he said sternly, “I am willing to give you the same chance as the other applicants to prove yourself. You will come to the training academy and prepare there for the next six weeks. Then, if you show me that you are serious and that you have the talent and the strength, I will take you as a student. But what happens from now on is dependent on you. Do you understand?”_

_“I understand,” Victor answered, his hands clenching tightly and still shaking visibly, “I will train harder than any student you ever had. No matter what, I will not disappoint you!”_

_“I hope not,” Yakov answered, picking up his phone and looking at the display, “Now, it’s too late to go to the dormitory, so I’ll be letting you spend the night with the woman who will be choreographing your program for the trials. Her name is Lilia. You will call her Ms. Baranovskaya. If you make her angry at you, I guarantee you, you will not be skating for me.”_

Victor looked up and noticed how pale his student’s face had gone. He backpedaled quickly, realizing that maybe he had been a bit too honest in his sharing.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Yuuri. You look upset. I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri assured him, moving closer to him, though being careful to sit on top of the bedding, “I’m glad that you told me.”

Yuuri gave his solemn looking mentor a gentle smile.

“I’ll just bet that Lilia loved you at first sight, didn’t she?”

Victor laughed.

“She loved me. After that, it wouldn’t have mattered if I had failed the trials miserably, although I did win Yakov over in the end, but Lilia saw something in me I didn’t even know. It turns out that long ago, she had been pregnant and lost her child.”

“Oh my god, that’s so sad!” Yuuri said, looking horrified.

“It is,” Victor agreed, “but there was a lot of healing in letting her mother me, and I didn’t have a mother, so I was willing. It worked out for all of us…except maybe for Yakov, because he says all of the time that I aged him fifty years. He never stops complaining, but he is a wonderful coach.”

Victor shook his head and sighed again ruefully.

“I wonder if he’s ever going to speak to me again. He was so mad at me for leaving Russia to come here. He really didn’t want me to go.”

“Yeah?” Yuuri mused, “Well, I’ll just be honest and tell you that I’m glad you came.”

“Are you really, Yuuri?” Victor asked, turning the full weight of those beautiful eyes on him, “You seemed scared to death of me before.”

“Oh,” Yuuri laughed nervously, “that was just because I was so…um…surprised and overwhelmed and…”

_…and trying to get the posters of you down so that I wouldn’t be embarrassed for looking like a stalking creep or something…_

“W-well, I _am_ really glad you came to be my coach, and I’m going to promise you what you promised Yakov. I’ll work harder than any skater you’ve ever known. Whatever it takes, I’ll prove myself to you.”

“Yuuri, you’re so funny,” Victor giggled, making him emit a surprised squawk as the half-naked Russian grabbed him and hugged him ferociously, “Don’t you know, you’ve already proven yourself. Just…hurry and lose that extra weight, okay? Because I can’t wait to start coaching you.”


	16. Humbled Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Yuuri works to lose his extra pounds so Victor will train him, an infuriated Yuri Plisetsky fumes over Victor's exit from skating and from his promises...

It was already late morning when a little tickle of warm breath along his neck and the brush of soft hairs on his cheek brought Yuuri out of the deep slumber he had finally fallen into after being awake for much of the night. He felt a jolt of disorientation as he opened his eyes and found, first, that he was not in his own room, but was instead, curled up in the makeshift bed on the floor in Victor Nikiforov’s guest room. And not only was he lying in the bed with his half naked mentor, Victor was stretched out along his side with his face buried in Yuuri’s shoulder and throat, and his slender arms wrapped around him, hugging him close. Yuuri tensed and loosed a strangled yelp, but managed to stop himself short of launching up towards the ceiling.

_I don’t want to wake him up._

_Oh my god, he…smells so good!_

He stole a glance and was treated to a dizzyingly adorable vision of the Russian legend looking years younger and much more vulnerable as he slept soundly, hugging Yuuri like he couldn’t let go.

_A counselor once told me that it is a sign of deep trust when a person falls asleep in another person’s arms. After all, while one is sleeping, he is completely at the mercy of the one holding him. Of course, Victor is an impulsive person, so he probably didn’t give it much thought, if any at all. Still…_

He gazed down at the painfully beautiful man, his brown eyes darkening aggressively.

_I don’t like to think of someone else looking at him like this…being this close to him…_

The feeling of aggressiveness intensified as Victor gave a sleepy, contented sigh and sank more deeply into his arms.

_I suppose I can’t escape the fact that Victor is the hottest bachelor in the world. He is desired by millions of fans. And every one of them dreams of just this. And, knowing Victor, he loves the attention._

_I…don’t like that._

He felt Victor shiver and realized that the Russian skater had opened his eyes and witnessed the full harshness of Yuuri’s angry gaze. He looked up at Yuuri through widened eyes and Yuuri could feel that his heart was pounding. An image flashed in his mind of Victor’s scared face from the nightmare he had suffered, and it undid what little control he had over himself.

“S-sorry! Sorry!” he yelped, releasing Victor so quickly that the Russian flopped like a ragdoll onto the bed, “I ah…I must’ve…I didn’t…n-nothing happened, okay?”

Victor sat up and ran his fingers through the misbehaving hairs of his silvery bangs as Yuuri stood on shaky legs, backing away from the bed.

“Hmm, it’s okay, Yuuri,” the half-awake Russian reassured his flighty student, “I guess that we were both very tired from being up late and we fell asleep together while we were talking. It’s fine. I’m not upset. Are you?”

“What? Huh? Me, upset?” Yuuri babbled nervously, “No. Why would I be upset?”

“Well, you were looking at me like I’d done something wrong or something. You looked angry. Were you mad at me for not waking you when you fell asleep with me? I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“No!” Yuuri shouted, “I mean…I…ah…you could’ve at least closed the door or something, couldn’t you?”

“But, you were the one who opened the door, Yuuri,” Victor said, remaining calm despite his anxious student’s panicked response, “when you crept into my room last night.”

“I wasn’t _creeping_!” Yuuri objected, blushing as Mari appeared in the doorway, “I heard you make a noise and thought something was wrong.”

“Hey, are you guys okay? I heard shouting.”

“Oh, we’re fine,” Victor assured her, “Yuuri was just surprised because he fell asleep in my bed while we were talking last night,”

“Right,” Mari responded, rolling her eyes, “whatever. Yuuri, Mom wants some help with some things that were just delivered.”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Yuuri said quickly, anxious to escape.

He looked back at Victor, who was still sitting quietly in his bed on the floor and making no attempt to cover himself from either Katsuki sibling’s eyes.

“Victor, would you _please_ put some clothes on?” he complained, “Aren’t we going to go running this morning?”

Victor smiled and nodded, stretching and yawning.

“I’ll be ready when you get back,” he promised.

He watched Yuuri and Mari leave the room, then he rested his face on his hand and looked at Maccachin, who sat atop the bedding, thumping his tail on the bed.

“Yuuri sure wakes up grumpy,” he noted

Maccachin nosed his cheek comfortingly and Victor patted him gently.

“It’s okay,” he chuckled, “At least he’s not as grouchy as Yakov, or even worse, that little pain in the ass, Yuri Plisetsky.”

Far away, in Saint Petersburg, Russia, where he was wearing a scowl and skating in sharp, angry motions, Yuri Plisetsky sneezed.

“Ah---CHOO!”

He sniffed and wiped his nose, almost snarling as he pondered the sudden disappearance of his elder teammate.

“I can’t fucking believe he went to Japan to coach that stupid fat pig, Yuuri Katsuki! Did that bastard completely forget the promise he made to _me_?”

“Oh,” Mila giggled, watching him as he skated, “are you missing Victor?”

“Shut up, hag!” Yuri yelled, “You don’t know anything.”

“I know he went to Japan to chase that cute boy from the Grand Prix Final,” the older girl snickered.

“I said SHUT UP already!”

“He is posting tons of pictures on Instagram,” Georgi said, smirking, “Want to see?”

“NO, I DON’T WANT TO SEE!” Yuri fumed as he turned and furiously threw his slim body into a quad, triple, triple combination jump, “ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSSSSHOLLLLLE!”

Mila slowed and stopped as she drew abreast of where Georgi stood beside the rink.

“He’s taking this awfully hard,” Georgi sighed, shaking his head, “I think he’s angrier about Victor leaving than I was about my girlfriend leaving me.”

“Well,” Mila said, still watching Yuri’s angry skating, “I don’t know if he’s more angry because of Victor leaving and forgetting to give him that program, or if he’s just worried that Victor is going to steal his crush, Yuuri Katsuki.”

“I HEARD THAT, YOU BITCH!” Yuri steamed, throwing himself into another combination jump, “Shut up! I hate that stupid, fat loser and his washed up, old man coach! I don’t need either one of them!”

“That’s a lot of anger,” Georgi mused, giving Mila a wink, “I think you hit the nail right on the head.”

Back in his guest room in Japan, Victor looked up as he finished tying a shoelace and Hiroko tapped on the bedroom door frame, smiling in at him.

“Good morning, Vic-chan!” she said cheerfully, “I came to ask what you’d like to have for breakfast, and are you and Yuuri eating before or after your workout this morning?”

“I think after,” Victor answered, giving her a warm, friendly smile, “If I fill up on your good cooking before, I won’t be able to run even two or three steps.”

He stood and crossed the room, pausing to give surprise her with a little hug.

“Is Yuuri almost done helping you?” he asked.

“Oh yes. He said to tell you, he’ll meet you out front.”

“Right, thank you.”

“Any time, Vic-chan,” Yuuri’s mom giggled.

Victor watched her leave, then he headed out to the front of the inn with Maccachin on his heels. He paused as he reached the courtyard and a few falling snowflakes landed on his hair and face.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay here, Maccachin?” he asked, “It’s a bit cold this morning. It’s fine for bundled up humans, but I don’t know about…well, I guess you are nice and furry.”

He dropped into a squat, wrapping his arms around the old poodle. I’m kind of glad you’re going along, actually. Yuuri is still very nervous around me, even after spending a lot of the night talking. And did you see how mad he was about falling asleep in my bed with me, Macca? For a moment, I thought he was going to start shouting at me or something, but he suddenly switched back to that nervous boy. He’s confusing me. I never know what to expect from him. It makes him interesting, but it’s getting in the way of us accomplishing anything. We have to get through that. Maybe if I understood why he keeps changing personalities right in front of me, I can figure out how to get the one I want to talk to, to come out?”

“Hey Victor,” Yuuri panted, running out the front door of the inn and slamming the door behind him, “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

_Ah, nervous boy Yuuri is back._

“It’s okay,” he assured the Japanese man, smiling charmingly, “I had to get dressed and ready too.”

He paused, staring, as he spotted Mari locking up a bicycle in the courtyard.

“Is that a bicycle?” he asked, forgetting that Yuuri was standing beside him, waiting to leave on their run.

“Um, yeah,” Mari answered, looking at him curiously, “What? You never saw one before?”

“Oh, I’ve seen them,” Victor explained, “but I haven’t ridden one for many years.”

“Well,” Mari chuckled, unlocking the bike and setting it on the kickstand in front of him, “knock yourself out.”

“Really?” Victor asked, brightening, and earning surprised looks from the Katsuki siblings, “I can use this?”

“Um, I thought we were going running,” Yuuri reminded him.

“Oh, but this will be better than running together,” Victor assured him, “I was worried that my stamina for this would be lower because I had surgery so recently.”

“Ah, I forgot about that,” Yuuri realized.

“Maccachin used to love running along as I rode on one of these, years ago, didn’t you, Macca?”

The old poodle yipped and nuzzled Victor affectionately.

“You really think he can keep up now?” Yuuri asked, glancing at the dog.

“Of course he can,” Victor laughed, “He’s still in very good shape for his age, aren’t you, Maccachin?”

Victor climbed onto the bicycle and rang the little bell on the handlebars as he glanced over his shoulder at Yuuri, who was gaping at him wordlessly.

“I’ll start out slow, so you can warm up,” Victor called out.

“Better get moving,” Mari laughed.

“Thanks a lot,” Yuuri said, grimacing as he broke into a run.

He kept up easily at first as Victor peddled along and Maccachin ran just behind. But the Russian skater increased the pace gradually, until Yuuri was panting and unable to say more than a few words in reply to anything he said.

_We’ll have that extra weight off of him in no time!_

He followed the directions Yuuri had given him to get to the Hasetsu ice rink, calling out encouragement to his struggling student and issuing greetings to anyone they passed. Yuuri forced his legs to keep moving, though his chest was heaving and his head spinning by the time that they reached Ice Castle Hasetsu. Victor stopped the bicycle and climbed off, smiling at Yuuri and patting him on the back.

“Good job,” he complimented his anguished student.

He locked up the bicycle and headed into the ice rink with Maccachin following and Yuuri dragging himself along.

“Good morning!” Victor called out to Yuko and Takeshi, who stared at him in surprised silence as Victor went on.

“I’m Victor Nikiforov. Nice to meet you. I’ll be Yuuri’s new coach now.”

“What?” the couple shouted together, “You’re going to be Yuuri’s coach?”

Yuuri barely had time to catch his breath before Victor dragged him inside and the Russian sat down on a bench to put on his skates.

“You rest for a little while and do some stretches,” Victor advised Yuuri, “I’m going to do a little practice.”

 _I haven’t been on the ice since worlds,_ Victor mused inwardly as he tied his skates in place and stood, _I’m actually not supposed to be on skates for six months, but I feel really good. I will just do some gentle motions, nothing too jarring. I rode the bike all right, after all. The birthing passage has closed and I’ve stopped bleeding…and the incision from the surgery has healed. I’m sure it will be all right. It’s not as though it was a normal c-section. Yume was still very, very small._

He felt a twinge of sadness as he began to sail across the ice with no music playing.

_The last time I touched the ice, I was still dreaming of this future that Yume and I had. That future is gone now, and I don’t know what is going to happen. I came to Japan to follow an impulsive urge, but I don’t know where it will lead. I don’t know anything right now, except that the ice…_

_…it feels like home…_

He wasn’t sure quite how it happened. He certainly didn’t intend to begin, but he suddenly found himself skating the moves he had while dreaming of his daughter growing up. Then, he heard the music that had started to play in the ice rink, and he felt the eyes that were watching him.

_I can’t tell Yuuri about her yet. I just can’t be that honest, when Yuuri won’t even acknowledge that we went to bed together. He’s not ready. But this program, this series of moves, this song…it says everything, doesn’t it?_

_A million dreams._

_That’s what we had, wasn’t it, Yume? You wanted to come here as much as I wanted you to be here. We reached out to each other, and even though you were only ever inside me, I shared this world, this place, this life with you, if only for a short time. I don’t regret a moment…not one moment, I promise you. Every day, I still think about all of the things that I wanted to share with you, all of the things I wanted you to experience with me. I wish that you could have come to Japan with me, that I could have told Yuuri that he was going to be a father. I wish that I’d been able to see him first surprised and scared and then amazed and happy._

_He would have been happy._

_Well, he would have freaked out a lot, and then he would have been scared and then happy. I would have skated this with him. I would have told him all of the things I was feeling, all of the hopes that I had about your future, and I would have listened to his hopes and dreams for your future too._

A thin shaft of searing pain broke him out of his reverie, and he caught himself landing after a triple jump.

_Oh, that probably wasn’t a good idea._

He continued to skate, but he risked a glance at Yuuri and the Nishigoris, who were watching with him. They stared raptly, and Victor could see there were tears in Yuuri’s brown eyes.

_He’s just not ready for any of this, is he?_

Victor slowed and came to a stop in front of them.

“V-victor?” Yuuri said in a slightly shaking voice, “What was that program? I mean, I know all of the ones you’ve performed for your competitions, and that one…”

“It is a practice program,” Victor lied, “I just…”

“Does it have a name?” Yuuri asked.

Victor froze for a moment, seeing clearly in his mind the beautiful young woman that he was sure their daughter would have become.

“I call it…Yume,” he answered.

“Well, you should perform it and you’d have that next world championship in the bag, that’s for damned sure,” Takeshi said, shaking his head.

“It was beautiful,” Yuuri said appreciatively, his hand sneaking up to brush away the moisture at the corners of his eyes, “but…you gave it a Japanese name? Why?”

Victor hesitated for only a moment.

“Because it was a dream I had in Japan.”

Yuuri stared back at him in silence for a moment, then he blinked and shook his head in realization.

“Oh right. You’ve been here a lot for competitions…”

“Yes.”

“Hey Victor, shouted Yuko’s triplets, breaking the tension of the moment, “Will you do your free skate?”

“Oh, I don’t think that…” Yuuri began.

“C’mon, c’mon, please, please, please?” the triplets pleaded.

“Well,” Victor chuckled, “I suppose…”

He took his place out at center ice, while Yuuri and the others watched and the triplets took snapshots. He didn’t intend to make the quad jumps, but something about the enthusiasm of the three little girls teased him into trying, and despite the jabs of pain, he managed the jumps perfectly.

_God, I needed this. Maybe my body isn’t ready, just like Yuuri isn’t ready, but my heart needed to be here again, on the ice._

Another jab of pain made him wince and he wobbled a little on his next jump. Well aware of the danger of continuing, he broke out of his routine and teased Yuuri, who was looking about as ice-hungry as Victor thought a person could look without giving in and diving onto the ice.

“You’re not setting foot on the ice until you drop some weight, little piggy!” he called out cheerfully, making the triplets burst into laughter.

Victor made his way off of the ice, moving more gingerly as he sat to take off his skates. Yuuri sat down next to him.

“Hey, are you all right?” he asked.

“What? I’m fine,” Victor lied, “Why do you ask?”

“W-well, you’re not moving as smoothly as you usually do. I mean…”

“Are you watching me that closely, Yuu-ri?” Victor snickered, giving him a charming wink that unsettled the Japanese man so he stopped talking, “Come on. Now that you’ve rested, we have more exercising to do.”

Yuuri followed as Victor led him back to the bike and the Russian climbed on and headed off for the nearby park, where they planned to continue their work.

_Something’s not quite right with Victor. I can tell. I wonder what’s going on with him. He’s acting pretty strange…although strange and surprising is very much his style._

_Still, I just feel like something’s wrong._

_I wonder what I need to do to get Victor to tell me what it is._


	17. Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri get to know each other better as a little storm named Yuri Plisetsky heads towards Japan to confront Victor about a forgotten promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the Christina Aguilera song of the same name. :)

Victor watched, calling out intermittent words of encouragement and praise from the top of a long set of stone steps as Yuuri huffed and puffed his way to the top, then turned and started back down again.

_Yuuri is doing well as far as building his strength and stamina and losing weight, but unfortunately, I seem to be making little progress in getting him to open up to me. I don’t recall ever having so much trouble connecting with someone when I wanted to, but…Yuuri is different._

He continued to work at it as Yuuri finished the step exercises and they moved on to a park bench. Victor sat down on the bench, while his training student used the other end to practice launching himself up into the air and landing. He tried again to get a conversation going.

“So, do you have feelings for Minako?” he asked conversationally.

“What? No!” Yuuri objected.

“Do you have a lover now?”

“Eh…no.”

“How about ex-lovers?”

“Erm…I don’t really wanna talk about it,” Yuuri mumbled, blushing.

_Ah, no lovers…_

“Okay, then let’s talk about me,” Victor offered, “My first lover…”

“Sto-op!” Yuuri squawked, his flush darkening.

Victor sighed in exasperation and dropped his chin onto one hand, looking off into the distance.

_Damn it, we are getting nowhere!_

But just as he was beginning to feel genuinely discouraged, his eye landed on the castle at the top of the nearby hill.

“Hey Yuuri, what is that building over there?” he asked, reaching for anything that would get his shy student talking.

“Oh, that’s Hasetsu’s castle,” Yuuri informed him, “It’s really just a façade with a ninja house inside.”

Victor’s eyes widened and he stood and took a closer look.

“Really? Ninjas?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri chuckled, acting as though a house full of ninjas was the most normal thing in the world.

Victor dashed away, towards the castle, leaving Yuuri looking befuddled for a moment before he shook his head and followed. The excited Russian snapped several photos, then had Yuuri take one.

“Here, let me see,” Victor exclaimed, “I want to see!”

_I was trying so hard to start a conversation that I forgot to even look around me. Japan has so many things that I’ve never seen or experienced, and one of the things I can do to encourage Yuuri to have more confidence is to put him in a position to share things with me about his life, his home, here in Hasetsu._

After that, it seemed all too easy to get Yuuri talking. In addition to exercising, they spent the next several days running, walking or biking to nearby places, where Yuuri pointed out his favorite sights and filled his coach in on all of the curious details and local superstition about the places. The two had just finished visiting a local shrine, when Victor paused, breathing in deeply. Yuuri gave him a curious look, then he smiled.

“Oh, you must smell what they’re cooking at _Haru and Mako’s_ ,” he realized, “It’s just at the end of the block. They have the best seafood in Hasetsu, but they’re pretty expensive.”

“Wow! That sounds great. Let’s go, Yuuri!” Victor exclaimed, grabbing his hand.

“V-victor, just like that?”

“Do we need a reservation or something?” Victor asked, pulling him along.

“Um, no, but…ah…weren’t we…?”

“Let’s go here now, Yuuri.”

“B-but isn’t it still a little early for lunch?”

“I’m hungry now,” Victor insisted, “and it smells so good! I can’t wait. Let’s go.”

The delicious smells only got better as the two jogged down the street to the restaurant. As they entered, a young woman met them at the front door and bowed politely.

“Welcome to Haru and Mako’s,” she greeted them in Japanese, “How many will be in your group?”

“Just the two of us,” Yuuri answered in English, “Do you have a table facing the water?”

“Yes, yes. Come right this way,” the hostess answered, switching to English.

The two were quickly seated and Victor immediately began poring over the pictures on the menu, while Yuuri translated the words for him. After ordering, they sat, enjoying the view out the window and drinking hot green tea.

“So, have you been here very often?” Victor asked, sipping his tea.

“Eh, no, not really,” Yuuri mumbled, “Like I said, it’s pretty expensive, so we only go to a place like this for a special occasion…and I haven’t been home in five years, so…”

“Oh, right,” Victor answered, “Wow, everything looks so good, I don’t know what to try first.”

He lingered over the choices for several more minutes before making his selections, then he watched, smiling, as Yuuri ordered for the two of them. As he finished, he noticed that Victor’s teacup had been emptied, and his coach was reaching for the teapot. Victor blinked in surprise as Yuuri’s cool hand touched his to stop him.

“What?” Victor asked curiously, “Did I do something wrong? Am I supposed to wait for the meal or something?”

“No,” Yuuri explained, “It’s just customary that one should never fill his own glass, even if he is hosting. Please, allow me.”

“Of course,” the Russian answered, smiling.

Yuuri poured his coach a fresh cup of tea, then nodded approvingly as Victor returned the gesture.

“Thank you,” the Russian said gratefully, “There is a lot that’s different, here in Japan. It’s great to be educated by a native.”

“It’s…kind of fun being able to share everything with you,” Yuuri responded, his cheeks flushing slightly, “You know, it would be great for me to learn a little more about Russia too.”

Victor dropped his chin onto one hand, looking back at Yuuri steadily.

“What do you want to know?” he asked.

“Erm, I dunno,” Yuuri chuckled, “Just tell me something you do that’s different.”

The arrival of their meal interrupted their conversation, and there were several long minutes of Victor chattering excitedly about how good the food smelled and tasted. When he had finally settled down, Yuuri steered him back to their earlier conversation.

“You were going to tell me something you do that’s different because you’re from Russia?” he prompted his coach.

“Oh right,” Victor laughed, “I was so distracted by the food, I forgot.”

“It doesn’t take much,” Yuuri snickered under his breath.

“What was that?”

“Oh nothing. Tell me something that’s different in Russia.”

“Hmm,” Victor mumbled around a bite of food, “well, in Russia, before we leave from the house, it’s customary to sit down and be quiet for a minute or two before we go.”

“Oh really? What’s the reason for that?”

Victor laughed softly.

“I don’t really know. I don’t know who does, but it’s just a custom. Some say it’s to pray for safety in our travels and some say it’s so you can think carefully if you have done and packed everything.”

“And you do this before you go anywhere?” Yuuri asked.

“I do,” Victor affirmed, “I’m so forgetful that it’s important for me to take the time to really think before I go anywhere. I wouldn’t want to forget something important, like Maccachin!”

“What?” Yuuri objected, looking slightly panicked, “You’ve forgotten your dog?”

“Got you!” Victor teased, “Of course I’ve never forgotten Macca. I was just kidding.”

“Oh right,” Yuuri chuckled, “That’s funny.”

The two young men finished their meal, then they headed back to Yuutopia Katsuki, walking along the sandy beach and talking more quietly.

“You know, it is very different here than in Russia,” Victor related, “It is a lot quieter, and everyone in this village seems to know everyone. Saint Petersburg is bigger, so it can’t quite be like that, but…there are still places that are peaceful. I do love going to the beaches there too.”

“I can see that you love the ocean,” Yuuri observed.

“I do,” Victor affirmed, “My life is very full with training and competition. There are always conferences and news reports, sometimes magazine shoots. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed sometimes. But coming here to the beach and listening to the slow, steady sound of the surf…it lets me breathe that way…just more slowly, and it lets me recharge and get ready for the next day.”

Yuuri smiled.

“And what does the legendary Victor Nikiforov think about when he’s sitting on the beach in Saint Petersburg alone and daydreaming?”

Victor smirked.

“Do you want me to give you the answer I would give a reporter asking the same question? Or do you really want to know what is in my head?”

Yuuri gave him a curious look.

“How about both?” he asked softly.

Victor felt a little inward twinge as he moved closer to Yuuri to answer.

“I would tell the reporter…”

“That you often think of strategies for the next competition or sometimes new program material or music,” Yuuri supplied.

Victor laughed and his ocean colored eyes twinkled merrily.

“That’s very good,” he complimented his student, “That sounds like exactly what I would say if I was asked this by a reporter, but seeing as how you know me so well…”

“But, I don’t!” Yuuri objected.

“Sure you do,” Victor chided him teasingly, “I’ve been here almost a week and I have been nothing but willing to tell you anything you wanted to know…though you really haven’t asked me much of anything. Except your question earlier about what things we do differently in Russia. So, go ahead, Yuuri. See if you can figure it out. I’m curious what you will say. What do you think goes through my mind when I’m standing on a quiet beach, alone, in Russia?”

Yuuri stopped and turned to face the water, closing his eyes and listening to the steady ebb and flow of the incoming waves. He was quiet for several long minutes as he considered. Victor waited silently, looking out at the water, but stealing little glimpses of his thoughtful student’s attractive profile.

“Hmm, I think that maybe the legendary Victor Nikiforov is grateful for the times when no one is looking at him and expecting him to be someone different than who he is.”

“Really?”

Yuuri kept his eyes closed and nodded.

“I think it’s not that he doesn’t love the attention that he gets, it’s just that having so many eyes watching him all of the time can cause pressure, because he must always be polite to everyone and he must perform well in competition and look beautiful no matter what…although looking beautiful doesn’t really ever seem to be a problem for…”

“You really think I’m beautiful, Yuuri?” Victor interrupted.

Yuuri’s brown eyes flew open and he gave Victor a startled look.

“What? I didn’t…” he stammered, “I mean I…!”

“It’s okay,” Victor laughed, mussing his flustered student’s hair and turning away, “You don’t have to…”

“Of course I think you’re beautiful,” Yuuri answered more loudly, his hands clenching at his sides and shaking very slightly, “Who doesn’t?”

Victor stopped and turned back, smiling brightly.

“Okay then, here’s what we will do now,” he directed Yuuri, as though it was another skating lesson, “We will each tell each other what is beautiful about them.”

“That’s not fair!” Yuuri yelped, “I already…”

“You admitted that you find me beautiful,” Victor explained, “Now, I want you to tell me _what_ is beautiful about me, and I will tell you what is beautiful about you. That’s fair, right? We do need to get to know each other better, don’t we, Yuuri?”

“Well, yes, sure, but…”

“Then, this will help us to do that,” Victor concluded, “Go on, then, or do you want me to go first?”

“Uh…” Yuuri said uncertainly, “um, I guess I’ll go first.”

“All right,” Victor agreed.

Yuuri drew in a shaky breath, thinking carefully.

“There is no denying that Victor is a beautiful man,” he said softly, his voice carrying lightly on the breeze, “It doesn’t matter what clothes he wears or if his hair is brushed or tumbled, long or short. It doesn’t matter if he’s smiling or if he looks thoughtful. It’s just hard to look away from his physical beauty.”

“Wow!”

“But, that’s just the outer beauty,” Yuuri went on, “Inside, Victor is a mystery to everyone. People ask what is going on inside him and he gives them answers, but something in his eyes that are the color of the ocean, tells me that, like the sea, Victor’s heart is so deep and so full that he could never put all of his thoughts and feelings into words. This is why he is so creative. Victor makes beautiful programs that let out little pieces of his heart, so that he can share that beautiful heart with the world.”

Victor swallowed hard, blinking and feeling a tightening in his throat as Yuuri went on.

“But, I think that the most beautiful thing about Victor is his skating. It’s how all of the emotion and the love and the light flow out of him and fill even the largest arena. It’s how that light sinks down into everyone watching and for the time while he’s skating, everything else disappears.”

Yuuri stopped talking and stared at Victor’s hand that had risen to clench slightly at his breast, over his heart.

“Victor, what…?”

“Sorry,” the Russian apologized, smiling ruefully and blushing, which made Yuuri blush an even darker pink, “Yuuri just surprised me.”

“Why is it surprising?” Yuuri asked, “It’s just what anyone can see. But, it’s your turn now.”

“Right,” Victor agreed, turning to look at the rushing waves, “What do I think is beautiful about Yuuri?”

“Yeah.”

“I think Yuuri is cute,” Victor answered, “most especially when he is drunk.”

“When have _you_ seen me drunk?” Yuuri objected.

“The Grand Prix Final banquet?” Victor reminded him.

Yuuri’s blush came roaring back, making Victor giggle.

“Oh god, can you not remind me of that?” Yuuri moaned.

“All right,” Victor relented, “I also think that Yuuri is a mystery inside. God knows it’s been terribly difficult for me to get close enough to see what’s inside.”

“Victor!”

“But,” Victor said, placing a warm hand on Yuuri’s soft cheek and looking into his widened eyes, “when Yuuri skates, the way he moves is so beautiful, and it lets out all of the things that he doesn’t let anyone see the rest of the time. Yuuri on the ice is passionate and confident.”

“As long as he’s not falling on every other jump because he’s anxious,” Yuuri sighed.

“The most beautiful thing about Yuuri,” Victor went on, “is his skating.”

“Really?”

“Mmhmm. It’s like Yuuri has been tracing the path of my blades for most of his life, trying so hard to reach out for me. Doing that has taught him to look past what everyone else sees, and to really see me. Maybe Yuuri is often flustered and he doesn’t like everything about me, but his dedication to working so hard and following in my footsteps make me feel…like I wasn’t so alone all of that time.”

He heard Yuuri give a little laugh and turned his head to look at the Japanese skater questioningly.

“When has Victor ever needed to feel alone?” Yuuri asked, “I don’t think, except for the hot spring when you arrived, that I have ever even seen Victor alone anywhere.”

“Except for that ni—” Victor began.

Yuuri seemed to realize suddenly that he had overstepped some boundary and he backpedaled, reaching up to cover his mouth with his hands.

“S-sorry! I’m sorry!” he managed, “I didn’t mean to be rude. I guess everyone gets lonely sometimes, even with other people. Victor may be a skating legend, but he is still a real person, and real people sometimes get lonely.”

“Yes,” Victor agreed, smiling sadly, “they do. But, I confess I am not lonely at all since I have come to Hasetsu. Your family has been so welcoming and it is good getting to know you better, Yuuri.”

“Really?” Yuuri asked, blushing.

“Yes, really,” Victor chuckled, taking his hand, “Come now, let’s get back home.”

The two were quiet as they returned to Yuutopia Katsuki, where they took a long soak in the hot spring before relaxing in the bar area and watching television together. After dinner and more conversation, Victor bid Yuuri and his family goodnight and walked back to his guest room, where he crawled into bed, feeling sleepy, but with too full of a mind to settle down. He laid on his back with his hands behind his head, looking up at the ceiling and replying their conversation at the beach.

_I wonder if I should have told him._

_There was a moment when I thought about that, but I hesitated and the moment got away from me. One part of me thinks that Yuuri needs to know about our daughter, and the other part of me says that he’s not ready to hear it. I wonder if there will ever be a right time…if I will ever feel ready to tell him._

_It’s unfair that I am accepting the hospitality of Yuuri and his family, and I am asking so much of him as a skater and as a person, yet I am holding back something that belongs to him too. Sometimes, I think I just don’t want to hurt him, but I suppose I’m being selfish._

Victor smiled as he drifted towards sleep and he left his worries to go back to their conversation again.

_Yuuri really thinks I am beautiful. And he doesn’t just notice what is on the outside He also loves what’s inside, and he sees it more clearly than other people do. All those years of tracing my path and paying attention to every detail have given Yuuri perspective that other people lack. With Yuuri by my side, I feel understood. I feel cared for._

_I feel…loved._

He turned and curled his body around Maccachin, who had slipped into the room unnoticed and hopped up, onto the bed.

“Oh, you’re not abandoning me to go and sleep with Yuuri, eh?” he snickered, kissing the old poodle on one floppy ear, “Goodnight, Maccachin.”

He closed his eyes and fell asleep with a little smile on his face, completely unaware of the little whirlwind that was heading for Japan…yes, that whirlwind named Yuri Plisetsky that was about to turn everything in Victor’s world upside down.


	18. Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor's world is turned upside down with the arrival of the force of nature known as Yuri Plisetsky.

Yuuri woke to the oddest feeling of mingled arousal and concern, and he wasn’t sure, but he thought he might have heard a whimper. He looked around, but found that Maccachin had left his usual spot on the bed.

_He probably went back to Victor._

He closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, only to think a few moments later, that he heard the little distressed whimpering again. Frowning, he climbed out of his bed and left his room, trying to keep his bare feet silent as he crept along to Victor’s bedroom door. The sliders had been left a little open for Maccachin to pass through, so Yuuri was able to peek in. As he did, he heard Victor’s voice sound in a soft, weary sob.

“Y-yume?”

_Yume?_

_That word again…like the name of that practice program he was doing. Is it more than just a word to him? Could it be a person? Is this someone he knows from Japan? Maybe an old girlfriend? I know he dated girls before._

He stood, silently watching as Victor shifted and a shaft of light coming in through the window illuminated a tear as it rolled down the sleeping Russian’s cheek.

_If it was a girlfriend, maybe it ended badly. It seems like he’s in pain over it. But…it’s private unless Victor decides to tell me about it._

“Yuuri?”

Yuuri startled at the sound of his sister’s voice, then he saw that Victor was awake and sitting up in the bed.

_Naked!_

_Don’t think about what’s under the blanket right now._

“Yuuri!”

“Sorry, what?” Yuuri yelped, turning away and trying with all of his might not to look as though he’d been spying on his handsome _and naked_ coach.

“Since you’re up, I need some help with the stove. It’s acting up again and you’re better than me at fixing it.”

“Oh…yeah, sure.”

He felt Victor’s eyes following as he continued past the Russian skater’s guest room.

Inside the guest room, Victor pulled Maccachin up against him and smirked, shaking his head.

“What was with that?” he mused, “Yuuri was watching me sleep? That’s so cute, isn’t it? Isn’t Yuuri the cutest?”

Victor giggled and stretched, then he reached over and picked up his cell phone. He studied the notifications and clicked on one.

“It looks like Chris is in great shape for this season,” he commented, “ah, but he said he’ll be bored to death without me to compete against. Hmm, I think he’s too quick to think that Yuuri won’t be able to challenge him. I wonder if we’ll be assigned to any of the same events Chris is. I sure hope so.”

He spotted a voicemail notification and grinned.

“Lilia! She’s probably going to scold me for not calling her sooner,” he snickered.

He pressed the button to call into his voicemail and played back the message.

“ _Vitya, why haven’t you called yet?_ ”

Victor laughed softly and winked at Maccachin.

“Told you.”

“ _Yakov is still not speaking to you, but he asked me to pass on a message we received about the ashes that were being sent to you from the hospital in Japan. They have arrived, and we need to know what you would like us to do. Is there something you want besides the ashes in the urn? Call me back and let me know what to tell the old fool._ ”

Victor held his breath for a moment and closed his eyes, thinking.

_I do have an idea._

He conducted a quick search through his contacts and touched one of the numbers to dial it. After a few rings a man’s sleepy voice answered in Russian.

“Grigory.”

“Hey, Grigory, this is Vitya.”

“Vitya!” the man on the other end of the phone exclaimed, “Why are you calling me so late? Is something wrong?”

Victor laughed.

“Oh, sorry,” he apologized, “I keep forgetting about the time difference, “I can call back another time.”

“It’s okay. It’s no problem,” his friend reassured him, “How are you doing? I heard you ran away to Japan to coach someone?”

“Yes, I’m coaching Yuuri Katsuki, here. But I have something I want to have made. I was wondering if you could do it.”

“What is it you want? Something glittery to add to next season’s costume? Something shiny for the Japanese boy?”

Victor smiled sadly.

“Well, I have a sentimental piece I want. You see, someone quite important to my student and I recently passed away.”

“Not Maccachin!” Grigory said in an alarmed tone.

“No, no, no,” Victor reassured the man, “Maccachin is fine. He’s here with me right now. It’s…someone else, but the piece I want is sentimental.”

“All right, what metal?”

“Gold, but I am having a small amount of ashes sent to you and I would like you to put them inside the piece…in the core. Can you make two small golden skates that separate? You know, like those friendship pendants?”

“Of course, of course. That’s no problem. Do you want anything inscribed on the pieces?”

“Yes,” Victor answered, “On the bottom or the back of the pendant, inscribe in English the name _Yume_ , capital Y-u-m-e.”

“Y-u-m-e.” Grigory repeated, “I’ve got it. Where would you like it sent when it’s done?”

Victor gave the jeweler the address, then he ended the call and sat down on the bed holding his phone in his lap and reaching over to pet Maccachin with his other hand, his eyes sad.

_Maybe this will make me feel more ready to tell Yuuri about her. I can give the pendant to him before we start the Grand Prix Series competitions…as a sign of our mutual commitment to his hopes to win the Grand Prix Finals._

_Yes._

_That would be a perfect gift._

_I just…wonder how he’ll take it. Will he be angry with me for not saying anything from the start? But, I don’t see how he would be angry when he left without ever speaking to me after we were together the night we made her. I still don’t know why he left without speaking to me. I haven’t had the courage to ask him, or to get into all of this mess regarding what I am. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it. He hasn’t confronted me about being an omega. Maybe he wants to let it go. But…given Yume’s death…he really should be told._

_God, this is tearing me apart inside._

He took a long, shaky breath and let it go slowly. Sudden tears burned in the corners of his eyes.

_I keep putting it off, maybe because it all feels too real when I start to think about telling him._

“Victor, are you…okay?”

_I really need to shut that door._

He turned his head away as Yuuri lingered in the doorway, shifting nervously.

“S-sorry, I was just going back to my room, and I…”

“It’s okay,” Victor lied, “I was just…”

“Was it about the bad dream you were having earlier?” Yuuri asked, startling Victor all over again, “Sorry if it seems like I’m butting in, but I heard you talking and looked in, and you seemed like you were having a bad dream.”

_Oh no!_

He forced a wavering smile.

“Oh that,” he said, brushing it off, “It was nothing. And don’t worry about anything else. I was just on the phone with my old ballet instructor and she got me thinking of how Yakov stopped talking to me, so…I was a little depressed about that.”

Yuuri gave him a look of alarm.

“Your coach was that mad at you? He stopped talking to you?”

“Yes.”

“But Yakov has been your coach for a really long time! I know he’s like a father to you.”

Yuuri paused, then a look of guilt overtook his face.

“Of course he’d be angry, though. I dragged you away from your own training.”

“Yuuri, I told you not to worry about that. I know what I need to be doing right now, and I can’t do that if I’m training.”

Yuuri’s look of guilt turned into agony.

“But…you’re…”

“ _Nyet_!” Victor snapped sharply, making Yuuri blink in surprise and take a step back, “I told you that I wanted to come here. I want to train you this season. That was my choice and not you nor Yakov has anything to say about it. Leave it alone, Yuuri. All I want is for you to concentrate on losing those extra pounds so that we can start skating. Do you understand?”

“Y-yes!” Yuuri stammered, “Of course.”

“Good,” Victor said, standing, “Then, let’s go and start your exercise.”

“I’m ready,” Yuuri answered gamely.

“Good.”

Yuuri started to say more, only to be interrupted as Mari’s voice called out from the hallway.

“Hey, Yuuri! Mom needs help bringing in the morning shipment and there are a few things I can’t lift. Can you get them before you and Victor leave?”

Victor smiled.

“I’ll tell you what. You go help out, weigh in and if you are down to your last pre-Grand Prix Final weight, then meet me at the ice rink. If not, call me and we can go work out some more, okay?”

“Okay,” Yuuri sighed, heading off to the kitchen.

Victor smiled down at Maccachin.

“Come on, let’s jog today. I’m feeling pretty good.”

They left the inn and started out at an easy pace, heading down the street and over the nearby bridge. He felt no pain at first, but felt flickers as he reached the far side of the bridge. He slowed then to walk the rest of the way.

_I know it’s supposed to take six weeks to be ready to ease back in, but I’ve been feeling so good. Maybe today is just an off day. I’m feeling depressed and hurting physically a little. I’ll just take it easy._

Maccachin followed him up the steps and into the ice rink, slowing as they encountered a crowd of people in the entry area.

“Look at him! He’s so beautiful!” a woman squealed, making the Russian legend color slightly and smile.

“Good morning!” he called out cheerfully, passing by the crowd and into the ice rink.

He greeted Yuko and the triplets, then sat down on a bench to put on his skates.

_Yuuri was pretty close to that weight goal already. Maybe he’ll reach it today and we can really start working on his programs. For the short program, I should probably just have him perform my Eros or Agape program._

He finished with his skates and walked slowly to the rink entrance, heading onto the ice, wearing a thoughtful expression.

_Damn it._

_I couldn’t decide before whether I should use the Eros program or the Agape program for myself, when I was planning to compete. It was almost a relief not to have to answer that question. But now, the question is…which program should I give Yuuri to perform? As an Alpha, I would normally suggest he should do the Agape program, because such a thing would be surprising...but Yuuri doesn’t act like an alpha, so it might actually be the opposite for him. Maybe he should perform the Eros program._

_Or…_

_…maybe I should make an entirely new program? Ugh! But I am so lacking in motivation, I don’t know what to do. I wouldn’t know where to begin, and I really need to get Yuuri started learning a short program immediately. He needs a high difficulty program to help him maximize the potential that I saw him display in that viral video._

_I can give him that._

_Either program, Eros or Agape could be the answer. I just have to decide which would surprise the audience more. I’m thinking maybe Eros? Because although Yuuri is an alpha, he doesn’t have the obvious confidence of one. You don’t feel the advance of his pheromones the way that you do with most alphas. His radiance is more of a quiet one…one that you don’t get hit in the face with, but it still grabs you._

_Gods, how do I even decide this?_

_What have I gotten myself into?_

He began to skate slowly, warming his body up carefully. It bolstered him to find that the nagging pain he’d felt earlier had disappeared, and he took advantage of the short respite to start skating the Eros program. His lips frowning as he visualized Yuuri in different costumes, performing the powerful alpha moves of the program, he worked through the opening and a choreographed sequence, then having forgotten that it was still not advisable for him to be doing it, he added the triple axel.

Immediately, the nagging pain in his abdomen reared up and his breath caught as he landed.

_Ugh._

He bit his lip gently and moved more cautiously through the step sequence.

_Hmm, yes, that’s it. I can see Yuuri picking up a lot of performance points with the more difficult steps. And Yuuri is known for his powerful step sequences and spins. This will work nicely with his current strong points. We can worry about the jumps later. I know he can do the quad toe loop with decent consistency and his triple axel seems well controlled too. I’ll incorporate those two jumps, then maybe a triple toe loop to go with the quad toe loop? Yuuri has stamina, so he could save the jumps for the second half of the program._

_Hmm, but that other jump…_

_Maybe a triple flip? A triple lutz? It needs to get him some points, because other skaters in the competitions will have two quads in the short program. I’m not completely sure that the increased PCS from the more difficult step sequence will bridge the gap._

Victor sighed thoughtfully as he finished the run-through and he took the opening position again. He went through the program more quickly this time, and he was pleased that the pain he’d felt earlier didn’t return, even as he landed the Eros program’s triple axel.

_Maybe I just needed to warm up more._

He had moved into the choreographed sequence and was deep in thought when the door to the rink slammed open and Yuri Plisetsky’s rough, angry voice lashed out at him.

“HEY VICTOR! You have time for a little chat?”

In the split second Victor’s head turned and his blue-green eyes landed on the angry young man and the more flustered looking one beside him, the Russian legend felt a hard throbbing in his head and saw a flash vision of the two of them transformed.

He saw Yuri Plisetsky in pure colors, perhaps white and glittery silver, his usually angry features transformed into the wide-eyed, innocent vision of Agape. Yuuri Katsuki appeared in his mind, dressed in darker colors and looking back at him with seductive narrowed brown eyes. The feeling was so overwhelming it took him a moment to recover enough to answer.

“Yuri!” he exclaimed, breaking into a wide, friendly smile, “I didn’t know you were here. I’m surprised Yakov let you come. You want something?”

He was a little stymied by the hard, furious growl he received in reply.

“Well, that’s not a happy face. Let me guess. You’re here because I forgot to do something I said I would do?” he inquired.

_Did I forget a promise I made or something?_

“Of course you did, stupid!” Yuri snapped, “You fucking promised that if I won the junior worlds without using any quad jumps, that you would design a goddamned program just for me!”

Victor blinked in surprise, then he thought more deeply and loosed a sheepish laugh as he ran his fingers through his hair.

“Oh right! That. I’m sorry, I forgot about that, but you know how forgetful I am.”

“Yeah,” Yuri snarled, grimacing, “I’m painfully aware.”

He stomped an angry foot and bore down on Victor, making him take a step back.

“But I’m holding you to your promise! You’re going to give me that program!”

Victor felt as though the floor dropped out from underneath him as Yuri Plisetsky’s next words reached him.

“WE’RE GOING BACK TO RUSSIA!”

_No._

_There is no way in hell._

_If I go back there, I really will die._


	19. Family Ties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor plans for the competition between the two Yuris.

Victor’s brow furrowed thoughtfully and he rubbed his chin for a moment as he considered. He was sure there was no way in hell he was going back to Russia, but at the same time, having seen that flash image of the two Yuris performing the Eros and Agape programs touched him with a feeling of fate, not to mention a healthy dose of the inspiration that he had recently been so sorely lacking.

_It is insane how much sense this makes! Yuuri is an alpha in omega clothing, just needing to build confidence like that which oozes from the Eros program. Yuri is a beta with an alpha-like exterior, and a reputation for being a hothead. Yet, just the hint of him wearing pale colors and an innocent expression sets my heart pounding! Yes, there has to be a way to capitalize on this…and to not have to go back to Russia._

Victor straightened and his eyes narrowed.

_Yuko said that Yuuri doesn’t like to lose. He is competitive, and he was so desirous of having me come to Hasetsu, that (okay, yes, he was drunk and destroyed after crashing so badly in the Grand Prix Final, but even though he had to get drunk to have the courage, he still did it, right?) he danced to lure me, then he danced with me to seduce me. The night we had together, Yume, my coming here…all of that was driven to happen by Yuuri’s deep desire for me to be here and to stay here. He will do anything it takes to keep me here._

_Then, there is Yuri._

_He is perpetually angry, demanding and fierce in going after what he wants. In this case, what he wants is for me to hand him a program that is going to capture his natural ability and allow him to shine in the upcoming competitions. He knows that I have the skill in choreography that he needs, but can’t do, himself. It’s a bitter admission that he must depend on anyone like that, least of all a rival, but he is determined to surprise the audience and earn a medal in the competition his first time out._

_There is a way._

_There is something that I can do that…_

“Okay, I’ve got it!” Victor said, grinning, “I’m going to develop two programs, one for each of you, using portions of the same song.”

“What?” Yuuri yelped.

“Huh, me the same song as this guy. Are you fucking kidding me?” shouted Yuri.

“Now, now, don’t worry,” Victor soothed the two, “It’s the same song, but two different arrangements. I’d been trying to decide which one of them to use. I will teach you the moves and you will reveal the programs in one week at a private competition that I will arrange. The two of you will compete to see who can surprise the audience more.”

“What? A competition?” Yuuri mused anxiously, “Is that really necessary?”

“What’s the matter, little piggy? Are you afraid? You should be. I’m going to crush you!” Yuri sneered.

Victor started to step in between the two, but blinked in surprise and stopped as Yuko’s triplets jumped into the fray.

“If you wanna have a competition in _our_ town, then you’d better let us in on the action!” Axel demanded.

“Yeah!” Lutz and Loop agreed loudly.

Victor glanced at Yuuri as Yuri jeered at him about how badly he would lose, and the triplets continued to chatter about the way to organize the competition. Although Yuuri still looked mortified at the idea, it did seem that there was a glint of aggression showing in his eyes as he looked back at Yuri.

_But, will he find the strength to do it?_

_Will he win?_

He chided himself at having spoken out about the competition before really thinking the whole thing through.

_I was so desperate to not go back to Russia, I didn’t really think about what I was asking of Yuuri. I know he has the talent, but talent hasn’t been where he was lacking all along. It’s been in the area of confidence. If Yuko is right, and Yuuri benefits from competitiveness, then everything will be okay, but if he chokes…_

He felt a little shudder pass through him, but he shrugged it off and turned his attention to his two waiting students.

“I want the two of you to warm up and run through your normal practice for today. Just do what you usually do in your general training. I need some time to put the plans down.”

“Ugh,” Yuri groaned, “What you mean is that you fucking want to go and pig out, then drink yourself into oblivion while this clown and I waste our time here! I want my goddamned program, Victor!”

“Now, now, I need time to make the plans for the programs.”

“You say that now?” Yuri argued, “You’ve known for more than a year that I was going to win the Junior World Championships. Not that you could remember while you’ve been drowning in booze until you forgot a million times!”

“Don’t be silly,” Victor laughed, “I didn’t forget.”

“YES, YOU DID, OR I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO CHASE YOU ALL OF THE WAY TO FUCKING JAPAN!”

“Why don’t you run along now?” Victor suggested, giving his teammate a placating smile, “We’ll never get anywhere if you keep standing there, yelling at me.”

Victor laughed again as he and a bemused Yuuri watched the Russian Junior Champion stomp away.

“I think I’m going to have my hands full while he is here,” Victor snickered, “He’s quite a little hothead. I told Yakov he was asking for trouble, taking him on, but Yakov just snorted and said I was being hypocritical and…”

“Victor?”

The Russian paused, tilting his head slightly as he looked back at the Japanese skater curiously.

“What is it, Yuuri? Is there something wrong?” he asked.

“Ah,” Yuuri said nervously, “I…um…”

“Don’t worry about Yuri Plisetsky,” Victor said, turning his head back to look at the angry young man as he threw his street shoes off and began to put on his skates, “He’s loud, but he’s mostly pretty harmless.”

“It…wasn’t about Yuri,” Yuuri answered, bringing Victor’s surprised eyes back to meet his.

“It’s not? Then, what is bothering you, Yuuri? What can I do?”

Yuuri licked his lips and swallowed anxiously.

“Uh, sorry. I just noticed when you were talking to Yuri that he mentioned you were drinking a lot.”

“Yes, Yuuri. I do that. It’s a Russian thing, kind of like people from Ireland like their Guinness, I’m a Russian man who likes vodka. There’s nothing unusual about that, is there?”

“M-maybe not,” Yuuri replied, relaxing slightly as he gathered himself to continue, “It just looked to me like there was something in your eyes when he said that…something like…”

He paused, as though searching for the right words.

“Something like what?” Victor asked, his heart quickening.

_Usually, Yuuri is so fixated on his own anxiety that he seems unaware of things like that, but…could Yuri coming here have shifted things?_

Yuuri didn’t answer right away, but Victor waited patiently as he collected his thoughts.

“I could be wrong,” he said finally, “but it looked to me like you were feeling some kind of pain.”

Victor felt heart melting warmth at the admission.

“You are worried about me?”

_We are finally getting somewhere. Maybe Yuri coming to Japan wasn’t a bad thing…as long as Yuuri wins the competition._

“Yeah,” Yuuri affirmed quietly, heat making his face and throat darken, “I don’t like thinking of you hurting.”

“Yuu-ri!” Victor exclaimed, melting even more, “That’s so kind of you! What do you say for thank you? Arigato!”

“Oh, ah…w-well, you’re here for me,” Yuuri reasoned, “The least I can do is to offer you the same thing.”

“That is so sweet,” Victor praised him, “Thank you again, Yuuri, but as I said, I am…”

“I know you’re not fine,” Yuuri replied, stopping him by looking directly into his widening eyes, “Something happened to you this season.”

Victor tried to answer, but found his thoughts suddenly scrambled and his body frozen, staring raptly back at his student.

“Your performances were beautiful,” Yuuri went on.

“Maybe not all of them,” Victor chuckled, finding his breath again, “but it was a good season. What makes you think that…?”

“You didn’t seem like yourself at Nationals or the European championships,” Yuuri went on.

“I made some mistakes,” Victor acknowledged, “and Yakov yelled at me a lot, even though I still won. But we barely knew each other, Yuuri.”

“I don’t wanna sound creepy. It’s not, but I have been watching you, Victor. I’ve been watching you and learning from you for most of my life.”

“I know you have,” Victor agreed, “That’s part of why I came here to coach you. Your dedication to your training has made you a very capable skater, and once you have been given the tools, I think you will surprise everyone.”

“I’ll do my best. I promise,” Yuuri assured him, “but I want to give something back, too, and I don’t have a lot to offer.”

“I’m not asking for anything but that you do your best to do exactly as I tell you to do. It’s really not necessary for you to…”

“You told me that it was important for me to open up, to be able to talk to you,” Yuuri reminded him.

“I did, but…”

“Part of that is being sensitive to your needs too,” the younger man interrupted, “and it seems like something is still bothering you. Maybe it’s none of my business what you’re thinking about, but if…if you ever need to talk about it…”

Victor felt a sudden tugging in his chest as he looked deeper into his alpha’s eyes, and read the genuine affection, the honest emotion.

“I don’t mind listening, and I’ll do what I can, if there’s anything I can do.”

_I should tell him._

_I need to tell him._

_He’s given me the perfect opportunity._

Victor took a steadying breath and caught Yuuri’s hand in his.

“Yuuri,” he said softly. “I do want to tell you that you are…”

“HEY PIGGY! AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE OUT HERE TOO?” Yuri shouted, startling the two, “Get your fat ass over here and practice. You need to do that even though I’m just going to smear you all over the place in the competition.”

_I want to slap the shit out of that little brat!_

“Yuuri…”

“He’s right. I promised you that I would do my best,” Yuuri sighed, turning away.

“But…”

_Why does this always happen?_

_I really, really wanted to tell him. Everything was the way it needed to be. I had the perfect chance…and then that little asshole had to ruin everything. Is this what parents feel like when their kids misbehave?_

He inadvertently flashed back to the dream he had had while skating, about what his and Yuuri’s Yume would have been like.

_Maybe she would have been sweet and fun like I imagined, but she probably would have disobeyed us sometimes too. I disobeyed Yakov all of the time, once he took over as my coach and he became like a father to me. He always warned me that what goes around, comes around. I didn’t listen to him any better than I do now._

_Maybe our Yume would have been mouthy and stubborn…more like Yuri._

The thought left him with an odd warmth as he stood watching the two Yuris skate on opposite ends of the rink.

_He’s loud and he’s rude, but there is an undeniable charm to him that makes those things more cute than threatening. I look at the little things about Yuri Plisetsky and indeed, I can imagine a daughter of mine being hardheaded, temperamental and rebellious like him, but just as he has that hard, bitter surface, there is something sweeter underneath it, and that is what his Agape program will bring out._

Victor leaned on the rink wall, his eyes carefully following each of the two Yuris’ movements as they skated.

_When choreographing for myself, it’s easy to imagine which moves will highlight what things. I do sometimes rewatch my past performances to imagine how to incorporate a move or set of moves, but having done that so many times, it’s like second nature. Choreographing for the two Yuri’s will require me to work a little harder._

_That’s a good thing, I think, because part of my problem is that lately, I haven’t felt that sense of challenge which keeps me more motivated. I already miss competing, myself, but I feel very strongly that I have work to do before I can return. Looking at these two very promising skaters only intensifies that feeling. I know that the answer isn’t in anything I could have done on the ice, myself, this season._

_No._

_The answer is in what I feel when I watch these two men skate…one, my alpha and the other? I begin to see in Yuri Plisetsky the things that I was sure were lost when we lost Yume._

_Yes._

_I had dreams of what would be…created in my mind like the programs I created for my performances all of these years. I know it was never mine to create my child’s path, and no doubt, Yume would have surprised me in her own special ways, not once, but over and over. When she died, there were all of these empty places that I had created just for her…experiences we would have, emotions we would share. Not everything was perfect, but it was all so real in my mind._

_Then, it was just gone._

_I went back to those places I had created, but because I never shared her with anyone, I was alone there, mourning her in isolation born of my own selfishness in hiding her. I don’t just have a heavy heart because I lost her, I have a heavier heart because I kept her to myself, denying all of the people around me to dream too. It does mean that they aren’t hurting like I am, but that’s no solace to me, because we all should have loved her like family, and we all should have been allowed to mourn her. What will it be like when the truth comes out, when Yuuri and his family learn that I hid my pregnancy from our child’s father and never let him dream of her._

_Yuuri would have loved our child. I doubted that because I was confused as to why Yuuri left without talking to me. I thought it meant he was angry with me and couldn’t see me the same way once the lie was exposed and he knew me for the omega I am. Coming to Hasetsu and being here with Yuuri and his family tells me that I was wrong. I still don’t know why Yuuri left without talking to me. I need to ask him about that and we need to talk about a lot of things, but we must first clear this hurdle._

_Just as Yuuri needed to earn the right to talk to me and dance with me at the banquet, now he needs to win my continued presence at his side, here in Hasetsu._

_What the hell did I do, allowing us to end up in this situation?_

_What was I thinking?_

_What if Yuuri loses?_

_No._

_That is not going to happen. I have to do what I could not do before. Now that I know I was wrong about why he left without speaking to me, I have to trust Yuuri to do what he needs to do to keep me by his side. If I put my faith in him, maybe he will have more faith in himself._

Victor turned away from the two skaters and left the ice rink. He walked, aimlessly at first, then he made his way to the beach, relaxing into the sounds of the surf and the seagulls’ cries. And as he walked, he thought about the two skaters, each in turn; first Yuuri, dressed in dark colors and without his glasses…his hair pushed back away from his face and his eyes narrowed and glaring lustily…then Yuri in pale colors, all of the anger gone from his face and his wispy body moving like that of an angel.

The thoughts made him smile and he reached down absently to pet Maccachin, only to find that the old poodle hadn’t followed him to the beach.

_I don’t know what’s worse…that he chose to stay with the two Yuris over me or that I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t notice._

He stopped walking and sat down on a large piece of driftwood, his ocean-colored eyes gazing out at the sea. His busy mind worked steadily at planning the two programs, and he stood up several times to perform small sequences from each. He wasn’t sure how long he was on the beach before hunger made him look around for a place to eat. He studied the several restaurants and selected one, then ate until he was full…then he started drinking.

_Yuuri is going to win. I know he will…_

_…I think…_

He replayed the two programs in his head, considering the best performances each young man could give and how the points would add up.

_Although, this competition is not about technical or performance points, it is about surprising the audience. I know this is generating a lot of interest here and there will be a lot of people coming to see the competition and reveal of the two Yuris’ programs. Still…I do wonder how Yuuri’s anxiety and Yuri’s impetuous nature might play into things._

He sighed heavily, his head spinning as he looked down at his empty glass. He glanced in the direction of the waitress, but read the look in her eyes and sighed again, taking out his credit card to pay the bill. He left the restaurant and stumbled back to Yuutopia Katsuki.

“Hey, you okay?” Mari called out as he staggered past her and down the hallway.

“F-fine,” he answered unsteadily.

He startled at first when the young woman’s arm curled around him from the side and she helped him down the hallway to his room.

“You know, Yuuri and your Russian friend got back awhile ago. They were wondering where you went. Mom was a little worried when you missed dinner.”

“I had dinner…r-r-really nice people places,” he mumbled dazedly.

“You don’t say,” Mari replied dryly, guiding him into his room and helping him into the bed.

“Oh, I can’t sleep with all of this clothes on,” he complained, starting to wriggle out of them.

“Well, at least let me get outta the room before you start undressing,” Yuuri’s sister snorted, hustling out the door.

“Sorry,” he called after her.

He pushed his clothing off and burrowed down under the covers, glad that the booze was making him sleepy enough to drop off. He was almost asleep, when he heard a soft thumping and caught an odd scent in the air. Sitting up in his bed, he forced his eyes open and groaned as he noted the late hour.

_What is that?_

He remembered then.

_Oh, that’s right. He insisted on sleeping in my closet while he’s here so that Yuuri won’t gain an unfair advantage by monopolizing me._

Hearing another thump and a whimper, Victor climbed out of bed and wrapped a yukata around his slender body. He walked to the closet, catching more breaths of that odd scent and feeling an unsettling sensation.

_This scent…_

He put a hand on the door and slid it open, then he stepped inside.

The little lamp that Mari had given Yuri sat by his makeshift bed on the floor. Yuri laid, curled up in a ball and shaking softly.

_Does he even know I’m here?_

“W-well,” Yuri managed shakily, “what are you waiting for? Y-you’re an alpha, aren’t you? I’m n-not gonna stop you, so go ahead.”

Victor stood, frozen, his eyes rounding and his mind firing back to a similar scene played out, but with Yakov witnessing for the first time, one of Victor’s heats.

_Yuri Plisetsky…is an omega too?_


	20. Crossroads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor protects his omega teammate as Yuri Plisetsky endures an unexpected heat.

Yuri Plisetsky scowled at his white-faced Russian teammate’s stymied reaction, his body quivering as throbs of intense arousal surged through him and he felt the tell-tale wetness around his anal entrance. He closed his eyes, panting out a few more impatient words as he waited for Victor Nikiforov’s reaction.

“Why are you just standing there?” he complained, “I f-fucking _told you_ to go ahead. I know you’re aroused by my scent and I’ve got no way to get away from you. Just stop standing there and fuck me already! Get this over with, all right?”

Victor swallowed hard, his throat oddly dry and his voice failing as he tried to answer. He took a step forward and stopped again as Yuri help up a staying hand.

“J-just don’t knot with me,” he growled angrily, “I don’t wanna get pregnant with your stupid kid and I don’t want anyone to walk in and see us stuck together or something!”

Victor took a moment longer to gather himself and the younger skater hissed out a curse and snapped at him again.

“Damn it, Victor! What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you just staring at me with that stupid expression? Are you deaf? I said…!”

“I heard you,” Victor answered finally, taking another step forward.

His heart pounded painfully in his chest as Yuri sat up and opened the front of the pale blue yukata he’d been given, exposing his slim, athletic body to the waist. He looked for a moment longer, then turned back.

“Wait for a moment,” he advised Yuri, “I will be right back.”

Yuri’s teeth clenched and he swore again, pulling the ends of his yukata around him and blushing fiercely.

“F-fucking _wait_? Th-that’s all you have to s-say, you bastard?” he growled more softly, blinking back suddenly threatening tears, “…so goddamned humiliating!”

But he was secretly glad for the little bit of time Victor gave him to compose himself. He breathed slowly, blinking a few times and relaxing his body in stages. By the time Victor reappeared, he was relatively calm, though it took an effort not to stiffen as the elder skater closed the door to the closet, then blocked the bottom with a towel. He turned to face Yuri, wearing a quiet, contemplative expression.

“Has this happened before?” Victor asked calmly, “or is this the first?”

“I had one before the doctor knew what I was.”

Victor balked at his next question, closing his eyes and shivering as he voiced it.

“Were you…?”

“Yakov was there,” Yuri answered shortly, “Nothing happened.”

“Hmm,” Victor replied, looking into his teammate’s aggressive eyes as he answered, “that’s good.”

“Why?” Yuri demanded his voice shaking slightly, “Because you are one of the ones who likes collecting firsts? Don’t forget, I know your reputation, Victor.”

“You know my reputation with girls,” Victor corrected him, “I was never with a man before…”

He stopped himself short of the confession he’d been about to make.

“I was never with a man before,” he repeated.

“Is that supposed to make it special or something?” Yuri asked, sounding more hurt than angry this time, “It’s not. You’re just the bastard alpha who happened to catch me on a bad day. You mean nothing to me, you know.”

“I know,” Victor acknowledged, moving forward to stand over the younger man.

Yuri glared up at him defiantly.

“It’s just a fuck so that we don’t go crazy from the pheromones,” he snarled softly.

“You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself,” Victor mused, his own expression softening.

“What kind of game are you playing?” Yuri accused him, “I told you to just do it. What? You like being cruel and taunting me, you asshole!”

“It isn’t cruelty.”

“Don’t fucking pity me either!” Yuri snapped.

“I don’t,” Victor assured him, holding out a small purple pill and a glass of water.

Yuri blinked and squinted suspiciously at the pill in the older man’s hand, then he gave Victor a stymied look.

“Why do you have that?” he demanded, “Where the fuck did you get it?”

Victor paused as he recalled.

_“Take this with you,” the Japanese physician said, handing him a blister pack with one purple pill inside, “It can take up to six months for your heat to return, and there is no way to know exactly when it will come, so we give this pill. Use it cautiously because it will put a strain on your body by pushing you more quickly through your heat, but it will also mask your scent so that you will be less attractive to nearby alphas, and it should curb your own symptoms. If you should lose this, you will need to call for a replacement pill, because the first heat after a pregnancy can be unpredictable in both its timing and its intensity. It can cause very significant pain and can cause emotional strain as well. The pill with ease that and help you cope more comfortably.”_

“What does it matter?” Victor asked casually, watching as Yuri swallowed the pill and some of the water, “This will put some strain on your body, but it will make your heat pass more quickly and it will make you less likely to attract an alpha.”

“But I’ve already attracted an…”

Yuri paused, staring in surprise as Victor climbed onto his bed and sat behind him, then slipped warm, embracing arms around him. His skin flushed darker as he felt the tickle of soft, silvery hairs against his cheek and a touch of breath on his earlobe.

“Relax. I’m not an alpha and I’m not going to have sex with you,” he said in a low, soothing voice.

“What _are_ you doing then?” Yuri asked more curiously as he felt a small vibration that seemed to begin in the older man’s chest, then grew into a soft rumble.

His blue eyes widened as he realized.

“Are you…p-purring, Victor?”

Yuri wasn’t sure if it was the sound or the vibration, or the impact of both that laid a gentle haze over his agitated mind and swiftly left his body limp and pliable in Victor’s arms.

“It helps, _da_?” Victor inquired, somehow continuing the low purring even as he spoke.

“Yeah,” the younger skater admitted without the usual aggressiveness, “I’ve done it, but I don’t know how to make myself do it.”

“It’s just something I was taught to do after coming to full maturity.”

“I _am_ …!”

“I mean full maturity as an omega,” Victor elaborated, “In fact, in families where there’s more than one omega, the older will first comfort the younger with this, then teach it to the younger at the proper time.”

“But you didn’t have a normal family,” Yuri pointed out, “and I know Lilia is an alpha, so…who taught you?”

Victor shrugged, “Just someone Yakov found to do it. When I was identified as omega, he promised to hide it and to make sure that I knew how to deal with it.”

“Hmm,” the younger man sighed thoughtfully, closing his eyes and starting to doze as Victor continued to comfort him, “He didn’t tell me you were an omega, but from the look on your face, you didn’t know I was one either.”

He paused, then gave a little, sarcastic chuckle.

“I wanted to kick his ass when he told me that he was going to have you mentor me. I thought he meant that you were gonna bite me or some shit like that.”

“What?” Victor huffed, “You know Yakov better than that. He wouldn’t do that to you…although I know alpha coaches who pretty much enslave omega skaters that way. We were lucky that he found us before people like that did.”

“Yeah.”

Yuri let out a slow, much more relaxed breath.

“Victor, did you know that Yakov wanted to start having you do more choreography this season for the others on the team?”

“Hmm, he mentioned it in passing, but we never decided anything.”

“You really pissed him off when you left. He won’t even listen if anyone says anything about you.”

“I know,” Victor sighed regretfully.

“And you think that fat little Japanese piggy is worth it to you, over the man who is like your own father all of these years?” Yuri pressed.

“What, are you working for him, trying to make me feel worse?”

Yuri broke free of his embrace and turned to face him, forgetting the front of his yukata that was open and leaving him scandalously exposed.

“Why is he so important to you? Why are you wasting your time on him?” he asked, his voice bearing a stern edge, but without the expected anger, “It’s not like you have time to waste, you know. You’re…”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” Victor said, cutting him off, “But the only answer I can give you or Yakov is that I’m doing what I have to be doing right now. You and I both know that what I was doing before, back in Russia, wasn’t working. Something needed to change, and when I saw Yuuri skate my program, I saw a path and I took it.”

“So, none of your promises mean anything to you now, because of _him_?” Yuri snapped, the anger quickly returning as the soothing effect of the purring faded.

“I didn’t promise Yakov I would…”

“I was talking about the promise you made to _me_ , idiot!”

“What?” Victor objected, “I’m giving you that program. I said I would and I am keeping my word.”

“Not without making me do stupid things like running away all of the way to Japan…and this competition,” Yuri argued, “Making me compete with that garbage…”

Victor loosed an agitated sigh.

“You know, if you keep letting your anger make you so recklessly underestimate your opponents, then the only sure thing is that you are going to get beaten by more than a few of the more mature skaters this year who will see that and take advantage of it.”

“Now, you sound like that old man coach of ours,” Yuri complained, “going on about my recklessness.”

“Look,” Victor said sternly, “I have no obligation to you beyond delivering that program I promised you, but you need to remember that it’s more than talent and it’s more than confidence that you need to win in the senior division. You are going from…”

“A small pond to a big pond,” Yuri scoffed, “I’ve heard it from Yakov.”

“No.”

“What?” Yuri asked, giving him a more tentative look.

“You are not going from a small pond to a larger pond, you are going from a small pond to an _ocean_. You were skating against young people like yourself who may also have been talented, but they were not as experienced as the ones you will be competing with now. It’s like animal crackers and oranges.”

“What?” Yuri objected, “Don’t you mean _apples and oranges_?”

“No, even those are too much alike. It’s more like kittens and pit bulls.”

“It’s not so bad,” Yuri snorted, “I can skate circles around every one of the skaters coming out this season and you know it. That’s the real reason you didn’t want to skate, isn’t it? You _knew_ I would kick your ass the first time out, so you ran off to Japan because you were scared!”

Victor’s eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms.

“Well then, if you are so very talented, you should have no trouble beating the stuffing out of Yuuri Katsuki, who came in last at the last Grand Prix Final.”

“ _Finally_ , you say something sensible.”

“I am saying that you’re not going to do it…not unless something changes.”

“What the fuck do _you_ know?”

“What do _I_ know?” Victor asked sharply, his blue-green eyes flashing, “After five consecutive world championships, I think I know more than a smartass kid, who is an omega challenging a number of alphas in _their preferred territory_! You are not just at a disadvantage because you are young. You are also hiding a critical part of yourself and if you are reckless, you will have more to worry about than losing. How good you are is not going to matter if you give them rope to hang you with! Those other skaters, especially the cutthroat ones? They will be more than happy to use your vulnerabilities against you!”

Yuri picked up a small pillow and hurled it at Victor, who caught it out of the air and gently smacked the younger man with it as Yuri batted at it, hissing furiously.

“Ugh! Get out of here and leave me alone! Take your hugging and your purring and your goddamned stupid lectures and go bug someone else who doesn’t feel sick because you fucking smell like the booze you’ve been drowning yourself in!”

“All right,” Victor snickered, “If you’re feeling well enough to insult me so much like that, then I guess you’ll be okay now. Just try to be a little calmer, since that pill I gave you might make you faint if you get too overexcited.”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Yuri spat as a still giggling Victor scooted out of the closet.

He closed the door and leaned against it for a moment, his eyes growing more contemplative as he recalled a similar exchange he’d had with Yakov.

_Why does this have to happen?_

_I used to buy into the lies that we were fed, that the omegas were simply creatures with no real talent, but a necessary calling…to balance the overpowering needs of the complimentary alphas. Then, I learned that more often, omegas are talented, but they are looked down on, and it’s really hard to escape the definition that they loudly hammer into us. I was so focused on myself and my own misery that I failed to see someone close to me is struggling as I am. It’s clear now that Yakov planned for me to mentor and protect Yuri Plisetsky. It was a plan that would give Yuri and me both a measure of comfort, and it was also a way to eventually give me a path out of competitive skating and into coaching. Yuri is very talented, and he needs someone like me. It was a good plan that would benefit all of us._

_And by coming to Japan, I didn’t just interfere with those plans, I hurt Yakov._

Victor walked slowly to the bed, each step feeling heavier as he took it. He climbed onto the bed and sat down with his back against the pillow, then pulled his knees up to his chest and laid his head on crossed arms on top of his knees.

_I really hurt Yakov._

_No wonder he hates me and won’t even talk to me._

_But, what can I do? If I go back to Russia now, I feel it in my heart that I will retire from competitive skating. I will have to, because I was losing my motivation. Everyone on the Russian team saw that. Yakov saw it, and he was trying to give me a way to use my reputation as a top skater to become a sought after coach and choreographer. It’s the natural step to take next, and I would be lucky to have a talent like Yuri Plisetsky among my first student. Yes, it is a very good plan for me that Yakov had._

_The only problem is, I don’t want it to be over now. I don’t want to leave competitive skating while I still have the ability to be a top competitor. I have poured myself, body, mind and heart into skating for twenty years. It’s been all I thought about for as long as I can remember. It’s been all I wanted to do. I’m not stupid. I know it can’t last forever. I feel the beginnings of age in my joints, but I also know that I’m not done yet. I don’t know how I know that, I just do. And I wasn’t meaning to be cruel and ungrateful to Yakov. I wasn’t even fighting his notion that coaching and choreography is a good path for me, eventually._

_I just saw Yuuri skate my free program, and all of a sudden, my heart felt lighter and younger again. I felt, not just inspired, but driven to come here and to make sure that Yuuri didn’t quit skating…because, like me, he still has what it takes to be a top competitor. In addition to that, Yuuri is my complimentary alpha. Sooner or later, we were going to have to deal with that and learn what it means for us._

_I know I did what I had to do, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Yakov has been more to me than anyone else in this world, and I made him hurt._

_I feel lower than a dog._

Tears flooded his eyes, streaming out and seeping into the sleeves of his yukata and little, soundless sobs shook his body. He was so absorbed in his misery that he missed the moment when a person paused in passing outside his open bedroom door, then they entered the room and moved to sit down on the edge of the bed.

Victor’s breath caught raggedly as he felt the bed move, and his eyes flew open as Hiroko’s arms slipped gently around his shoulders. He stiffened for a moment, terrified at the thought of having to explain, but just as though she’d read his thoughts, Yuuri’s mother sighed, hugging him, petting his hair and putting his worries immediately to rest.

“It’s okay, Vic-chan,” she said soothingly, “Whatever it is, we’ll see it through together, all right?”

He bit his at his lips, swallowing hard and trying to reclaim a shred of dignity, but the attempt unraveled as Hiroko ruffled his hair and patted his damp face tenderly.

“Maybe we’ll do a better job of that, once you are sober, _ne_?

“Right,” he answered shakily, giving her a little, sad smile, “Sorry, I just…realized that when I left Russia so suddenly, I didn’t just make Yakov angry, I hurt him because he’s been like a father to me all of these years. He was trying to be supportive and I just left without…I left and now he hates me. He won’t even talk to me.”

“It sounds like he is angry and hurt, from what you and Yuri have said, but if you are as close as you say, then I am very sure that you will work it out,” Hiroko said, taking Victor’s hands in hers, “Vic-chan, a parent will always love their child, no matter what…no matter how angry anyone gets, no matter what troubles come along. I think you know that in your heart.”

“I do,” Victor agreed, tears flooding his eyes again, “and I don’t feel like I deserve it after hurting him like that by leaving.”

“But, you still feel that coming here to us was what you needed to do?” Hiroko asked.

“Yes, but that doesn’t change how I made Yakov feel by doing it.”

“No, and that is a burden on you. Just…do not lose sight of the reason why you are here.”

Victor straightened, wiping his eyes and nodded.

“You’re right. I suppose that does no good.”

“It will be all right,” Hiroko promised, “You and Coach Yakov will mend what is broken between you. I think you love each other too much not to fix things.”

“Yeah,” Victor sighed, brightening slightly, “Thank you, Mama Katsuki.”

“Of course, Vic-chan.”

Hiroko hugged him again, then she sat back and withdrew a small package from her pocket.

“This arrived for you today from Russia.”

He took the package and read the return address.

_Oh._

_The ashes not sent to be used for the pendants._

He held the box in his lap and looked up at Hiroko again.

_I don’t want to hurt her…or any of them…ever._

“Thank you, Mama Katsuki,” he said more calmly.

“Sleep well, Vic-chan,” Hiroko said, turning and walking out of the room.

He looked down quietly at the box.

“What is that?” Yuri’s voice asked, breaking him out of his reverie, “You look like it’s something bad. Are you afraid Yakov shit in the box and sent it to you to punish you or something?”

“Maybe,” Victor sighed, “What are you doing out here? You should stay in the closet where you belong. The pheromones are weaker, but…”

“I’m just getting a drink of water. You want some?”

“No, thank you.”

Victor continued to look down at the box, lost in his thoughts, as Yuri stumbled off to get his water, then came back again and dropped a chilled bottle of water in his lap.

“I said I didn’t…”

“You’ve been drinking a lot and you’ve been crying,” his teammate said matter-of-factly, “You’re probably dehydrated.”

He turned away before Victor could answer, walked to the closet door, then paused again.

“Mama Katsuki is right,” he said quietly, “Yakov’s pissed, but he isn’t going to be mad forever, so stop being an idiot and figure out whatever you need to, so that we can go back to Russia. I don’t want to beat the piggy and have to put up with you crying all of the way home.”

Victor found he was smiling in spite of himself.

“Don’t worry, you won’t,” he chuckled.

He waited until Yuri had entered the closet and closed the door behind him to add, “…because you’re not going to win.”


	21. Masks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Victor teaches Yuuri and Yurio their programs, he reflects on the meaning behind Eros and Agape...then blunders into a terrible misunderstanding...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**_For self-hating souls_ **

**_The most surprising mask is_ **

**_To wear their true face_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Victor woke to a familiar, dull throbbing in his head and rolled over to look at the clock. He groaned at the hour and dragged himself out of bed and onto his feet. He first stumbled to the closet door, but found it open and his Russian teammate already gone.

_I suppose quicker recovery is a perk of being fifteen…not almost twice that, like me._

He headed off to the bathroom, pausing to dig out a set of workout clothes on the way. His head continued to ache and his stomach seethed as he showered and dressed. It was, he thought, almost a relief to have to throw up before leaving the bathroom.

_I deserve that._

_I know I ought to stop drinking so much, but every time I think about what’s a stake in this competition…or about Yume…or about the next five damned minutes, I want to drink more. Yakov isn’t here to nag me and he hasn’t called, texted or answered my texts._

_He fucking hates me now, doesn’t he?_

_Damn it._

Victor was still brooding over that fact as he returned to the bedroom. He started towards the hallway, but stopped as he realized there was a cup of something steaming and a little note by the bed. Smiling despite his lingering discomfort and unhappiness, he walked over and sat down on the bed, then he picked up the note.

_This should make you feel better, Vic-chan._

The little smile on his lips warmed as he picked up what turned out to be some kind of herbal tea. To his surprise, its flavor was light and pleasant, and he did feel much better by the time he finished it and headed out to have breakfast. Noting the later than usual hour, he wasn’t surprised to see Yuuri was up and eating as well, as was a recovered Yuri Plisetsky.

_Ah, that medication did speed up his heat significantly. I’ve got to remember to call and ask for a replacement pill. I thought I might have felt a few shivers last night and I felt anxious, but it could just be I was feeding off of Yuri’s heat. That does happen._

Yuuri looked up and him and started to greet him, but was immediately cut off by Yuri Plisetsky’s antagonistic growl.

“It’s about time you got up, you stupid drunk.”

_He only didn’t swear at me because Mama Katsuki’s in the room._

Victor pushed the thought away and smiled widely as he entered the kitchen. He spotted Hiroko setting a plate of food on the table for him and slipped an arm around her, kissing her on the cheek.

“ _Ohayo_ , Mama Katsuki,” he chuckled as she blushed and giggled.

“ _Ohayo gozaimasu_ , Vic-chan,” she greeted him cheerfully.

“Hello, Yuuri,” he said, sitting down.

He smirked at his fellow Russian.

Good morning, Yurio.”

_I know he hates that name I heard Mari calling him._

The effect of his using it was instant. Yuri scowled more fiercely, almost growling as he spat out his next words.

“I’m not going by that stupid name!”

“Why not?” Victor teased, “It’s so cute, just like you are.”

“Shut up! I am not!” Yurio shouted.

“Quiet down,” Victor chided him, “There still might be people trying to sleep.”

“You’re the last one out of bed, and it’s no surprise,” Yurio scoffed, “after all of that drinking you did last night.”

“I’m sure last night was better for me than it was for you,” Victor answered, letting his smile slip very slightly as he delivered the veiled taunt.

Yurio started to object, but Victor cut him off before he could give anything away.

“I meant because you were stuck sleeping in the closet,” he continued, giving his teammate a little wink.

“Ugh! It was fine. Let’s just finish and get to the skating rink already. I want to get this ridiculous competition over so that we can go home!”

“I don’t know why you’re in such a hurry to go back,” Victor mused, digging into his food, “You complain all of the time about Yakov always telling you what to do and calling you lazy. Here’s your chance to do things your way, right?”

“That would be true if I wasn’t having to listen to your bullsh—”

He paused abruptly, glancing at a smiling Hiroko for a moment before rephrasing his comment.

“…having to listen to your stupid nonsense!”

“If it’s so stupid, why don’t you just forget it and go back to Russia right now?” Victor sighed, “No one is forcing you to stay, and you don’t want to listen to me anyway, so what good would it do for me to try to teach you anything?”

“You’re teaching me that program!” Yurio demanded, “And it had better be worth all of the trouble, not something half-assed you made up on the fly because you were so drunk last night.”

“Don’t you worry,” Victor said, sounding not the least bit unruffled, “Both you and Yuuri will be pleased with the programs I’ve planned for you. Give me a few more minutes and we’ll go get started.”

He tried not to smirk as Yurio watched his every bite, scowling and complaining, although he paused long enough to thank Hiroko for the meal. Yuuri ate quietly, looking only vaguely unsettled by Yurio’s constant disruptions.

 _Victor was really drunk again last night_ , he mused inwardly, _I wonder what’s bothering him so much. I guess it could be Yurio being such a pain and yelling at him, insulting him and wanting to sleep in his closet._

_I wonder if maybe they slept together, either here or back in Russia. There’s kind of a strange similarity in the way they smell. Of course, it could be that he’s stealing and using some of Victor’s hair and skin products. Even though Yurio complains constantly about Victor’s bad habits, it’s clear that there is something he respects about Victor. He wouldn’t be so intent on Victor being the one to design his first senior program if he didn’t believe it was the best move for him._

_So…it seems that Yurio believes in Victor’s abilities as a choreographer. That makes sense. Victor wouldn’t be on top of the skating world if he didn’t have the talent he does, both as a skater and a choreographer. Yurio know he can’t overcome his opponents in the senior division with just his own talents. He needs someone who can help him to shine. He trusts that Victor can do that, and he’s going all in to get what he needs to excel this season. He’s really driven._

_If I want to beat him, here in this competition or in any of the others this season, I have to be driven too._

Yuuri felt the touch of Victor’s intense gaze watching him and felt a blush rushing over his face. He kept his own eyes lowered to look at the food in front of him.

_I am driven to show Victor how much he has influenced me as a skater._

_Yurio is driven to win his first Grand Prix Final in the men’s senior division._

_For some reason, Victor has dropped everything and left competition, himself, this year. I know he’s providing Yurio’s program because of a promise he made, but…why did Victor come to Hasetsu to support me? Why did he take a break from skating to do that? He’s on the top of the skating world and he has no need to do that. I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and I know, especially since Yurio showed up that if what Victor wanted was to begin to build his reputation as a coach and choreographer, then he would want to coach and choreograph for someone like Yurio. Yurio is a young, very talented skater who would make any coach and choreographer look good._

_But…Victor didn’t choose Yurio. Yurio came to him. What Victor chose was to come here and to help me._

_Why?_

_Why is Victor here really?_

_What is Victor going to gain from all of this?_

“Yuuri?”

Yuuri startled at the sound of Victor’s voice and his chopsticks dropped onto his empty plate as his widened eyes found his coach’s. His cheeks burned as he felt Yurio’s harsh gaze and the younger Russian huffed scathingly.

“What the hell is wrong with you, piggy?” Yurio scolded him, “You’re done. Why are you just sitting there, staring at your empty plate? You’re fat enough. You don’t need more food. Let’s go already!”

“Oh,” he said ruefully, “Right. Sorry.”

“Yurio, be nicer,” Victor chided his younger teammate as Yurio let out a disgusted breath and rolled his eyes, “Come, Yuuri. It’s going to be a busy morning.”

Yuuri let out a shaky breath and nodded.

The three left the hot spring inn with Victor riding ahead and Yurio and Yuuri jogging along behind him.

“Good morning!” Victor called out to a fisherman as they passed over the bridge leading out to where the ice rink stood.

“Morning, Victor!” the man called back.

“Yurio, be kind. Say hi,” Victor urged his teammate.

“I told you. I’m not going by that stupid name!” Yurio snapped as Yuuri panted out a quick hello running past the fisherman.

When they reached the ice rink, Victor led them inside and the three put on their skates. Victor bent over the player for a moment, then he looked at the two young men waiting on the ice.

“First, I want you to listen to the music,” he directed them.

Victor watched their reactions carefully as he played each selection, his mind focused on mental images of how the two would look performing the moves he had planned.

_First, there is Yurio, a brash and driven young talent with an obviously bright future. He will make a splash at his first Grand Prix Series as a senior, and everyone knows it. They are expecting something that will highlight his fiery nature and strong will. Eros would definitely underscore that._

_But…underneath, Yurio is a hidden omega, a young man who dares not let anyone know what he is on the inside. As much as he has talent and will make a splash, he is always in danger of discovery…and if he is discovered to be an omega instead of the confident alpha he is thought to be, everything will fall apart._

_Then, we have Yuuri. On the surface, Yuuri is quiet and shy. He has never embraced the fact that he is an alpha, but has violently repelled the notion. He rejects the way the world is and buries himself in his skating…where alpha and omega disappear, and he can just be. Yes, Yuuri pushes away the truth to immerse himself in what he wishes could be. He seems naturally suited to Agape._

_But…inside, Yuuri is much more. Beneath the surface of the anxious, self-effacing person he seems to be, Yuuri hides his alpha nature, burying it under layers of self-hatred. He feels the aggressive nature he is holding down, and he doesn’t want it to escape. He doesn’t want it to change him._

_This is what makes me certain of my decision. I asked myself, what is the best way to help Yurio to shine in the best light while also concealing his omega nature? And what is the best way to take the shy, nervous Yuuri and get him to blossom into the beautiful alpha male he is inside? But of greatest importance, what will surprise the audience most?_

He smiled at the two young men in front of him and pointed at Yuuri.

“You get Eros.”

He pointed at Yurio.

“And you get Agape!”

His confidence in the declaration only grew as he watched their intense reactions.

_Perfect._

_I know this will being out the best in them._

And as he quickly showed the two the programs he had come up with, he only felt more satisfaction with the decision. He worked first with Yurio, mostly because he imagined that the sooner he saw to his obligation to his teammate, the sooner the younger Russian would go home and leave Yuuri and him alone.

But watching Yurio’s willowy body perform Agape, even imperfectly brought unexpected emotions.

 _The core of the Agape program was really about Yume_ , he confessed silently to himself, _My connection to the music and to those moves was always about the dreams I had for her future, for our future. That future disappeared when she died…but when I watch Yurio perform it, I feel like my love for Yume wasn’t wasted. I watch as he masters the moves, and he lets his gentler side, his hidden omega out in such a beautiful way. My dreams for Yume are gone, but this song and this program and Yurio’s performance all work together to convince me that it wasn’t all a mistake. My lost hopes are still alive somewhere, and even though my efforts can’t help my daughter, they can help this boy to grow. The legacy I lost when she died is going instead to Yurio in this program. Yes, this was the right decision._

But right decision or not, there was a price that he paid in guiding his younger teammate through the motions. He felt the heavy sting in his heart at the renewed feelings of loss.

_I do feel comforted that what my love for Yume created is going to be honored by Yurio in this program, but…it also hurts to see it and remember the pain and the loneliness of losing her._

The throbbing ache increased throughout the day, and by the time he sent Yurio off to the temple and began to teach Yuuri his program, he knew it had to be showing. He wondered if Yuuri would notice, but if he did, he said nothing as he took his first steps learning the Eros program.

_I hoped that the strong emotions would ease when Yurio left and I didn’t have to see it anymore, but the truth is, while the Agape program was an expression of my connection to Yume, Eros embodies my connection to Yuuri, not as the shy, anxious boy about to quit skating due to his failures, but as the man he was the night of the Grand Prix Final in Sochi when he got drunk and we made our daughter. Eros is about how Yuuri got drunk and let his alpha side out, and it brought me into heat, right there._

_Watching this in real life is giving me shivers._

_…or could that feeling be…_

_No._

_It’s just a reaction to seeing this in real life instead of just in my mind. Yuuri as, not a skater, but as a lover, a partner and yes, a father._

_It hurts so much._

He couldn’t dismiss Yuuri quickly enough and he couldn’t run fast enough to the nearest bar afterwards to get away from the pain. No amount of sake seemed to numb it, but he threw everything into trying, smiling cheerfully and chatting lightly with the bartender as he inwardly drowned in despair.

_I’ve been doing this for longer than I can remember, even when I’m sober…showing one thing on the outside while another burns on the inside. If Yakov taught me one thing, it was not to let the world see me falling apart. They don’t need that. They need the happy, talented, accomplished and always perfect shell that I give them. They don’t need to see what happens when dreams end, when fate takes things away and when death strikes a jarring blow. No, being a celebrity and a victor is about letting others dream…even if those dreams are impossible._

“I think you’ve had enough to drink,” the bartender said, breaking into Victor’s reverie, “Let me get you a ride back to Yuutopia Katsuki.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

He breathed a drunken sigh of relief as he left the bar and staggered through the quiet streets. The chill air seemed to take the edge off of everything, leaving him cold all over and finally not able to feel everything so deeply. He wasn’t sure how he found his way back, and he even managed to slip by Mari as he arrived. He stumbled down the hallway and into his room, and he was relieved all over again to hear Yurio’s snoring through the closed closet door…although he missed when Yuuri peeked out of his room, then crept to the Russian skater’s guest room door.

Yuuri slipped into the room as Victor headed into the bathroom. His heart pounding, he slid the bedroom doors closed and crossed the room. He heard Victor retching, then the sound of the toilet flushing, followed by the sound of the shower. His teeth clenched as he moved to the open bathroom door and hesitated.

Yuuri’s eyes widened at the sound of Victor’s soft, muted sobs.

But even more shocking were the Russian’s slurred words.

“I’m sorry. I tried as hard as I could, but I failed and there’s nothing I can do now.”

 _Oh my god!_ Yuuri panicked silently, _Is Victor that depressed? He wouldn’t…_

But to be sure, Yuuri peeked around the edge of the doorway.

Victor sat, still clothed, on the floor of the shower with water raining down on him as he held his arms tightly around his midsection. More sobs shook his slender body and Yuuri was just about to go to him when Victor’s next words shocked him back into stillness.

“I’m s-sorry, Yume. I’m so sorry that I failed you. Y-you were…right to leave me.”

_Yume?_

_Who is that?_

_Victor…had a Japanese girlfriend?_

He couldn’t escape fast enough back to his room, where he sat in the darkness on his bed, unable to stop seeing Victor as he’d been, drunk, reduced to tears and looking like he’d lost the thing most dear to him.

_Is that the real reason that he came to Japan? Was Victor trying to reconcile with her and needed a reason to stay?_

_Who…is Yume?_


	22. Deadly Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Yuuri digs for information, Victor experiences some unsettling symptoms...from drunkenness? Or maybe something else?

Yuuri leaned over his laptop keyboard, clicking and pausing to read, then moving on to another website, then another, whispering to himself as he searched for some sign of the connection between Victor and a woman called Yume.

“Victor Nikiforov and girlfriend Yume…nothing. Victor and Yume…no. Is Victor Nikiforov seeing anyone…oh my god, like a million possible, of course. Could she be a model? Another skater? No, I knew the names of every Japanese skater competing and I never heard of a Yume…damn, who is she?”

He left the computer and rummaged through a stack of recent magazines, poring over the Russian legend’s interviews and Q and A sessions until his bed and floor were a mess.

“Nothing,” he mused, “No sign of him even knowing someone named Yume who was a coach, a skater or _anything_!”

He jumped as a knock sounded on the door, then cringed and blushed as Mari poked her head into the room.

“Hey Yuuri, can you…”

She broke off abruptly, frowning at the destroyed bedroom.

“What happened in here?” she asked, narrowing her eyes.

“Oh,” Yuuri stammered, “I uh…I was looking for something.”

“Like what?” his sister asked, giving him a disapproving look, “A how to emulate Victor guide? If you want to copy him, why don’t you just ask him how instead of shooting off a canon in your bedroom?”

“I…but I…didn’t…”

“You better clean that up.”

Yuuri groaned and put his face in his hands as the door closed with a pronounced thump.

“Oh my god.”

With a ragged sigh, he restacked the magazines and put them back into the boxes he had taken them from, carefully storing them under his bed. He turned off the lights and laid down, furrowing his brow and going back in his mind to the sight he had seen earlier in the guest room bathroom.

_Victor was distraught._

_Damn, maybe I should’ve just gone to him. It would probably be better than this sneaking around and trying to figure it out behind his back. Mari’s right about one thing. Victor is here. There’s no need to daydream or to use other means…I can just ask him._

_If only I’d stop feeling breathless and weak just every time he looks at me. I freak out when he comes near me. I can’t keep acting that way if I want him to be able to coach me properly. I have to…_

_I don’t know what it is exactly that I have to do, but I am sure it isn’t sneaking around and searching for information behind his back._

He agonized about the problem overnight, but was just as stymied in the morning as he had been the night before. And he continued to freeze up every time Victor’s ocean blue eyes turned in his direction.

_What is Victor thinking when he looks at me?_

_If he truly came to Japan for this girl, Yume, and she didn’t reconcile with him, then maybe it’s a burden now to remain here. Maybe Victor just wants to go home. Still, it didn’t seem like he’d really given up. He was depressed and crying, but even like that, there was something about him that told me even though she left him, he wasn’t defeated by that. He’s going to focus on other things and he’s going to try to forget her._

_Maybe…_

_…just maybe I could be the thing that makes him forget…_

“Yuuri, your free leg is looking sloppy!” Victor snapped, breaking into the Japanese skater’s reverie.

“Sorry,” he apologized, making the correction.

_Maybe it’s not so good to think about this while practicing._

“That’s better,” Victor praised him, “much better.”

Yuuri threw himself headfirst into his practice, working harder than he ever had as Yurio noticed his efforts and did the same.

 _I almost forgot about that aspect of all of this,_ Yuuri realized suddenly _, If Yurio beats me in the Hot Springs on Ice competition, then Victor will go with him back to Russia!_

A sinking feeling crept through his midsection.

_What if Victor is weary of being in Japan because things ended badly with his girlfriend? What if he really wants to go home?_

_I don’t want Victor to leave!_

He suffered a moment of panic, but reined himself in swiftly.

_I have to keep Victor’s attention on me. After all, even if Yume is the one who Victor loves, he also loves my skating. Girlfriend or no girlfriend, Victor is a professional skater, so I have a chance here to keep his attention on me. I can’t let this opportunity pass!_

“Yuuri, what’s wrong? Are you getting tired or something?” Victor asked, noticing how unsettled he seemed, “I can work with Yurio if you need a break.”

“No!” Yuuri shouted, earning a surprised look from his coach, and an agnostic grunt from his skeptical opponent, “I’m fine. I’m sorry. I just…”

“It doesn’t matter how much you practice or whether or not you pay attention to Victor,” Yurio huffed condescendingly, “You are going to lose and Victor and I are going back to Russia!”

“Now, now, don’t be rude, Yurio,” Victor chided the teen.

He brushed his Russian teammate off and turned his attention back to Yuuri.

“Is there something I can do to help, Yuuri?” he asked more quietly as Yurio skated away from them, “You know, you can’t focus properly on skating if you have something on your mind. Sometimes you need to talk about it and get things resolved. I don’t mind listening.”

“Oh,” Yuuri said, blushing, “um…”

_This is so embarrassing. I don’t want to look bad in front of Victor. I have to put this out of my head until later. I have to stop letting it get in the way of my training or…wait…_

“Uh, I guess it isn’t really something that should be bothering me, but I was talking to a friend who saw a skater perform, supposedly someone from Japan. He wasn’t sure if he had her name right or not, but he said that he thought she was amazing and asked me to help find out what events she might be in this year so that he could be sure to watch them.”

“Oh, okay.”

“He…ah…said that he heard a rumor you might have dated her?”

Victor gave him a blank look.

“Hmm…I don’t think I’ve ever dated a Japanese skater, Yuuri.”

“I guess she could have been American or something,” Yuuri stammered self-consciously, “Her name is Yume?”

For just an instant, something intense seemed to flash in the Russian legend’s eyes, but he quickly controlled whatever it was and shook his head dismissively.

“No,” he answered matter-of-factly, “I haven’t ever dated or even met a skater by that name.”

Victor paused and laughed ruefully.

“I haven’t had the time or energy to date anyone at all for the last five years or so, but I’m sure you know how it is when your whole life revolves around competitive skating, _da_?”

“Oh, right,” Yuuri agreed, starting to turn away.

He stopped and looked back at Victor as he continued.

“And calling what I did dating is kind of stupid anyway since when it was a real relationship, it was so controlled and had so many rules to protect my public reputation and the girl’s privacy that we barely even got to be alone.”

“It sounds…really difficult.”

Victor nodded, taking hold of Yuuri’s shoulder and reaching down, lifting one foot to brush the ice off of a golden blade.

“It was a pain in the ass, and it ruined any real chance any of us had at being happy, but reputation is important to the powers that be in the Russian Skating Federation and when you achieve celebrity status, you really lose the ability to do anything but focus on what you’re being paid to do…which, in my case, was skating.”

Victor surprised him with a self-satisfied little chuckle.

“So, I just acted out in the ways that they didn’t care about.”

“What? Drinking?” Yuuri asked, looking amused.

Victor nodded.

“As long as I got to the ice and won, they didn’t care if I spent the rest of my time in a drunken stupor. It was only the things that they thought might affect my skating in the short term that they cared about.”

“Wow,” Yuuri said, shaking his head, “I didn’t have any idea it was that complicated.”

He paused for a moment, trying to imagine.

“It sounds sort of lonely.”

“Mmhmm,” Victor affirmed quietly.

Yuuri frowned and furrowed his brow.

“Victor, you said that the real relationships were controlled. What did you mean? Did you have pretend relationships?”

Victor laughed.

“Mostly when I was young and really trying to surprise people,” he explained, “Like when I would be interviewed and they asked about my love life. I didn’t want to seem boring, so I would say something surprising, like when one reporter asked me if I had a girlfriend and I told him no, but that I had a cute boyfriend.”

“Oh, that’s funny,” Yuuri said, smiling, “I think I remember you saying that.”

“Well, Yuuri,” Victor said, narrowing his eyes, “I would love to stand around and talk with you all day about my love life, but we do have something we’re supposed to be doing right now.”

“Oh yeah, right. Sorry!” Yuuri apologized hastily, pushing off and restarting his practice.

Yuuri continued to watch Victor closely after that, but the only result was that over the rest of the week, he found Victor Nikiforov to be steadfast in his dedication to teaching them and he was equally devoted to getting falling down drunk every night. Stymied and overwhelmed by the importance of the upcoming competition, he finally had to let go of his questioning and focused on just his training.

_After all, everything depends on me winning this competition with Yurio. If I lose, Victor will go back to Russia._

_If I lose, it all ends right now._

XXXXXXXXXX

The sound of the closet door slamming open brought Victor awake with a start, and he had one moment of glaring at his equally angry looking teammate before his head began throbbing and a swell of intense nausea sent him hurrying into the bathroom to throw up. He could almost see Yurio standing out in the bedroom, tapping his foot impatiently and the sound of his complaining floated in through the open bathroom door.

“Fucking drunk! Hurry up and finish throwing up so I can get ready for practice.”

“Just a…”

Victor paused and retched, then grabbed a bit of toilet tissue and ran it over his mouth.

“Just a damned minute.”

“Forget it, I’m coming in,” Yurio snapped, barging in as Victor threw up again.

He stepped over Victor’s bent legs to get to the sink and stood in front of the mirror, putting toothpaste onto his toothbrush as his elder teammate threw up a final time and collapsed back against the bathroom wall.

“I don’t know how a pathetic, drunk idiot like you ever got to be champion,” he scoffed.

Victor wrapped his arms around his midsection and groaned.

“Will you please get away from me?” he panted, “You’re making it worse, you know.”

“You look like shit, Victor,” Yurio said, studying him more closely and losing a measure of the anger as a flicker of genuine concern appeared in his eyes, “Why don’t you just stay here and we’ll practice without you?”

“N-not happening,” Victor grunted, bending forward and breathing slowly, “I’ll be fine. Just leave me alone for a minute.”

Yurio crossed his arms, still frowning, but no longer angry.

“I don’t think you should be alone in your condition.”

“Why?” Victor chuckled, wincing as a jolt of pain passed through his insides, “Are you worried I’ll just die or something? That would be good for you, right? One less thing in your way as you claw your way to the top of the men’s singles division?”

“Huh, like I’d need an old drunk like you to die for me to win,” Yurio huffed, “If you hadn’t quit, I’d have no trouble beating you.”

“Right,” Victor snorted, pushing himself onto his knees.

“Old geezer,” Yurio chided him, moving to wrap an arm around him and helping him to his feet, “You’re going back to bed.”

“No, I told you I’ll be fine,” Victor insisted, his voice still shaking slightly, “Besides, we’ve only got two days left before the competition.”

“You’re not going to make it another two days if you keep doing this, stupid.”

“Why do you care?” Victor asked, giving him a closer look, “You know, you have the program I promised you. If you wanted to, you could leave right now and not even take part in the competition.”

“I know that.”

“Then, why are you still here?” Victor pressed, “Unless…”

He blinked and frowned, then looked back at Yurio with a puzzled expression.

“You want that badly for me, the guy you call old geezer and who you tell every day that he’s an old, washed up has been…to go back to Russia with you? I’ll ask you again, why? What the hell do you have to gain by me going back to Russia?”

Victor paused, considering, the he snapped his fingers and grinned through the still rampant discomfort.

“I’ve got it!” he laughed, “I should have remembered that you asked me to sleep with you.”

“WHAT? I DID NOT!”

“Of course you did,” Victor giggled, “when you thought I was an alpha and you were in heat.”

“YOU ARE NEVER TO TALK ABOUT THAT AGAIN!” Yurio roared.

“Well, you aren’t going to keep it a secret if you keep shouting about it. But, don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone you invited me to sleep with you.”

“YOU’D BETTER FUCKING NOT, YOU BASTARD OR I’LL…”

He broke off as Yuuri stumbled into the room looking half asleep.

“Wh-what’s all of the yelling about?” he asked sleepily, “Did I oversleep?”

Victor smirked devilishly and opened his mouth to answer, only to be drowned out by his Russian teammate.

“You _always_ sleep too late and you eat too much, _katsudon_!” Yurio seethed, “Get dressed and let’s go!”

Victor laughed again and turned back to find his workout clothes as Yuuri scuttled out of the room and Yurio huffed out a heated breath.

“You asshole,” he said in a quieter voice, “I can tell that you don’t want the little piggy to know you’re an omega. What game are you playing, Victor?”

“If you know that, then why haven’t you just told him?” Victor countered.

“Do you think I won’t?”

Victor looked directly into his teammate’s pale eyes.

“Yes,” he said after a moment, “I don’t know why, but I think you won’t…and…I think part of it is that you want to prove yourself against Yuuri.”

“I don’t need to…”

“He was a top men’s senior division skater, even if he didn’t do his best in the final. You stand to gain in reputation from beating him,” Victor concluded.

Yurio gave an agnostic grunt and stomped out of the room.

Victor sighed and gave a little shake of his head, then he started to dress. He had just finished and was heading to the bedroom door when a hard shiver passed suddenly through his body and he swayed dizzily for a moment.

_Damn it._

He breathed in slowly and caught the slightest hint of a stronger presence of his pheromones.

_I’ve had a few of those and brushed it off as being from my drinking too much, but it looks like my heat might be returning sooner rather than later._

He picked up his phone and started to search the contact numbers. After a few minutes, he shook his head and went to search through his suitcase.

_Where did I put the phone number for the office of the doctor who took care of me?_

He searched a little longer, then, worried about the time it was taking when there was training to be done, he clenched his teeth and dialed Yakov’s number, only to find the call wasn’t answered.

_Still not speaking to me…Is he ever going to stop being mad? I think I liked it better when he was yelling at me. I’d call Lilia, but she wasn’t the one with me in the hospital and it would take time for her to find Yakov and get the information out of him. Luckily, it’s not that bad yet, so I can probably look for the information this afternoon._

_Yes, I’ll have Yuuri and Yurio work on their programs on their own in the afternoon and make sure I find that number then._

Unfortunately for the Russian legend, after the discomfort faded and he became focused on training his students, he forgot completely and instead found himself leaving the ice rink to visit a highly recommended ramen restaurant.

 _Japan has so many great restaurants,_ he mused as he ate, _I’m glad I’ll be here for…_

Victor’s wide smile faded as he remembered.

_Ah, as long as Yuuri wins the Hot Springs on Ice competition…and that’s not a guarantee. I know Yuuri is capable of winning, but it’s possible, of course, that his anxiety could become an issue._

_There is also the fact that, while I feel that Yurio is starting to grasp the meaning of Agape, Yuuri’s understanding and conveyance of the meaning of Eros is more tentative. He has the moves of the program down, but he needs to find the heart of it. That’s not something I can teach him, because he is the one skating, so it is Yuuri’s heart that will define his performance of Eros._

He swallowed hard, trying to push away his worry.

_But after today, there is only one training day left, and I can’t be sure that Yuuri’s performance at present will be enough to overcome even an imperfect Yurio._

_What do I do?_

He left the ramen shop and headed back in the direction of Yuutopia Katsuki, his sharp mind working the troublesome problem. Being so focused on thinking, he missed the first mix of shivers and flashes of odd heat that preceded his heats. It wasn’t until his pheromones became easily noticeable that he stopped in his tracks and took stock.

_Oh…no!_

His saving grace was that he was close to Yuutopia Katsuki, and that, after training long hours, Yuuri and Yurio should be asleep.

_But…even if I get back, what do I do? I don’t have any pills. I don’t have the one meant for my first heat after the miscarriage. I don’t know who to call!_

He tried Yakov again, only for the call to be rejected again. He texted desperately, to no avail. By the time he reached Yuutopia Katsuki, strong throbs of arousal were tormenting him, and it was torture not to just run inside and head for Yuuri’s bedroom.

_There is no way that Yuuri is ready for this. I was hoping that my heat would wait until Yurio was gone and I could find a way to explain._

He stood in front of the inn, staring indecisively, then he circled around to the back, farther away from Yuuri’s room. He paused just outside, wiping sweat from his brow and shivering harder.

_The doctor said this heat could be dangerous because its intensity could shock my body. I need to…_

“Well now, wh-whass this?” asked a deep, slurred voice.

Victor whirled to find himself face to face with a larger, more muscular man who was a frequent visitor to the inn.

“Ah…” he panted, backing away, “Maeda-san is it?”

“Thassit,” the man drawled, reaching for Victor and grabbing his arm, “Y’smell damn sweet. C’mere.”

“No, stop it!” Victor snapped, pushing the drunken man away and turning to go inside.

He felt a hard pull on the back of his coat and his feet slipped on the damp ground, making him have to grab onto the other man to steady himself.

“Much better.”

“I said…”

Victor gasped as he was shoved back against the side of the building so hard that he was left breathless. His head struck a bit of wooden framing and stars exploded in front of his eyes. His legs collapsed and the other man followed him to the ground, clawing at his clothing.

“S-st-stop!” Victor hissed, barely able to make the word sound.

He looked up into the glazed over eyes on the man on top of him and panic set in.

“G-get off!” he gasped.

“No way, sweetheart,” Maeda growled, forcing his nose deep into Victor’s scarf and breathing in deeply, “Your body’s screamin’ for sex ri’ now and I’m gonna see you get it.”

_I don’t have the breath left to scream. The wind was knocked out of me! What can I do?_

Steeped in terror, Victor almost missed the moment when something impacted hard with the back of the other man’s head and Maeda crashed to the ground, revealing a dark figure that was armed with what looked like a frying pan. Victor had to squint to see.

“M-mama K-katsuki?” he stammered.

The ringing in his ears was too loud to hear her answer and even the stars he was still seeing in his head were dimming.

“P-please,” he forced out as he began to lose consciousness, “Y-you c-can’t tell Y-Yuuri!”

He felt her hand curve around his cheek and her gentle voice calling his name echoed in his aching head as everything went dark.


	23. Out of the Frying Pan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiroko watches over Victor during a dangerously intense heat.

Yuuri tossed and turned in his sleep, his mind working furiously as he tried to resolve his understanding of the Eros program. He walked mentally through each step, each turn and glide, each scintillating spin and flashy jump, searching for the one thing that would tie it all together. He felt that the truth was there, staring him in the face, but that he couldn’t seem to see it.

_Or…maybe the truth is that I don’t really want to see it. After all, the heart of the Eros program, the thing it most obviously brings to life…is the alpha._

_Yeah, I saw it right away and then I didn’t want to see it._

_The other side of that is the Agape program. Where the Eros program embraces the alpha, the Agape program embraces the omega. The two together form a sort of balance. It’s a beautiful thought, I suppose, but there is nothing beautiful about creatures of unconditional love being swallowed up by alpha monsters._

_If I can’t embrace the Eros role, I think it’s because I’m not able to accept that the omega needs the alpha. I don’t see how that could be true. Omegas are beautiful, talented, often visionary. They are able to empathize deeply and put themselves in another’s shoes to understand them. They take what is in their environment and make it better for everyone. Yet their beauty is to the alpha, just something to collect and possess. That talent is captured and appropriated, used as a status symbol. Their vision is beaten down until it is clouded. Alphas don’t just use omegas for sex and power, they suck the omegas dry and leave them just shells of their former selves. And…_

_…damn it, that’s why I’m just not able to master this. I can move my body the way Victor shows me, but I don’t want to dance for the omegas. I don’t want to attract them and capture them, use them and suck them dry! If anything, I want to show everyone their beauty and their ability to take what is in front of them and elevate it!_

He sat up in bed and heard Maccachin make a little whimper of protest.

“Sorry boy,” he sighed, patting the old poodle tenderly, “I know you’re trying to sleep. I should be sleeping, but I just can’t. I don’t know, I just feel…restless.”

He thought of Victor, probably curled up in the bed in the guest room, down the hallway, and before he quite realized what he was doing, he climbed out of bed and left his room. Maccachin followed on his heels as Yuuri headed down the hallway and paused in front of the Russian skater’s room.

The door stood open and the lights were off, but he could see that Victor wasn’t in the bed.

_I wonder where he is. He does sometimes stay out really late, drinking and dancing, but he knows that tomorrow is a big day, getting ready for the Hot Springs on Ice competition. Does he really think it’s okay for him to be wasting time and losing sleep like that? Of course, Victor is so good at what he does, and he doesn’t get caught up in his emotions like I do. Maybe for him, staying out late and messing around is okay. I wish I could be that carefree._

“What are you doing, lurking around Victor’s bedroom, _katsudon_?” Yurio’s voice said from behind him, startling him and making him almost trip over Maccachin, “He’s not here.”

“Y-yeah, I can see that,” Yuuri said, scrambling to collect his scattered thoughts, “I just…came to ask him a question and found he wasn’t here. I was…”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” the younger Russian huffed, pushing past him, “Could you not block the door while you stalk him? I need to sleep.”

“I was thinking maybe I’d go out and…”

“Go out and what?” Yurio asked, pausing and turning to look back at him, “Treat him like the delinquent he is and drag him home like Yakov sometimes has to do when he misbehaves? Why? Victor doesn’t need you to do that. He can take care of himself.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri answered, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck, “I just feel like, I don’t know…”

His hand moved to rest over his heart and breathed in slowly.

“Something just…feels wrong. You know, I wonder if he could be in some kind of trouble.”

“Huh…what kind of trouble?” Yurio scoffed, “The people here love him to death. They spoil him and fall all over themselves doing whatever he wants them to. He’s probably drunk and naked in a room with a bunch of girls, giving them the night of their lives.”

He didn’t miss the way Yuuri flinched and the way his hands clenched slowly and unclenched.

“You jealous, _katsudon_?” Yurio taunted him, “You’ve copied his skating. Do you want to aspire to become a lusty drunk out drinking and fucking girls all night?”

“No.”

Yurio hid a smirk as he turned towards his makeshift room in Victor’s closet.

“Go to bed. You’re going to need every ounce of your strength to not look pathetic when you lose to me.”

Yuuri watched in silence as Yurio walked into the closet and slid the door shut with a bang, then he moved forward to Victor’s unused bed, one hand still over his pounding heart.

_I feel it even more now, something radiating in the air here. It feels…almost intoxicating. I keep getting this feeling that I need to go to him._

He realized all at once that he was also very aroused.

_Strange…_

He grimaced at the next thought that entered his mind.

_Ugh, there must be an omega in heat somewhere around here, and my body just…does this. I hate it! I hate this feeling, this primal urge called rut. It even sounds nasty and violent. The thought that nature has taught the alphas to seek out and dominate omegas in heat…it’s so ugly and horrible!_

_I don’t want to be that way._

He felt a shiver go through him as he looked down at Victor’s bed.

_Victor usually makes programs that he says are from things that inspire him…but…how could he be inspired by something like this? He doesn’t look like a monster. In fact, Victor is the most cheerful and kind alpha I’ve ever met, even if he is a very demanding mentor on the ice. I just can’t imagine him finding beauty in Eros. All I see is the awful way they treat omegas. But, Victor would not be like that, right?_

Yurio’s words echoed in his mind, unsettling him even more.

“ _You jealous, katsudon?” Yurio taunted him, “You’ve copied his skating. Do you want to aspire to become a lusty drunk out drinking and fucking girls all night_?”

His eyes blinked slowly and his hand reached out and touched the top of Victor’s bed.

_I suppose he can have all of the women and men he wants in his bed, but…why do I feel inside that’s not at all what’s happening?_

_Why do I feel so strongly that the one who should be with Victor right now…is me?_

XXXXXXXXXX

Victor groaned as he woke to a disturbingly more intense flare of heat than he had ever experienced. His flesh seemed to burn all over and his heart pounded wildly in his chest. Even the gentle touch of a cool, wet cloth on his forehead felt like merciless ice, making him shiver violently.

“Oh…I f-feel awful,” he panted, not yet opening his eyes.

He felt a warm hand in his colder one and swallowed hard.

“Y-yuuri?”

“It’s me with you, dear,” Hiroko’s gentle voice intoned softly, as though she knew exactly how strained his nerves were at the moment, “You went into heat, then you were attacked outside the inn. You also have a mild concussion.”

“Ugh…”

It felt more than a little humiliating to be reduced to a quivering, sweating mess in front of even Yuuri’s very sweet and sympathetic mother, and his discomfort only increased as Hiroko continued.

“Vic-chan, I called Doctor Enatsu, here, and she has come to help you.”

His eyes moved sluggishly to find the hazy form of an old woman next to Hiroko, whose kind brown eyes instantly drew away a measure of the anxiety he was feeling.

“Victor, I am Doctor Enatsu. I specialize in treating omega patients.”

“I w-wish I could tell you it’s n-nice to m-meet you,” Victor responded through suddenly chattering teeth, “S-sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” the doctor assured him.

“At least I sh-should apologize for…for losing the pill I was supposed to have to m-make this easier on my b-body.”

“It’s all right,” Doctor Enatsu said bracingly, leaning over him, “I am going to need your permission to open your robe to examine you.”

“Of course.”

Victor was indeed, not one to blush about being seen naked, but he gritted his teeth, watching Hiroko’s reaction closely as his torso was uncovered, and the two women noticed right away the healing scar on his lower abdomen.

“When did you have this surgery?” the doctor asked, studying the scar carefully.

Now, he could feel the redness of his face and throat.

_This is just what I didn’t want. It’s obvious I had either a miscarriage or an abortion! God, what will Yuuri’s mother think of me?_

“It was…in March, just after the world championships. Th-the doctor in Tokyo said that the miscarriage wasn’t because of me competing. I…I mean, I’m sure I must have done something wrong…everything was progressing fine and then…”

He felt again that instant sense of comfort as Enatsu’s kind eyes met his and Hiroko’s sad smile warmed him.

“There’s not always an identifiable reason why these things happen,” the doctor interjected, “I’m sure that if your physician said that it wasn’t preventable, there is nothing you could have done. Were you referred for counseling in Russia after?”

“Y-yes, and I did consult a few times before I left to come to Japan, but I didn’t and d-don’t really think I need it. I’m sad about losing my daughter, b-but I’m handling it.”

“I am sure you are,” the doctor agreed, “but it is more than just emotions that are affecting you right now. I am sure that your attending physician in Tokyo would have told you this.”

“She did,” Victor admitted, looking away as he answered, “and Yakov yelled it at me a few hundred times. Yakov, he’s my skating coach.”

“Yes, I’m familiar with your skating. I thought your programs this year were enchanting.”

“Thank you.”

Victor shivered again and drew in a steadying breath.

“Doctor, is there anything you can do to make the burning stop? I f-feel like my body is on fire.”

“That is your hormones wreaking havoc, I’m afraid, and it’s too late, at this point, for me to just give you the pill to balance them. Your heart rate is concerning and you are showing signs of possible shock. You need something stronger, but I warn you that the medication I am going to give you, while it will help you through your heat, comes with risks of its own. It takes time to work and the way it works is to trick your body into believing that you are being bred by an alpha. If you have been bitten, then the alpha who bit you is the one you will see. Is…that going to be problematic for you?”

Victor gave her a perplexed look.

“Ah…do you mean I’ll be hallucinating? About…like, the time when we made the baby?”

He broke off for a moment, glancing at Hiroko.

“Would you like me to leave you alone with the doctor, Vic-chan?” Yuuri’s mother asked calmly.

“M-maybe I should just t-try to do this on my own,” Victor fretted.

“I’m sure that you heard Doctor Enatsu tell you that she is concerned about your heart rate and about the possibility of shock setting in,” Hiroko reminded him, “We’re not leaving you alone like you are. It’s too dangerous. You need help. Please listen to the doctor.”

Victor marveled at how the words were delivered in such a quiet, non-imposing way, but still carried a weight that he couldn’t ignore. He winced as pain flashed in his insides and the heat on his skin increased painfully.

“Damn it! I didn’t want this to be how things went,” he complained, “I know it’s my own fault. I lost that stupid pill and then couldn’t get another in time and…”

He stopped abruptly as Hiroko’s hands curved around his sweaty face and her determined eyes locked on his stricken ones.

“Don’t worry about any of that now,” she said firmly.

“But I _really_ don’t want to do this! I don’t want you to have to see…”

“Vic-chan,” she said reassuringly, “You’ve told me that you didn’t grow up with your family. You did have people looking out for you, but you didn’t have a mother to do all of the things that a mother does. Still, when you came to Hasetsu, you became one of our family. Now, I have changed diapers, cleaned up messes, taken care of cuts and bruises, and I have seen my children through more than a few difficult things.”

“I doubt you’ve seen them go through a heat cycle while delirious and…oh god, I don’t want to think about this! Do we have to do this now?”

“I’m afraid the longer we wait, the more dangerous your situation becomes,” the doctor answered, shaking her head.

“It will be fine,” Hiroko assured him, “Vic-chan, don’t worry about anything. I’m right here.”

“But…I _lied to you and to Yuuri_!” Victor exclaimed, “I lied to everyone about what I am. How can you even want to help me when I would do that!”

He was taken aback as Hiroko ended all of his objections with a single pointed question.

“Vic-chan, I am asking you to trust me. Will you trust me to help you through this?”

_I suppose there is no getting out of this. I am simply going to have to do this, aren’t I?_

He couldn’t seem to make his voice sound to answer aloud, but his head bowed to hide the rising tears in his eyes and he managed a little nod. He cringed as the doctor prepared a syringe, but Hiroko blocked him from seeing as Enatsu took his arm and swabbed a small area with alcohol.

“It will just be a little pinch.”

“Oh…I don’t like n-nee…”

Victor stiffened as he felt the sharp jab, then he shivered and went limp. Hiroko gave a little amused chuckle and patted his face tenderly.

“There now, Vic-chan. This is probably better for you, _ne_? You were too anxious before.”

She turned her attention to the doctor, who rechecked the unconscious skater’s vital signs.

“He will be okay now, won’t he?” she asked.

“Yes, Victor will be fine. The drug will leave him unable to really move, so he will not thrash about or be at risk of hurting himself. He may vocalize during the hallucinations and he will most likely ejaculate a number of times because of what he is reliving, but now that his body will be tricked into thinking he is with his alpha, his discomfort should be less…at least, assuming that he is accepting of the alpha.”

“Oh, I think he is,” Hiroko concluded, “He looked more upset because of his embarrassment, don’t you think?”

“That was my impression too,” the doctor agreed, “I need to get back to the clinic, but…you are sure you would rather watch over him than send him to the hospital?”

“Ah, I think as long as he is not in danger, Vic-chan would prefer to do this as privately as possible. I will take care of him and Mari will be here to help if I need it.”

“Very well. Call me if you or Victor need anything.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

She watched as the physician left, then turned back to Victor, who was shivering and panting lightly.

“There now,” she soothed him, taking his hand in hers, “you’re going to be fine, Vic-chan. I can see this has all been very difficult for you, but remember that you don’t have to do this alone. All of us are here for you now. We will take care of you and everything will be fine.”

She wasn’t sure if it might be that he either heard or sensed her good intent, but Victor gave a little sleepy sigh and seemed to fall into a deeper sleep, blissfully unaware as the hallucination began.

_He found himself standing alone in his home ice rink, the lights out and no music playing. He drew in a slow breath, and released it again, closing his eyes and letting all of the tension drain out of his body. Once he was fully relaxed, he could hear it…that music that played inside his head, coaxing his body into moving, telling him what moves to make as it seemed to surround him and caress him all over. The ice dance that resulted was unscripted, lovely and heartfelt. Yes, this was how he had always created the magic of his programs._

_But he noticed right away that something felt different. Where he had started out feeling light and free, his body began to feel heavier, and where the rink had still been lit by the moon, a heavy mist rose around him that clung to his skin and obscured his vision until the very boundaries of the rink disappeared. And although he knew the rink by heart, he lost his bearings and came to a stop, puffing out steamy breaths and shivering as he reached out with his hand in the suddenly terrifying environs. His fear increased exponentially as he realized that he couldn’t speak. He was beginning to outright panic, but then he heard another pair of skates sliding along the surface of the ice, and the mist all around him billowed and flickered strangely._

_“Yuuri?” he managed in a breathless whisper._

_He was still unsettled, but he calmed noticeably as a hand that he knew was Yuuri’s reached out and took his. Yuuri’s arm wrapped around him and the two of them began to move together. He poured his emotions into the motions he made._

_I’m so glad you came._

_I felt so alone._

_I needed you so much, Yuuri._

_His breath caught and happy tears filled his eyes at his alpha mate’s answer._

_“I needed you so much too. It’s just not right if we’re not together.”_

_Victor shifted and brought them to a stop, reaching out in the darkness and only able to see Yuuri as a silhouette in front of him._

_“It hurts, Yuuri,” he said, finding his voice again, “You’re the only one who can make it stop.”_

_“I know.”_

_Victor let his eyes slide closed and he felt Yuuri hold him more tightly. They soared across the ice to music that was only in their minds and slowly the mist pulled their clothing away and they were somehow transported back to the Sochi hotel where they touched down in Yuuri’s room, where they had spent the night. Neither could speak as heat and rut were blazing painfully in their bodies. But unlike that first time, Victor smiled as Yuuri ducked into his shoulder, breathing in his scent, then he brought the Russian down onto the bed._

_He could have cried at how he could this time feel the full intensity of their connection. Gone was any uncertainty, and Victor groaned contentedly as Yuuri’s mouth first ravaged his soft throat, then trailed all down his torso, making his back arch reflexively as he called out his alpha’s name again. Deep in his heaving chest, a low, hungry purring sound began. Yuuri laid his head against Victor’s naked chest, breathing in his scent and giving a little growl as the intense purring slowly seduced him. He shifted and Victor blushed at how quickly he spread his thighs for the man on top of him. But both of them were aching all over with desire for their coupling and they barely managed any sort of preparation before roughly joining for their first mating._

_The sight of his handsome, smiling alpha, lit by the moonlight as he began a flurry of deep, fast thrusts made the lusty purring in Victor’s chest intensify, in turn feeding Yuuri’s already burgeoning desire._

_“Yuu-ri!” Victor sobbed joyfully, raising his hips wantonly to meet his lover’s._

_“Victor!” Yuuri groaned, pushing in deeply and gripping the Russian’s sweet, white ass tightly as he emptied himself into Victor’s molten core._

_Overwhelmed by the dizzying flashes of heat and the erotic sounds his climaxing partner made, Victor surrendered with a shuddering groan of relief._

_“Is it helping?” Yuuri asked, letting his sated member slide out of Victor’s plundered bottom, only to begin stimulating it again for the next entry._

_“More, Yuuri!” Victor pleaded, “I’ll go crazy, I need you so much!”_

_He flipped onto his belly, raising his naked bottom in the air and wiggling it enticingly._

_“More, Yuuri! I want more!”_

_Yuuri crawled onto his back, his hand still working to restore enough hardness to offer his lusty omega mate the relief he so desperately craved. And although Victor might have had some issue with his stamina on the ice, he defied the boundaries of his strength as he met Yuuri for another viciously sensuous joining…then another…and another._

_“Wow!” Victor laughed, “Yuuri’s stamina is amazing!”_

_The two collided three more times before finally they collapsed onto the bed, panting hard and drenched in sweat and sticky splashes of semen. Victor kept his slender legs wrapped tightly around Yuuri’s warm body and the two kissed more slowly as the Russian’s hands curved around his lover’s face._

_“I…love you, Yuuri.”_

_Victor sighed as a blissful darkness seemed to wrap around him, body and mind and he drifted off to sleep._

In the private room at Yuutopia Katsuki, Hiroko bit at her lips, holding back anything more than a little smile as Victor’s delirious confession sounded. She watched quietly until he had fallen deeply asleep, then she carefully cleaned away the sweat and semen before tucking him in comfortably again and pausing to run gentle fingers through his messy hair.

“Vic-chan,” she whispered, “the worst is over. Rest now.”

XXXXXXXXXX

Yuuri sat up suddenly in bed, his heart pounding wildly and Victor’s voice ringing in his ears. He couldn’t remember a thing about the dream that had brought him awake, but the cooling dampness in his underwear left little doubt as to its nature. He rubbed his hands over his face and worked to slow his breathing.

_It’s strange…Victor’s scent is so strong._

_I wonder._

He climbed out of bed again and headed down the hall to Victor’s guest room. As before, the door stood open and the bed was empty.

“Where are you, Victor?” he whispered.

But the room and the hallway outside remained dark and quiet, and eventually he had no choice but to return to his room, change his clothes and lie down again.

“I hope you’re okay,” he breathed softly.

As he drifted off, he could have sworn he felt Victor’s hand on his face and he heard the Russian’s deep, heartfelt purr.

_I love you, Yuuri._


	24. From the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor makes a stunning admission and a heartfelt promise to Hiroko.

Still curled around pillows and deeply asleep, Victor somehow still felt an awareness of the warm hand that held his and the kind eyes that watched over him. It was a sensation he had lived most of his life without, but as his mind spun in the hazy, dark reaches of sleeping memory, a vision unlike any he could remember ever seeing, quietly began to unfold.

_A male voice sounded, low and soft, humming but with a gentle purring that sounded beneath it. His eyes closed and his mind still drowsy from sleep, he clung to the familiar, sweet scent of the one holding him and the already beloved feel of the arms that held him. Sometimes, the sounds the man made were not humming, but patterns of sounds. Some, he had already learned were associated with pleasant things…soft coverings laid on his skin, being held close and suckling something warm and soothing from a pale breast…flashes of cool air and a vibrant sky._

_The humming stopped, but the purr remained as the one holding him said something else he couldn’t understand. He opened his eyes and a happy cooing escaped him as he saw the face that looked down at him, surrounded in light and smiling._

Victor sat up suddenly, his eyes wide and haunted and his heart pounding.

Then he realized that someone was still holding his hand. His head turned slightly and he sucked in a distressed breath as the dream he’d been having disappeared and he recalled why he was in the small, sealed room at the back of Yuutopia Katsuki…and why Hiroko was the one there, holding his hand while he slept. The realization brought a feeling of intense nausea, but he was sure it was an emotional reaction rather than any physical affliction.

“Are you all right, dear?” Hiroko asked calmly.

“I…ah…you were here all night, Mama Katsuki? You didn’t sleep at all?”

“I am fine, Vic-chan,” she assured him, “I can always catch up on a little lost sleep later. Don’t you worry.”

Victor suddenly recalled the doctor’s words the night before about the treatment he’d been given and a blush roared over his face and throat.

“Sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize,” Hiroko assured him, patting his hand that she was still holding, “You’ve had a rough night.”

“It’s morning already,” Victor groaned, holding his free hand to his stomach and bending forward against the feeling of sickness, “What time is it?”

“Too early for you to be worrying about that,” Hiroko chuckled, “Lie down and rest more, Vic-chan. Let me make you some tea.”

“But there’s only one day left until the…” Victor objected.

“Of course,” Yuuri’s still smiling mother agreed, “and you will go to the ice rink after you have rested and Doctor Enatsu has come to talk to you. She came back during the night, saying that she’d received copies of your medical files from Tokyo and Russia, and she needed to draw some blood while you were still in heat. I’m sure she’ll explain when she arrives.”

“But…”

“It’s fine. I’ve told Mari to pass along to Yuuri and Yurio that you were out drinking until this morning and you are still sleeping in another room.”

“Well, I’m sure that would be easy for them to believe,” Victor said, giving a little, shaky laugh.

His smile faded swiftly and he lowered his eyes to look down at the rumpled bedding.

“What’s wrong, Vic-chan?” Hiroko asked, though he was convinced she knew already.

“I don’t know if I should be looking you in the eyes after last night,” he sighed, coloring even more, “If not for the fact that you know now I’ve been lying to everyone for years about being an omega, then…what you…”

Her gentle laughter surprised him into looking at her again.

“Why are you looking at me like that? Like you’ve done something so very wrong?”

“I…”

But he couldn’t think of an answer.

Hiroko squeezed his hand, chuckling again.

“Would you like that tea now, Vic-chan?”

Victor’s usually bright eyes clouded and he lowered them again.

“M-maybe we should talk before the doctor comes,” he suggested.

“Of course,” Hiroko answered, taking on a more serious expression, “I can see you’re feeling anxious about last night, so maybe it’s best to talk about it.”

Victor swallowed the nervous knot in this throat and nodded. He noticed, then, the clothing he was wearing that he knew he hadn’t been the night before.

_Oh god, this is humiliating…_

“I…hope I wasn’t too…offensive,” he offered.

“You were nothing of the sort,” Hiroko assured him, “The doctor told me what to expect and what to do. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Vic-chan. Really. Please don’t worry about that.”

“But if what the doctor said about the treatment she gave me was true, then…I’m sure you know that…”

Hiroko nodded.

“I know that Yuuri was with you during a heat and that he fathered the child that you lost,” she said solemnly, “but that is really all that I know. I don’t know when this was, though I suspect it was when Yuuri was at the Grand Prix Finals in Sochi?”

Victor took a shaky breath.

“Yes,” he admitted softly, closing his eyes as he remembered, “I’d barely spoken to Yuuri since meeting him briefly at one of the preliminary greetings before the competition. I knew that it was his first time making the finals, and that he had told reporters that he was very excited about sharing the ice with me, because I’d been an inspiration to him. We didn’t see much of each other during the competition, because we were in different groups, but I saw parts of his performances and heard how upset he was about his free skate. I caught sight of him looking at me as we were leaving the venue, and I asked if he wanted to get a photo together. I was trying to cheer him up, but it seemed to just make him more humiliated.”

Victor’s eyes opened and met Hiroko’s again.

“I didn’t see Yuuri again until the banquet that night. I wasn’t really expecting to see him, and when he did come, it looked like his coach, Celestino, had dragged him there. He couldn’t bear to mingle with the other skaters, so he started drinking…a lot.”

“That sounds like our boy,” Hiroko sighed, “Poor thing.”

“Well, the drinking seemed to bring his barriers down, and for some reason, Yuuri got up the courage to come to talk to me. But Yurio got in the way, thinking he was…I don’t know. He was just being Yurio.”

Victor’s lips couldn’t help but smile as he continued.

“You should have seen his face when Yuuri challenged him to a dance off for the right to come and talk to me.”

Hiroko giggled and Victor found himself laughing softly too as he continued.

“Yuuri _decimated_ him, but then my friend, Chris, challenged him to…erm…well another dance competition and Yuuri wiped the dance floor with him too. By then, I really wanted to talk to him. I was impressed, flattered and really curious. But when Yuuri reached me, I think he was too gone on champagne for talking. He danced with me instead…at least a little. Then, he seemed to look a little sick, so I looked around for his coach, but Celestino was…”

“Too drunk to help,” Hiroko sighed, shaking her head, “He has a reputation for that, doesn’t he?”

Victor smirked and shrugged.

“I took Yuuri to his room and put him to bed. I knew he was super drunk, so I was careful to prop him on his side. He seemed to be asleep, so I turned to go…and I felt him grab my wrist.”

He paused and ran his hands over his face.

“What I can’t figure out is that I wasn’t supposed to have a heat then. I _know_ it wasn’t supposed to happen. But I had started to notice little signs when we were dancing and it just…came on full force when we were alone there.”

He paused again, looking silently at Hiroko for a moment and searching for the right words.

“He didn’t hurt you, did he, dear?” Hiroko asked sympathetically.

“No,” Victor reassured her.

“That’s good. He would never forgive himself,” she sighed sadly, “I’m sure you’ve learned already how Yuuri feels about being an alpha. I’m afraid he’s never been able to make peace with it.”

“At first, when I woke the next morning and went to see him and he was gone, I thought that he must have been devastated and maybe disgusted to learn I was an omega, so he just left without talking to me. I thought if he was looking up to me all of those years, thinking I was a powerful alpha, only to find it was a lie, he might hate me for it.”

“Oh, I don’t think that’s possible…and more than that, I think that in the short time you’ve been here, you’ve seen that’s not the case.”

Victor nodded.

“That’s what’s so confusing! It’s what I can’t figure out. I don’t know why he would leave without talking to me unless he was very angry with me. But then, after worlds, when I was in the hospital, he sent such a kind letter with your gifts…very kind, except that he made no reference to what had happened between us. I ended up thinking maybe he was worried about someone else seeing it, but then…he made the viral video, or actually Yuko’s cute daughters made the video and posted it. Still, why would Yuuri work so hard perfecting _Stammi Vicino_ if he was disgusted by me?”

“I don’t think that Yuuri was at all disgusted by you,” Hiroko suggested, “but you know how anxious he gets.”

“I thought about that,” Victor acknowledged, “I thought maybe he was just so taken by surprise, he freaked out and ran without really thinking things through…or he could have realized that he knew something that could bring my world down around my ears and he was afraid of revealing my omega status by mistake.”

“I think there is also a possibility that Yuuri was upset with how he behaved with you,” Hiroko added, “He may have been angry with himself and embarrassed. But whatever his reasons were, you must not think for a minute that Yuuri feels anything but respect and admiration for you.”

“I don’t know how that can be after what I’ve done,” Victor said, lowering his eyes.

“Hmm,” the Katsuki matriarch said, rubbing her chin with one hand, “I think you and our boy have more in common than your love of skating. Neither one of you seems very happy that you are alpha and omega.”

“Considering what would have happened if I hadn’t lied about being an omega, can you really blame me for hating that I am one? I never wanted to tell lies, but when it was found that I was an omega, Yakov warned me about what happened to other omegas who did not hide their status. They were looked down on and even scored lower because of the heavy bias against them! Yakov knew that in that environment, I couldn’t grow. I would have shriveled and died and I wouldn’t have survived to inspire anyone.”

“You don’t need to worry about me judging you for that, Vic-chan,” Hiroko reassured him, “I agree, the world is not kind to omegas. They are very unfairly treated. I will also assure you that Yuuri knows that. He would not think badly of you for hiding that you are an omega. He would be more likely to…”

“…hate himself for it,” Victor finished, “But, Hiroko-san, I don’t know what to do with that. The Eros program I gave to Yuuri for the competition tomorrow is supposed to surprise everyone by showing them the beauty of his alpha nature, but if Yuuri, himself, doesn’t think it’s beautiful, then he is in trouble, and I’m the one who set him up for what will happen!”

“That is worrisome,” Hiroko agreed, tapping one finger on her cheek, “but I have faith in Yuuri and in you to overcome that difficulty.”

“I can’t _do that_ from here,” Victor fretted, “I should go and at least try to…”

“I’ve told you that you need to stay at least long enough to see the doctor,” Hiroko persisted.

“But Yuuri…”

“Don’t worry about Yuuri,” the elder woman said firmly, “Let him have some time to work on it. I have a feeling that Yuuri is very determined to find the way to win that competition. Knowing that he has to fight to keep you here is helping him to grow stronger.”

“But what if Yuuri doesn’t win?” Victor exclaimed, “I will have to keep my word and go back to Russia to train Yurio! I don’t want to do that. I only made that agreement because I was caught up in the planning for the competition and I sometimes don’t stop to think things through. Yakov’s always yelling at me to…”

“It’s going to be fine, Vic-chan,” Hiroko said bracingly, laying a hand on his arm as he started to try to climb out of the bed, “Yuuri and Yurio are not going anywhere, and even if you are a little late, I have confidence that the three of you can figure things out. I think our focus right now needs to be on your health.”

“I can’t think about…”

Victor went silent as a tapping sounded on the door and Doctor Enatsu entered the room. She smiled at Hiroko and Victor and sat down in a chair by the bed.

“Good morning, Hiroko-san, good morning, Victor.”

“Good morning, Doctor,” Victor greeted her, “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to get to the ice rink.”

“Oh, I know about the Hot Springs on Ice competition, of course,” the doctor acknowledged, “If I didn’t have to work again at the clinic tomorrow, I would come, but my daughter and her husband and their children are going. We’re all big fans of yours and Yuuri-kun’s.”

“Oh, thank you,” Victor said gratefully.

“Now then, let me check your vital signs,” the doctor said, leaning over him to listen to his heart and breathing, “You still seem rather agitated, but your heat has subsided completely now?”

“Yes,” Victor affirmed, “I feel fine, well except for the headache I have from being slammed against the building by that drunk guy.”

He frowned and tilted his head, looking at Hiroko curiously.

“Isn’t he going to be a problem?” he asked.

“Maeda-san?” Hiroko chuckled, smirking, “Oh, he’s no problem. Mari and I just put him in a room and when he woke, Mari convinced him that he just drank too much and passed out and must have been having strange dreams. He doesn’t suspect a thing.”

“That’s good, I suppose,” Victor mused.

“You seem fine except for the bump on your head.”

“So, I can go?” Victor asked anxiously.

“Ah, not yet,” Enatsu chuckled, “If you think you can hold back for another few minutes, I want to go over your test results. I took some blood last night and I went over the records sent from Tokyo and Saint Petersburg.”

She gave Hiroko a little nod.

“I also looked over Yuuri-kun’s records.”

She paused and looked into Victor’s piqued eyes.

“I want to first inform you, Victor, that you do not have to answer any questions that make you uncomfortable, and we can have this meeting with or without Hiroko-san present. You may also request that the meeting take place when others of your choice can be here.”

“Oh, well, I just want it to be the three of us for now,” Victor answered.

He turned his attention to Hiroko, who looked back at him patiently.

“I promise I will talk to Yuuri, just…I don’t think either of us is ready for that conversation yet.”

“I understand.”

“Victor,” the doctor addressed him, “I need you to confirm a few things for me. Was Yuuri-kun the alpha who impregnated you?”

Victor swallowed hard.

“Y-yes.”

“Was this act consensual?” Enatsu inquired.

“Eh, well, I was in heat…or…or I mean, I suddenly went into heat. Doctor, it wasn’t Yuuri’s fault, really!”

“I’m not trying to blame Yuuri-kun,” the doctor assured him, “I simply need to know what happened. So, you went into an unexpected heat and the two of you had unprotected sex?”

“Yes,” Victor sighed, putting his face in his hands, “a lot of times in his hotel room.”

“You went into his room?”

“I was putting him into the bed…on his side, because we were both very drunk and his coach was too drunk to look after him. I put him in the bed and propped him on his side, then I started to leave, but Yuuri sensed my heat and he grabbed me and pulled me down with him. I knew he was too out of it to know what he was doing, so I just tried to tell him not to hurt me and to use protection. He didn’t hurt me when we had sex. In fact, it was damned amazing!”

Victor stopped abruptly as a little titter escaped Hiroko and the doctor covered her mouth with one hand for a moment.

“S-sorry,” he apologized.

“It’s fine,” the doctor assured him, “Go on.”

“Eh, he didn’t hurt me, but he also didn’t use anything, so…”

He stopped again, looking into Hiroko’s eyes as he answered.

“…so, a few weeks later, I started having symptoms and I was tested and found out I was pregnant. I was…beside myself. I didn’t know what to do.”

“Did you contact Yuuri-kun to tell him about the child?”

“N-no!” Victor confessed, “I…I thought at the time, because Yuuri left without talking to me, that he was angry to find out that I was an omega. I think, I mean, I suppose I was wrong about that, but I didn’t know at the time.”

“It says here that you had a doctor in Russia and you were cleared to compete during the early months of your pregnancy. I have gone over your test results and I will tell you honestly that I would have made the same recommendation. I do not think that your miscarriage had anything to do with you continuing to compete.”

“Oh, well, I guess that’s good, but…”

“I do have a concern, however, and I want to share with you what that is so that you can decide what you want to do about it.”

“What?” Victor asked in a shocked tone, giving the doctor a horrified look, “Is there something wrong with me?”

“No, no, not at all, Victor,” Enatsu said reassuringly.

“Then, what is it? What did you find that’s concerning?” the Russian skater asked worriedly.

“Yuuri-kun is also the alpha who bit you?” the doctor asked.

Victor’s teeth clenched and he couldn’t look at Hiroko as he answered.

“I don’t think he knew what he was doing because he was so drunk, but…yes, he did.”

“Did you give him permission to bite you?”

“Ah…n-no…I mean, I don’t know, because I was really drunk and in heat. I probably would have begged him to knot us together, make babies and bite me, all in one breath, given how little thinking I was doing. You can’t blame Yuuri for this!”

“I assure you, I am not placing blame,” Enatsu said soothingly, “I am only making sure I have all of the facts. Now, Victor, are you aware that when you were identified as an omega, it was noted that you did not present normally?”

“Yes,” Victor answered, managing a small chuckle as he answered, “Yakov said it was just like me to not do anything the way I was supposed to.”

Enatsu nodded.

“And Hiroko-san, it is also true, is it not, that Yuuri-kun did not present normally when he was identified as an alpha?”

“That is right,” Hiroko affirmed, “He did experience rut, but he also had times when his scent would get sweeter, and though there was no heat that we could detect, it was definitely abnormal.”

Enatsu nodded again.

“Now, what I am going to tell the two of you is that there is new research taking place right now on pairs of what in medical terms, we call _anomalies_. These are pairs in which both the alpha and the omega have not presented normally, and the alpha goes on to bite an omega, resulting in a phenomenon that our scientists are referring to as primal balancing.”

“Primal balancing,” Victor repeated, frowning, “What is that?”

“Well, we are not sure exactly what the balancing means. Right now, it just means that scientists have found fluctuations in the hormones of the alpha-omega pairs in the study and they are examining and running tests to try to learn more.”

“That is all good and well,” Victor sighed, “but it isn’t very helpful to Yuuri and me right now. Yuuri is in some kind of weird denial or something, and I don’t think that dragging all of this out into the open is going to do anyone any good!”

“I am going to have to side with Vic-chan on this,” Hiroko said suddenly, earning looks of surprise from both Victor and the doctor.

“Hiroko-san?” Doctor Enatsu queried.

“Sumiyae-san,” the Katsuki matriarch said warmly, “You have been our friend for many years. You know our Yuuri very well, so you know that to burden him with too much at once would likely overwhelm him at a time when he needs to feel the love and support of the family around him. Now, Vic-chan has come to Hasetsu to support Yuuri in his skating career. This, you already know, but he has also come…”

She paused and touched Victor’s arm in a gesture of affection.

“…to support Yuuri in better understanding himself. Yuuri needs time to work through each step of learning about all of this. I think the best we can do is to entrust this to Vic-chan, who seems determined to help Yuuri grow into his alpha maturity.”

Doctor Enatsu gave Victor a little smile.

“And what does Victor have to say about this?” she asked.

Victor paused and took a shaky breath.

“I…want to help Yuuri and I need answers too,” he explained, “I am committed to this.”

“And what if, as I heard from my granddaughter, Yuuri-kun loses and you leave Hasetsu?”

Victor’s teeth clenched and his voice sounded roughly as he answered.

“Yuuri…is not going to lose.”

“Well, you sound very determined,” Enatsu concluded, gathering her things.

She took a little bottle of pills out of her medical bag and handed them to Victor.

“Please try to remember to take these as you should,” she instructed him, “Your heats should be normal now, after this first one following your miscarriage, but you don’t want them distracting you from the important work you are doing.”

Thank you,” Victor said softly, accepting the pills.

“Victor, I have one more recommendation for you, and I really would like you to follow up on it. If, as you say, you are going to stay in Hasetsu to train Yuuri-kun, please give my office a call and I will refer you to a counselor to help you to sort out everything that is going on. There is a great deal of upheaval in your life right now and…”

“And I will handle it,” Victor insisted stubbornly, “I told you before. I know my daughter is dead. I know it and I accept the reality. I also know that Yuuri and I have a lot to work through, but I have…”

He stopped and smiled almost shyly at Hiroko.

“I have family to help me. I will be all right. Thank you for helping me last night. I very much appreciate it.”

“Of course,” Enatsu said, bowing, “Hiroko-san, if you have any sense, you will talk this stubborn boy into what I’ve suggested.”

Hiroko laughed as the doctor left, but she sobered quickly as she looked back at Victor and found he was wearing a somber expression.

“What is it, dear?” she asked, “Are you having second thoughts about the counseling. You know, it could be helpful.”

“No,” Victor said with certainty.

“Ah…”

“I promise you that I will not try to kill myself.”

“Vic-chan!” Hiroko objected.

“You know I wouldn’t lie to you now. I trust you. I…trust you with…everything. And because I trust you so much, I need to ask you to…do something for me.”

Hiroko’s head tilted to the side and she studied his serious face curiously.

“Where is the coat I was wearing last night?” he asked.

The lady innkeeper left his bedside and returned with the tan long coat, then watched as Victor laid it on his lap and reached into the right hand pocket. She smiled as she spotted the omamori.

“That is the omamori we gave you when you were in the hospital, _ne_?” she inquired.

“Yes. I always have it with me now.”

Victor looked down at the second item he had taken from his pocket and extended a pale hand, offering it to Hiroko. There was a long pause as she studied the little package.

“That is the package that came from Russia,” she recalled, “Vic-chan…?”

“When I lost Yuuri’s and my daughter, my doctor felt it was important for me to be able to mourn her. They asked me to give her a name and they gave me her ashes after she was removed from my body. I need to ask you to look after her…until I can tell Yuuri about her and we can mourn her together.”

“Oh, Vic-chan!” Hiroko whispered, her brown eyes flooding with tears as his lighter ones did the same.

She held the little package to her chest, swallowing hard and remaining silent for a moment, then she met Victor’s eyes tentatively again.

“What is her name?”

She blinked and the tears slid onto her cheeks as Victor’s head dropped onto her shoulder and his answer came in a choked whisper.

“I called her _Yume_ , because she was the most beautiful of dreams.”


	25. Er...gape?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri struggles to define his version of Eros.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! It’s the second day of Vic-mas and your one and only YOI loving Spunky has another Victor flavored treat for you!

Victor loosed a sigh of relief as he returned to his room and found that Yurio and Yuuri seemed to have already left for the ice rink.

_As much as I know I need to be there, helping them, I still feel pretty awful._

He laughed softly to himself.

_I don’t think Mama Katsuki wanted me to leave, but it’s likely she realizes how important today is. Tomorrow is the day that decides. If Yuuri wins, I will remain here and train him. If Yurio wins, then I will have to return to Russia and coach him._

_I’m not stupid. I see the sense in Yakov setting me up to coach a major talent right away. He knows I’m losing my motivation to skate and he is literally giving me a wonderful opportunity to make a smooth transition to coaching. I just…can’t help what I felt when I saw Yuuri skating Stammi Vicino! I still go back and look at it, and I do it because it makes me feel alive again, in a way I haven’t for awhile. Yes, Yuuri’s skating is giving me back my motivation. I’m not ready to quit skating. Not only that. There is still a lot that Yuuri and I need to confront together…me being an omega, the night we spent together and the baby. I need to explain about Yume and why I didn’t come to him sooner._

_But…if Yuuri loses and I end up going back to Russia, my skating career will end now and we will not be able to open up about anything._

_Yuuri has to win._

But, he realized, there was a lot of history of Yuuri being faced with challenge and failing to rise to the occasion.

He picked up his pack and slipped it onto his back, then left the inn on foot. He could, of course, have taken the bicycle or gotten a ride if he’d wanted to get there faster, but the confusion in his mind was something that needed to be dealt with before he could effectively prepare Yuuri for the competition.

_I did go back and look at some of the competitions Yuuri has been in and I was able to pick out a sort of pattern. It seems like his anxiety may be tied to the pressure he feels from others’ expectations. In those times when he was up against a challenger who was expected to outscore him, whether he won or lost in the end, Yuuri seemed to hold up well. If he lost, it was usually because of the difference in ability between him and the ones he was challenging._

_It was when Yuuri was doing better than expected or when he was leading that he seemed more anxious. Yes, I replayed the Sochi competition programs several times, looking closely. He actually did well in the short program. He was in fourth place going into the free program. I know that his dog, Vic-chan, died in between, so that was a factor, but Yuuri was also under pressure because of the high expectations he felt that his coach and supporters had for him, going into the free skate._

_In this competition, Yuuri is coming off major losses in the Grand Prix finals and last year’s nationals. His faith in himself has declined and I think his supporters are in doubt too. Love him or not, his failures last season were alarming. So…expectation will not be so high. He may be nervous, being in front of his home crowd, but at the same time, Yuko pointed out that Yuuri hates to lose. Add to that, Yuuri wants very badly for me to stay. All of this is going to work in his favor._

_The one thing that Yuuri needs to do to bring this off is to take the program to the next level by making it his own. He’s struggling to figure out how to do that. I’ll focus today on helping him think about it._

_Yurio, now, has a great handle on the technical of his program, but he needs to become one with the feeling, the emotion of Agape. It’s asking him to open up, to relate. For an angry teenage punk like him, that’s asking a lot. But I do see that Yurio is working at trying to understand. The problem is, he thinks that it’s a thing he has to change, some moves he has to improve. Bringing off Agape effectively is about appreciating the emotion behind it. I created Agape out of the love of a parent for his unborn child. Yurio doesn’t have that to reference as I do, so he will have to find his own relatable example to think about when he performs. The question is, at what point will he come to understand it’s about the emotion, it’s about letting go and feeling unconditional love. I’ve asked this of a young, angry punk…but he is also a very talented and smart skater. He could do it._

Victor realized suddenly that while he had been thinking, he had reached the ice rink and was standing in front of the place, staring blankly and unsure he wanted to move. He took a breath to steady himself, then forced his feet to step forward.

As he opened the doors into the rink, he spotted Yuuri performing a better quad salchow, although he still botched the landing and fell.

“Idiot!” Yurio snapped, “I’ll show you one more time.”

_Yurio is helping Yuuri with the quad salchow?_

“Hey, what were you two doing over there?”

The two spotted him entering and swiftly skated away from each other, Yuuri to the edge of the rink, near Victor and Yurio to the far end, where he started working on a run through of the Agape program. Victorfelt Yuuri’s eyes watching him expectantly, but turned his attention to Yurio, pretending not to notice.

_Yuuri’s anxiety flared up the moment he knew that I saw him practicing the quad salchow, because I’d told him to forget about doing that jump in his program. I just meant that we should stick with what he can do relatively easily. It’s a well supported way to increase confidence by lowering the difficulty. The focus is on perfecting the basic elements for a high technical score. With perfect execution mixed with Yuuri’s ability to gain a high PCS even when his nerves cause him to make technical errors, this is a way to maximize his score._

_However…_

_I also learned from Yuko that Yuuri hates losing, and when he is challenged by people not thinking he can do something, he stubbornly works to prove he can do it. I challenged Yuuri when I told him not to do the quad salchow, but that seems to have just increased his determination to master that jump. In this case, the challenge increases his confidence and the lack of expectation lowers his anxiety. He can always decide not to do the more difficult jump if he feels something’s not right. If I acknowledge that I saw him practicing that jump and encourage him to do it, I raise expectation, which could increase his anxiety. More than my encouragement, Yuuri needs to be challenged and to feel his own strength in the fight to perfect this jump._

_I think he can do it. I…don’t know if he’ll perfect it in time for this competition, so it’s a gamble, of course, but I believe in him._

_I will say nothing to him so I do not change the status quo._

Instead, he focused closely on Yurio, at first, pretending to be intent on all of his movements, then a moment later, he actually began to feel enthralled.

_Something is different now in Yurio’s skating. Before, he was doing it technically perfect, but he was also trying to copy my performance. I want him to learn that it’s not enough to bowl everyone over with your confidence and technical perfection. Skating isn’t just a competition, it is an art form. A large number of points come from artistic interpretation, and because Yurio and I are different people our performances should differ in emotional display. All along, Yurio has been technically perfect, but instead of his agape, what I saw was overconfidence and flushes of anger. The waterfall must have chilled him out and made him think, because I see something new this time._

He felt again that Yuuri was watching him very closely.

“Well,” he said, rubbing his chin and using a tone that suggested he was talking to himself rather than his watchful student, “it looks like Yurio has finally found his Agape. Maybe he is ready for the next stage.”

_Yes, I must acknowledge Yurio’s growth, but in a way that suggests to Yuuri what he can do to raise his performance level…all in a non-direct way so that he feels he can surprise me later when he achieves it._

_I never realized before how hard Yakov has to work mentally when he coaches all of us._

_Shit, this is difficult._

_Maybe I should have just stuck to skating and left the damned coaching to him._

_No. Just like Yuuri and Yurio, I need to be learning. I still want to compete, but I do need to think about what comes after that. I need to see the end of my skating career, not as a dead end, but as a new beginning._

Victor felt a little warm satisfaction as he read Yuuri’s expression out of the corner of one ocean blue eye and he could almost hear the words as if they’d been spoken.

_Do I get a ‘next stage’ when I perform the Eros of the pork cutlet bowl?_

He kept his attention on the younger Russian, feeling tears threatening at just how beautiful Yurio looked as he applied his own emotion to the perfectly executed moves.

_Yes, Yuuri, I am looking forward to seeing you master the Eros of the pork cutlet bowl, because then you too will reach the next stage. Please, don’t keep me waiting too long._

Yuuri moved away from him and began to practice the moves of his program, but Victor felt the intensity of this thinking as he performed.

_I can see your mind working. You know now that it isn’t enough for you to execute the moves flawlessly, you must interpret them in your own way. When I showed you Eros, I showed you my interpretation of Eros. You have your own Eros that no one has ever seen. You must externalize that Eros, Yuuri, and you must do it tomorrow!_

XXXXXXXXXX

 _Eros_ , Yuuri mused as he worked his way through the now familiar moves of his short program, _sexual love…layer upon layer of pleasure until you’re drowning in it…except that I have no idea what that feels like!_

He felt Victor’s eyes watching him, but was so focused on thinking that he simply ignored it.

_I’m a virgin. I’ve never even had a girlfriend. All I know about Eros is what I know about alphas. The problem is that alphas only care about their own pleasure, and they don’t mind hurting omegas to get their fill of pleasure. Maybe the reason I am having so much trouble with this program is because I hate the way alphas behave!_

_I don’t ever want to be like that._

_But…isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?_

_What was it that Victor said about Yurio? He said that Yurio has found ‘his’ Agape. I also noticed the change in his performance, so I know what Victor saw. The problem is, if I want my performance to evolve, then I have to come up with some version of Eros that doesn’t sicken me!_

He ran through the moves again, then skated to the edge of the rink ran a towel over his sweating face and neck before drinking some water and heading out across the ice to work at the moves again. He took his starting position and paused.

_Okay, so I hate being an alpha, but I need to find my Eros. My Eros has to be something that can exist alongside those feelings of disgust that I have for alpha thinking and behavior. I have no sexual experience, but…I have heard other people talk about it, I’ve seen it in movies, and I’ve had vivid dreams about having sex._

Yuuri’s breath caught and his body stiffened suddenly as a vision flashed in his mind.

_He found himself thrust into the middle of his heart’s desire. Unexpectedly, he discovered he was naked and on his hands and knees on a hotel room bed, hovering over Victor Nikiforov’s perfect, bared body. Even drunk, he knew this was truly his treasured Victor, the one he’d wanted for so long to get close to, the one he wanted to touch, to kiss, to possess._

_But something was wrong._

_First of all, he smelled sweet…so intoxicatingly attractive that Yuuri’s drunken mind spun even harder. And Victor wasn’t smiling. His blue-green eyes looked distressed and his hands pushed against Yuuri’s naked chest._

_“YUURI, STOP!”_

Yuuri heard Victor shout and was yanked out of his thoughts just in time to realize he’d screwed up a jump and was crashing down onto the ice. Victor was there in an instant, helping him to his feet and brushing the ice flecks off of his clothing, scolding him in Russian, because that’s what the Russian legend did when he was…

_He sounded scared!_

Yuuri’s rounded eyes looked at Victor’s worried face, but it seemed to shift oddly back and forth from worried about him to being frightened of him, then it shifted back.

“Yuuri, are you all right!” Victor exclaimed, “Were you hurt?”

“I-I’m okay,” he managed unsteadily.

“Be careful, Yuuri,” Victor chided him, but the words brought something else to his mind…

_Victor laid beneath him, his body trapped firmly and his hands shaking where they still pushed against Yuuri’s heaving chest._

_“What are you doing?” Victor managed in a shaking voice, “Get off of me, Yuuri.”_

_Yuuri’s head bowed and nuzzled into the place between Victor’s graceful neck and slim shoulder. He breathed in deeply, then his voice sounded in an almost otherworldly growl._

_“That’s not what you want, is it, Victor?”_

_Yuuri’s hot, marauding tongue ran luridly along his neck, then Victor closed his eyes and shivered at the feel of the other man’s teeth scraping along the fine skin._

_“Don’t, Yuuri,” Victor pleaded softly, “I understand you are an alpha. I didn’t know before, but it’s clear now. I’ve gone into an early heat. I’ll let you fuck me, but you will have to use a condom, okay? I don’t want to get…”_

_His words ended in a distressed whimper as Yuuri breathed in deeply again, then clamped his mouth down on the Russian beauty’s and he ground against Victor’s trapped body wantonly. He used his tie to bind the Russian beauty’s wrists. Victor groaned and closed his eyes as Yuuri’s mouth plundered his, bringing on the full fury of heat and rut, and leaving Victor incapacitated._

_But as much as Yuuri definitely wanted to take him, he wanted also to devour the beautiful expanses of pale flesh he had long desired. His mouth ravaged every inch of Victor’s exposed chest and soft belly, then his tongue plunged into Victor’s navel and he sucked hard, leaving a red marking all around it. He followed the pale, silvery hairs down to Victor’s inflamed penis, then he paused and met Victor’s dazed eyes before licking him from balls to tip and making him groan in anticipation. Hard fingers slid down and played in the mess between his buttocks, then pushed their way inside him._

_Yuuri’s fingers pushed in deep, thrusting and scissoring, stretching him carefully, then plunging in deep again and making the trapped omega’s back arch as Victor gasped at the intensity of the pleasure it caused._

_“Y-yuu-ri!” Victor panted, “What are you…?”_

_The Japanese man’s wild brown eyes glared into his._

_“Dance for me, Victor!”_

_There was something about the heat and the intensity of those wide, commanding eyes that left no room for argument. Yuuri’s finger stroked his prostate and Victor’s hips rose off the bed and he howled out Yuuri’s name again, coming violently as the Japanese man watched and licked his lips. Yuuri’s head turned sideways and laid down on Victor’s heaving breast as he removed his fingers and positioned himself for entry._

_“Y-yuuri, I’m a…v-virgin, okay?” Victor managed, “D-don’t hurt…”_

“Yuuri!” Victor shouted, snapping the Japanese skater out of his terrified mind.

He stared at Victor, blinking as his mind vacillated dizzyingly between the fully dressed and annoyed men in front of him to the scared omega lying under him.

“Yuuri,” Victor growled sternly, taking him by the shoulders and glaring into his eyes, “wake up! I can see you’re not concentrating at all. We have only until tomorrow to…”

“I know!” Yuuri yelled back, “I know I’m not getting this and I know I’m running out of time. You don’t have to tell me that!”

His jaw dropped and Yuuri went silent with shock.

_I yelled at him._

“It’s all right, Yuuri,” Victor said more calmly.

“No, no it’s not.”

“It’s okay,” Victor assured him, letting go of him and turning away, “I’m sorry I shouted at you. Obviously, you were focused on some aspect of your program. I was just unsure whether it was that or if you were distracted. Can you tell me…is there anything I can do?”

Yuuri gave him a haunted look.

“N-no, not right now.”

_I have to find ‘my’ Eros. Now, I think I might know what that is._

He continued to pore over the thought as he finished his practice and headed back to the inn alongside an unusually quiet Victor and an unusually calm and somber Yurio. His thoughts weighing on him, he skipped the hot spring and ate lightly at dinner, adjourning to his bedroom while avoiding Victor and Yurio completely. He laid in his bed, still heavily focused and starting to understand.

_I can’t be like Victor’s alpha Eros. It’s not me. I hate the way alphas look down on omegas and use them. Secretly? I would love to turn the tables on them. They treat omegas with disrespect and dismiss their feelings, their hurt, their sadness._

_What if my Eros turned the tables on that? What if, instead of a handsome playboy, my Eros was a beautiful omega? What if I danced to seduce someone like Victor’s alpha Eros? What if I ensnared him and made him desire me so much that he couldn’t see anything else? Then…when I felt him give in, when I knew that I had him and he couldn’t escape the fact of loving me for real…what if I turned my back on him and discarded him, leaving him to be the one in agony and longing for the love, the true love of his life?_

_That’s it!_

_That’s ‘my’ Eros!_

Without a thought about how late it was, he jumped out of his bed, threw on his dance clothes and headed out at a dead run for Minako’s.


End file.
